question for married women about making a relationship work

**wishy0uwerehere** · 12-29-2011 08:34 PM

i have a question about love and incompatibility.

my boyfriend of one year and i just broke up. we had been fighting a lot. we were great together and had a great love, but it seemed we couldnt figure out how to do the relationship right. i had self esteem issues and insecurities, some of which were made up in my head (he told me i was beautiful everyday but somehow i couldnt believe it because id seen the gorgeous women hed dated before me and i felt insufficient compared to them), some of which were caused by him (i have read his emails (wrong, i know) and i saw him sending an old picture of an ex gf who was a beauty pageant queen out to his friends saying "remember when i dated this chick? i cant believe it, pat on the back, i used to be a player"), and some which were just caused by by incompatibilities (im more of a grounded person, and hes very flighty and has his head in the clouds and can never seem to be satisfied with anything, so i was worried that would be an issue after years of marriage when things got more boring). my question is, he was really great to me, and im starting to regret how much i didnt trust him. hes not like most guys...he would never flirt with a woman at a bar or hang out with other girls. he was really great, but i was just scared that he would get bored of me eventually. i couldnt seem to fight this feeling.

i always did think we had a lot of little incompatibilities. so now im just wondering...was this relationship doomed, or did i mess it up when i didnt trust him when he told me everyday he wanted me and only me? was it doomed because there were little thing about his personality that just clashed with mine and made me inherently nervous? when do you draw the line of "ok, we can work on this. i know when i act so flighty and unsatisfied it makes you nervous, so ill be more sensitive to your feelings" or "im sorry. we just arent compatible"? please help

i just need to know for future relationships

**caterpillar79** · 12-29-2011 10:14 PM

I don't think it's all about your incompatibilities. I mean, sure, every couple have incompatibilities and that is why 'how you meet each other halfway' matters so much for a relationship to work.

If I am correct, you need more than just his reassurance in form of his words - him saying, telling you....etc... I think you want to see, him really doing what he says he feels about you. However, you also need to be aware that your insecure nature is not helping at all. You are paranoid over things (though sometimes, you can't ignore your gut, I get that), but you need to be sufficient of 'you' for you. You must learn to be secure and happy on your own, build up that self-esteem and feel beautiful inside out. That sense of self-assurance is very sexy and alluring to your man, to any man. Work on that, whether you guys get back together or not, you need to work on you.

This break from each other may help if you work on you. Try your best to love yourself as you are. If he really loves you and you are all he wants, he will still be there. And if you work on your self-esteem, your fighting might be lessened and your relationship would get better. If you do not address your own insecurity, all your next relationships will follow the pattern, sorry to say.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-30-2011 02:02 AM

Honey he went for you, you don't think you are good enough why?

He stayed with you, it's okay to have an ego though of "past" but that's superfical maybe they all left him? Maybe he was capable of winning but then lost.. Maybe he decided to go for the inner person but as you don't love you, it wasn't possible.

Learn to love you

He wasn't the guy for you, that's all and that's ok.

**Julietpinkrose** · 12-30-2011 04:48 AM

You have to love yourself

The right Guy for you will love you inside and out no matter what life may bring ...

**lizzardb63** · 12-30-2011 09:38 AM

Don't compare yourself to your ex's previous girlfriends. They aren't with him for a reason...and you are. He chose you, regardless of how the relationships in the past ended, he still chose to be with you. You can't keep beating yourself up for superficial reasons. You're beautiful, he tells you that, just take his word for it. When a man says that he doesnt want to hear "Ugh, I look so fat" or "Yeah right..."... they want to hear "Thank you." They say it because they mean it.

Every relationship has incompatabilities and as Caterpillar said, it's about meeting half way. Yeah, it was insensitive for him to "brag" about his past girlfriend who was beautiful, but guys are weird. It seems to always be a competition. It doesn't mean he doesn't think you're just as beautiful. Perhaps he didn't send a picture of YOU because he doesn't want his friends to take an interest in you that he wants you for himself. I know my fiance would send a pic of a different girl to his buddies than me, because he doesn't want to share any part of me.

Just try to love yourself right now. Build confidence, and start BELIEVING you're beautiful...because you are. You'll find so much peace in other areas of your life when you find peace with yourself.

**wishy0uwerehere** · 12-30-2011 01:20 PM

you all are very right, and thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot. i know i have to work on my self esteem. its weird, because i do like myself and i do think im pretty. i never had self esteem issues before i met him lol. its just the little stupid things he did that took a toll on me, but i shouldnt have let them. so my question is, when do you draw the line? "this guy isnt right for me...he may be so sweet, but there are little things about his personality that simply clash with mine" versus "well he does do a lot of little things that mess me up, but my imagination is also too strong...we simply need to find a way to tone these things down"? i guess love isnt enough...you have to be compatible too. so how do you know when your chasing after a relationship with someone that simply isnt going to work because youre too incompatible?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 12-30-2011 01:47 PM

Well, when you don't actually have to chase, you hang onto each other's words, you have the same morals and core beliefs and perhaps some different hobbies but ultimately the same thought pattern..

I think too many people "settle" he's cute, sweet, what ever and I'm lonely and oh he paid me attention

Never settle, feel it... You will know when it is real... It will just stare at you...

**sp346** · 01-10-2012 11:17 AM

Relationships are all about compromise and negotiating. It doesn't matter how compatible you guys are, if you don't negotiate your relationship, it will never work. There are plenty of people who are total opposites that make their relationship. Both parties have to come to the table with a give and take. Reality will have it that one will give more, but the imbalance shouldn't be great. Both people have to work on the relationship. I have found that timing and maturity of both individuals dictates if you will make the relationship work. You may not be ready to make compromises now, but in another few years, the things that seemed so important now may become insignificant.

Also, the negotiating is a constant and you can't give up. Each relationship will undergo rocky times. You need to be able to withstand those times and move on. I know many relationships where one partner cheated, but they still made it work in the long term. Its not easy, but that is the whole compromise and negotiating. I personally believe that unless one person is just not good (criminal, abusive, loser, lazy), its possible to work things out. Just depends how much work the relationship will require and how much you are willing to invest in it. For some people, there are a few things that are non negotiable like religion and children, but most other things can be negotiated. I'm not saying its easy. Many people can't handle the rougher times and that is why divorce is so common. Also, both individual have to be willing to negotiate.

Don't look at ex's and feel insecure. Just image, he would rather be with you than the beauty queen. That should be an ego booster, not give you insecurities.

**lizzardb63** · 01-10-2012 12:21 PM

It is so true though that there must be balance of compromise in the relationship. If one compromises more than the other they will eventually resent the other for what they are/aren't doing to carry their half of the weight.