WHY get married/be in a relationship? Is in abnormal not to be married/in a relation

**torn2pieces** · 01-05-2012 10:10 AM

It seems its the norm to be married, especially as you get older. But is it "okay" to live your entire life single? If not Why? Could marriage/committment to someone just not be for some people? I have two kids and 30 yrs old, so I feel more so that I am looked down on or just looked at differently if I am single. But I may just be better off single. Is that really wrong?

I am in a struggling about to fail AGAIN relationship and if it ends, I should say when it ends, can I be single for life and it be normal and okay? I know a lot of people will say I will find love again, and I know there is some man out there that will love me again.

This is not about me, I just want some thoughts on why is marriage the normal thing to eventually do in life. I know its my choice to stay single and I can regardless of what people think but WHY are people looked at differently for being single and grown?

**Chicklit** · 01-05-2012 11:00 AM

I'd love to know why people think if you're an adult and not married, you're somehow defective or invalidated. I'm 40 and not yet married, and people think there's something wrong with me. Nevermind that I've never been divorced. Divorce is ok. Spinster is not. Good question torn2pieces.

**lizzardb63** · 01-05-2012 11:12 AM

I would only assume because that is what is thought of as "normal." It's just something people have come to expect and it's not SUPER common for someone to be single all their life (especially being female). I think other things have to do with people's religious beliefs, financial reasons like health insurances, etc. If a person has never been in your shoes, they won't understand how you feel, and the same goes for you. Everyone leads a different lifestyle. I think it also depends on how you grew up and what was expected of you from your elders and what the "norm" is. I say, whatever makes you happy is what you need to do for YOU.

**Aeryn Sun** · 01-05-2012 11:20 AM

It may have to do with people being conservative. Although we are a lot more of our nation open in accepting alternative living arrangements or lifestyles I know a lot people have expectations. Couples should be church going and college educated before thinking of a relationship, marriage, owning a home and having children. Deviate from this cookie cutter standard, and you are barred as irresponsible or judged for unnecessary things.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-05-2012 02:29 PM

I guess it stems from partnerships for life, as in, that is the norm...

I think some people "choose" the wrong partner over and over through lonliness and end up, one day just completely giving up as they don't want to continually get their heart broken, yet if they were to look deep enough and know exactly what they were after in a partner, they would wait, regardless of how long that time was, for the "right people" therefore eventual life partner to enter their life.

We can no change the way people think... Alot see "black and white" and this is in my opinion, what you are experiencing, a black and white view.

Remember, other people's thoughts are theirs... How you choose to live your life is yours...

**grrrr** · 01-05-2012 08:45 PM

Torn, even though you stated that your post is less personal and more obtuse, I just want to say that if a relationship ends it shouldn't be seen as a "failure" - to me it sounds like an unfair way to qualify the ending of something that had meaning at one point... If that makes sense-

To your question: I'm sure that to remain single for life can work for some people - but isn't it in our DNA to want a partner? Not just for the physical element, but for the intellectual aspect as well? Someone to talk to? I suppose a roommate could potentially suffice, but, I'm not sure if there is an answer to your question.

I'll mull this one over, but you know, reading some threads on this site, some people feel like they're single when they're married - so, maybe there really isn't a "norm"

**jns** · 01-05-2012 09:05 PM

t2p, do what is right for you and ignore what others think.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-06-2012 06:45 AM

It's just based on what is the societal norm. Doesn't mean there is any truth to it. It also seems to be the norm to cram your face with fast food, and if you're someone that doesn't do that, people that do look upon you as if you're some sort of health nut weirdo. Or like weddings...it's the societal norm to have a "big day" with all the frills and thousands of dollars etc. If you choose not to have that kind of wedding, people flip out because it's not what is the norm. But does having the big frilly wedding ensure a long happy marriage any more than going to the courthouse does? No.

There are many cases in life in which what is the societal norm is not what is best for everyone.

I wrote a blog once venting about this very issue. Saying that a woman in her late twenties could be a brain surgeon, fly to the moon AND cure cancer and still the first question she'd be asked by others is "Are you married?" "Why aren't you married?". Though it is frustrating, I consider it a product of the often mindless robotic society we live in. I simply refuse to conform what makes me happy because of it.

**torn2pieces** · 01-06-2012 08:13 AM

I see your positive outlook on not seeing it as a failure, but it just seems like failure to me. Yes it is in our DNA and I know I do desire a partner, maybe the one I am with is just wrong. I work in the professional field, and I feel like people are normally married. By the time your are 35 (especially if you have kids) and your not married it's looked down upon. I am currently in school for paralegal and as crazy as it sounds I am looking forward to late nights at work, weekends, travel, basically being needed for something I enjoy so much. I currently work at a law firm as as a secretary and when I hear a woman mention she works late hours, or travels often for work, the first thing I do is look at her finger. Because I think she must be single to be able to devote so much time to work, and actually they usually are not. That's another topic, I have and will fight for my rights to be dedicated to my job. Crazy thing is he is a chef and ALWAYS works late unexpectedly, goes in early and so on. But when I do it he trips. Even if he is off work and with the kids or if I have a babysitter, I can't stand it cause I want to work hard and not have to run out the door at 5 o'clock on the dot for the simple fact my man will get mad. Sorry I carried on about another topic.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-06-2012 09:36 AM

Sounds like he's a bit controlling. A good loving partner would support their partner in their efforts to be successful in their career. There are always limitations to that, like if you started just working all the time and never being home, then that might cause a problem. But needing to stay a bit late some days or go in early, should be something he supports.

Many women who are married have busy time consuming careers. Just like many men do. Some women want to stay home with the kids. Some women want careers outside of the home. One isn't right, one isn't wrong. But there's no reason why, within reason, being married should keep you from pursuing your potential in a career.