Thread: Fiance might join military...

Also, please no lectures on how recruiters "sugar" coat things, or that it's not as glamorous as they make it look on the commercials, or how he'll be yelled at 24/7, etc..... We're not naive. We've heard all the lectures already...and it's really annoying.

Should we get married before he joins?
You can, if you want the recruiter to help with the paperwork. It isn't hard to do on your own, but might help if his school is unaccompanied. In the military, they will only pay for family members to be moved, not fiances or girlfriends. The second part to that is that a Military member has to be stationed somewhere long enough to be deemed accompanied. They will not pay for you to move for a school or training unless it is X months or longer. I don't know the differences in branches, but this is what I know to be true.
The husband and I got married after he joined. I was one block from a recruiter, who could of helped before he joined if we had got married. We waited, and I ended up having to drive three hours away to a base because the recruiters job was 'done'. If you don't live near a military base, this might be a good idea.

Kids will be impacted by deployments. They don't understand deployments, and I have seen infants/babies with separation anxiety, sleep issues and overall fussiness from switching routines. They go from Mom&Dad, to Mom, and back to Mom&Dad again. It's a huge adjustment for some kids. Some (like yourself) have no problem with a changing schedule, others act out horribly or become emotionally unstable.

There are lots of logical reasons to get married before he enlists, but don't rush things just to beat the enlistment. Also, there's currently a pretty long wait for basic, so you may still have tons of time before you get married. You also may have time to get your schooling going, making a transfer easier if needed. The recruiter should be able to give you an approximate wait time. Being married will allow you to move with him when he gets a new duty station, and it will allow you to go with him on some of his TDYs. It will also impact his BAH and give him the ability to live outside the barracks once he has a duty station.

Kids in the military is hard. It was for me, and I've seen it destroy families and kids. My husband and I are waiting to have children until we aren't moving every 3 years. It's hard on us, and hard on them.

No One wants to hear this part , but it is wise to be aware of it.

My Niece was engaged, her and Fiance were going to wait for a Late Summer Wedding, he had enlisted, gone through Basic, was told he wouldn't be Stationed until Late Fall, with the possibility of Deployment to Iraq ( this was in the Mid 90's).

But in May, she found out she was pregnant, so they Married right away, so she could get the Medical and as Deployments are not always Scheduled, They wanted to be Married should he be Deployed earlier than Expected, so the Child would have his name.

August rolled around and April ( my Niece ) got a call. Brent was Killed at the Base in an Accident, He was directing trucks to the Loading Dock, he was signalling the truck to how close it was, the Driver lost " sight" of Brent , thinking Brent was off to the other side for directing in the other mirror... Backed up too far and basically Cut Brent in half, with the Truck and the Dock.

April, lost her Husband and the father of her Daughter ( born in January the following year.) She was lucky she married when she did. She received his benefits, the Medical, Death benefits as a Widow and the Daughter gets benefits until she turns 18, in our State. This is as Long as April does not remarry. Their Daughter will still get her Benefits, But April will lose hers .

2 years later April had a son by another Military man, they never married, just lived together for 5 years. He now has to pay Child Support now that they broke up.

Sad to say, My niece is getting close to $3200 a month. Pregnant with her 3rd Child from another Military man. Again, unmarried and still a Widow.

When I said " Sad to Say " I meant that she has found a System, that if she had waited until the September Wedding, she would have almost nothing, other than SSI Benefits from Brent's regular SSI. And since she and Brent were Married, he is the " Assumed Father ".

And Sadder to say, is she slept around and no one is sure that her Daughter is even Brent's.

I'm not saying this is an any way, the way to go about things. But I am Saying, if you love this man, are planning on a Life and Children together .. You never know what can happen.

This is how me and my husband did things. We had our first child as Seniors in High School. During the school year he signed up for the Marines. A few months after we graduated he was to be sent to basic. Right before he left, I found out I was pregnant..... again. He left in Oct and graduated in Jan. After graduation he got to come home for two weeks. We got married during that time. You cannot live on base with him if yall are just boyfriend and girlfriend. We got married so we could get the paperwork filed so me and the kids could come live on base with him. I had my son less than three months after getting married. He came home for the birth, even though he missed it by a few hours, and had to leave a week later. He came back two months to come move me and the kids to the west coast with him. When you get married you get on base housing, you get medical benefits, the kids get medical benefits (and omg the medical benfits are amazing. I didnt pay a single penny for my second sons birth. Compared to my first sons, who I had while I was under my mother insurance, I had a total of 15k to pay.) Your husband income also increases when you get married, and for each kid you have.
When you have kids you have to realize that your husband will be gone (and Army deploys for longer periods, 12 months. My husband has done a 5 month and is fixin to do a 7 month deployment). During that whole time you have to do everything. Since you move to a new state, theres no family to help you out. There are a lot of support systems for the military that you can use for free.

Although I have to warn you, although I am NOT saying that they are all like this, military guys are all about being macho. I'm not saying theres no faithful guys out there in the military, because there are and I'm jealous of that. But when all these guys get together they do stupid stuff and it can be a strain on your marriage. Me and my husband had our little problems before marriage, but when he was out in basic I found out he was messaging girls, and even met up with em and hung out with them, all while I was at home taking care of our two babies - alone. He says because he was 'bored and tired of being at the barracks' or 'I was lonely and wanted to hang out with people'. Anyways, those are my personal issues. But I hear of a lot of military divorces, and I'll be adding one more number to that list.


Theres a lot of benefits. I'd say go ahead and get married. You will have amazing benefits in case you need to go to the hospital for something. If yall have a baby - its completely paid for. Theres discounts for college for military spouses too!


**NOTE - Just want to make it clear that I didnt marry for benefits. I could care less about them. I married for Love and to have our family together finally. Didnt want anyone thinking the wrong thing.

Although I have to warn you, although I am NOT saying that they are all like this, military guys are all about being macho. I'm not saying theres no faithful guys out there in the military, because there are and I'm jealous of that. But when all these guys get together they do stupid stuff and it can be a strain on your marriage. Me and my husband had our little problems before marriage, but when he was out in basic I found out he was messaging girls, and even met up with em and hung out with them, all while I was at home taking care of our two babies - alone. He says because he was 'bored and tired of being at the barracks' or 'I was lonely and wanted to hang out with people'. Anyways, those are my personal issues. But I hear of a lot of military divorces, and I'll be adding one more number to that list.

Your fiancé may be nothing like this, but I guarantee he will be surrounded by men like this. The military culture is harshly macho and the peer pressure is BIG.
There are a million reasons to go ahead with the marriage, and they've all been outlined. But I suggest you wait until at least after Basic training. Many men take a 180 degree change after this experience, particularly if they have a hard time adjusting. It's not a terribly long time to wait, and it may make a great deal of difference and give you an insight into what the military may make of the man you love. As many young men as I've seen come out of Basic completely different in a negative way, I've seen as many come out very much the same in the most positive of ways. It's worth waiting a few months to check which way your fiancé will lean.