I have become a witch with a b, because it seems we are enemies instead of lovers.

**torn2pieces** · 01-06-2012 10:40 AM

I am the strongest believer in not blaming one for your actions. But my relationship problems has caused me to be a person I do not want to be. Because as I am viciously verbally fighting with him, going back and forth and defending myself, the witch has came out of me and I don't even like some of my thoughts and feelings. I don't like it, this is not me, I am a nice, caring, loving, giving person but not with him right now. Especially cause we are fighting over money and I feel he will leave me in a horrible situation as in broke, leave me with no money and no gas. This goes beyond love, I am fighting for survival and I have never been like that with my him when I get paid, but I am going to have to be for the simple fact of survival. I can't be okay with him spending money out of my paycheck and then when he gets paid, I am out. We both have $250 deposited on the others card when we get paid, but this morning he took my card and took $125 off of it, he has done that the last few weeks and I am thinking about changing my deposit to $125 on his card. That is kind of a witch move, but I don't know what to do, I can't take the chance of being out of money, hello no gas, no way to work and that amounts to losing my job or losing pay, this is beyond love and comprimise for the other. I can't explain the way I feel, but I'm mad and I just do not feel very sentimental or caring right now, I am at the point of fk it, we are at war, not about the kids, not about the house but money. Me feeling this way is not ALL about the money topic, he is furious with me for some of the things I said to him that were mean, but I do not take it all back, I'm sorry but it is how I feel -- call me a witch with a B. I don't believe in blaming one for my actions, but I guess I would say we bring out the worst in each other.

Another feeling that I have is I could care less if we broke up, we broke up back in April (the reason why is all laid out here on my posts at that time). And I remember that feeling it was the saddest thing for me to leave him, it hurt, I was devestated, I was so down about it, a feeling that makes me sad as I think about that feeling. But now the witch with a B has came out and I don't care, I can tell him PEACE, good bye in a second. I imagine that I would eventually be sad but not like I was the first time. I want the old me back.

**KMonte85** · 01-06-2012 11:55 AM

torn, you've been fighting this fight for years. Quite literally... years. Take a look at your first threads here, it was the same issues time and time again since 2008. You've had a lot of time invested in a toxic relationship. It should come of no surprise that you're finally getting to the end of your rope, getting tired, getting angry, getting fed up.

You thought you were ready to end it with him in April, but it seems you hadn't quite gotten there yet. Now you're getting more and more resentful and indifferent towards him, even maybe bitter - and you don't like it. You don't like what you're becoming. The question is now.. are you ready to leave this bad situation for good? And if you are, now is the time to make things happen. Don't waste another second being someone you don't want to be, or being with someone who has never made you truly happy.

**torn2pieces** · 01-06-2012 12:03 PM

I am SO ready to leave I just wish he would leave. I did leave him in April, I packed up mine and the kids stuff and left him. This is so sad but the only reason I really got back with him was out of pity. He moved in an apartment after we broke up and did not have lights, gas or water. We have accumulated bills together, therefore, it was somewhat on me too with the bills. I tried to get the lights turned on for him in my name but I could not because I was not on the lease. The summer was ALOT hotter than usual and everytime he begged to be with me I would tell him no but then realize that meant him going back to an apartment with no water, no lights. He had a low paying job and was really struggling, I tried to help him get on his feet, even gave him 100 to help with the down payment of a car. Now if I break up with him, he has no where to go, and I feel bad for him. I can't just put him out. I know this is silly to stay with him cause of all this, but if he had all his stuff together and could afford and get a place of his own or had close family that he could conveniently stay with then I would end it, but he will probably end up sleeping in his car. I am so done tho.

**KMonte85** · 01-06-2012 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by torn2pieces

I am SO ready to leave

Originally Posted by torn2pieces

if I break up with him, he has no where to go, and I feel bad for him. I can't just put him out.

Originally Posted by torn2pieces

I know this is silly to stay with him cause of all this

Originally Posted by torn2pieces

I am so done tho.

It is pretty obvious that you're still conflicted about this. The man is an adult, and perfectly capable of taking care of himself if he chooses to. But he'd rather live in a squaler and call you up with his pity party to save him instead, because he knows you will. And from what you've just written here - he's absolutely right.

Until you're ready to accept that your health and happiness means he won't have it so cushy anymore, you'll be stuck in this miserable cycle. It makes me sad to read this. You have the world at your fingertips, you could be so happy.

**torn2pieces** · 01-06-2012 01:14 PM

Originally Posted by KMonte85

It is pretty obvious that you're still conflicted about this. The man is an adult, and perfectly capable of taking care of himself if he chooses to. But he'd rather live in a squaler and call you up with his pity party to save him instead, because he knows you will. And from what you've just written here - he's absolutely right.

Until you're ready to accept that your health and happiness means he won't have it so cushy anymore, you'll be stuck in this miserable cycle. It makes me sad to read this. You have the world at your fingertips, you could be so happy.

Yes, but he has never played the pity party. He would be hurt maybe mad if he knew my reason for not saying Ok its over is because of pity. He has no idea I feel that way. If I told him to go/it is over, he would go, he would not put a guilt trip on me because of his situation. What is even sadder, is we are both unhappy like this, he is not a horrible person but us together argue and argue and have so many issues and then try to work out the issues which lead us to argue our sides. We are both in a miserable cycle. I know he could be a happier person, more joyful, and be more productive as a chef, a person and a father if we did not have our constant fights keeping us both from being happy. I actually want to see him like that again, especially for our son, but also cause I do care about him. He always holds on to us more than I do. He does not want to break up and it has nothing to do with his living conditions. He actually makes better money now, I just feel bad for him cause he does not have resources like I do. I have a mother and two sisters in town that is there for me, especially my mother, she will break her back for me. I also have a cousin that is supportive, she lives 400+ miles away but I live in her house that she owns here, I pay her rent but still, I can be late, I had no deposit and even the utilities are in her name. With that when we broke up I tried to give him a break as in making sure our son has a home/ a room and I will deal with babysitters and so on and not hold that against him once he gets it together. It is as simple as saying "I want to end this relationship" and he will leave, as a matter of fact some of his stuff is packed. One day I told him "We will have surgery" -- that is how I see our break up. It will hurt at first but months down the line we will be okay/normal/happy. We just have to go through the hard part and one day we will be okay.

**KMonte85** · 01-06-2012 01:33 PM

Your analogy is perfect.. surgery is scary, it hurts, but you heal, and you come out better, healthier for it. It is time to make that first cut, in order to heal and become stronger.

If he's making decent money and getting a regular paycheck, he will be fine. He may not have as much support as you, but he is not going to suffer. I think you're really projecting a LOT of guilt here. There are friends, roommates he could find, he could move somewhere more reasonable, he could go without a few things to make ends meet during the tough transition. It is not the end of the world, far from it. Don't beat yourself up about that, because it's not fair.

There are no favors being done here.. you're both just grasping at straws right now. If you and he both know and feel strongly that you would be better people apart, both for yourselves and your son, then it may be time...

But you have to make that choice. It has been many years of this ugliness, how many more are you going to spend like this? How much more of the ugliness are you going to let your son experience? He's suffering just as much

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-06-2012 01:36 PM

Lady lady lady...... as KM said, this has been going on with you and him for years. So you left him, got sad, felt sorry for him and took him back. That is the PAST. I'm not saying you're a perfect angel here, but it doesn't sound like he's giving you much choice to be anything other than fed up.

You're the understanding one when he has to work odd hours, can't do anything for the kids, etc. You're the financially responsible one. You feel responsible for him and his well being. It sounds like you have basically allowed yourself to have another child to take care of. Except in this case, one that tries to control you and cause you stress when things don't go exactly like he wants.

You're at the point in your life where it's not just about being "fed up". You feel like this relationship is holding you back in your career, in your goals for yourself, in your role as a mother, in your life as a grown woman. You're feeling the desire to spread your wings....to blossom as the woman you know you can be. I think you fear that if you leave him and you're single (I don't think dating is prime on your mind...I think you just want to be single) people will look down upon you and think something is wrong with you. I think you're completely wrong about that and hope that you will not allow what you believe to be the perception of mainstream society to dictate your life.

People don't like to let go of things they've had for a long time. I think it's part of our nature. Despite all the fighting, disgust, frustration.....there is an element of comfort there due to familiarity. But that is NO way to live your life and it's most certainly no way to raise up your kid/kids else they'll grow into adults who stick themselves into miserable relationships because they believe it's better than being alone.

**BabyGirl** · 01-06-2012 07:06 PM

Torn 2

Hey, Sweetie, you have gone from,

Why can't people be " Normal " when Single to , " I'm the "Bytch " in less than 30 minutes ( posting wise ) it seems you are really struggling and I feel with you .

( my reading posts of course and time diff here )

This is showing that You Need to decide for yourself, to either be " Single " with this man or to " Separate " ?

You can be Both. If you and he can agree that the Relationship can Move on . The key is to Define the Relationship.

Partners working for the same goal, Room mates Sharing a place, Parents taking care of the kids .

From what I've read, You Love him more like a Brother or Cousin .
Now !!
Meaning You know he is a great guy,can post his benefits and defaults in a heart beat. But you and he have changed in the Relationship ( Forever Lasting )

So, now set some rules,let him stay there if he pays rent, help around the house, shares the duties. * All but Sex *

Stop on the Shared Card, pay by Money Order, for rent and other bills.

It is Not Kicking him out , it's having him have a safe place to Live.
And you being able to have some security and trust with knowing all is safe.

Become " Partners instead of Lovers or a Married Couple ".

Can't hurt, if you love someone