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Thread: Porn problems in marriage part two

  1. 01-10-2012 07:14 AM #1
    Lynn22
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    Default Porn problems in marriage part two

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    I had posted about my husband of a few years having a problem with porn, about five months ago. Well things got straitened out, and I started to trust him again. Until yesterday, I found porn on his smart phone. I believe that porn is a form of infidelity. He had admitted that he had a problem last time he did this. Well this time when I found it on his phone he said "I don't know how that got there". It took him me telling him that I am not stupid, and that I have proof to finally make him stop denying it, but not admit to it. This is the third time now that he has come to figure out that I don't think he should be watching porn, but after all the talks and me trying to help him he just tries to get better at hiding it, and lying. He had told me to put a blocker on our computer which he said helped, but I can't do anything with his phone to help him, not to mention it is his work phone and he told me he wouldn't look up porn on it because his boss might find out about it. He had also told me to ask him about if he was using it at all, and I did like he asked, but he lied to me about it. He looked strait into my eyes and lied at least a dozen times. After all of this I feel emotionally numb to him. With all of the lies how am I supposed to trust him again, I am seriously considering divorce. I need help I don't want to become a door mat to him, just because I do love him, but I can not take the abuse of him relapsing. I think the worst thing of all of it is that he would have never told me, and that he lied to me so many times. I even told him last time to fix this we needed to go to counseling or something, but he didn't want to. Now he says that he needs help from a counselor, but the damage is done, and I am not sure if it would help. Three times is a lot for a person to go threw. Please help me with my dilemma.
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  2. 01-10-2012 09:11 AM #2
    jns
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    There is an easy way to get rid of porn on a smart phone: get rid of the smart phone. In fact, go back to a basic model that doesn't even have a camera and cannot display photos. That will not stop him from getting a hidden phone. And it will drive him to look at porn at work which could get him fired.

    One of the problems discussed before was mismatched sex drives. Has that situation been resolved?

    I think counseling and possibly him going to a psychologist for aversion therapy could help.

    Your initial response to his viewing porn that wasn't strong and your subsequent hardening of your position on it has him thinking that he just has to hide it from you better.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    Patrick Henry
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  3. 01-10-2012 09:54 AM #3
    Lynn22
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    Right, I would love to get rid of his smart phone and stick to a basic one, but it is his work phone. He is on call after hours and so they gave him a phone to use for that purpose. He even told me he wouldn't use it because he was afraid of getting cought by his boss, but apperently that wasn't enough to make him not use it. The mismatched sex drive problem had been resolved, and we where very happy, until I had happened to stumble upon the porn on his phone.

    Your initial response to his viewing porn that wasn't strong and your subsequent hardening of your position on it has him thinking that he just has to hide it from you better.
    How am I supposed to fix that problem, I have a bad feeling that he will just hide it even better next time. Because he dosn't seem to think it is a big deal even though I am making it very clear to him that it could end in divorce.
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  4. 01-10-2012 10:55 AM #4
    jns
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    Quote Originally Posted by Lynn22 View Post
    Quote Originally Posted by jns View Post
    Your initial response to his viewing porn that wasn't strong and your subsequent hardening of your position on it has him thinking that he just has to hide it from you better.
    How am I supposed to fix that problem, I have a bad feeling that he will just hide it even better next time. Because he dosn't seem to think it is a big deal even though I am making it very clear to him that it could end in divorce.
    You are not going to un-ring that bell, but it is a factor in his response. My suggestion was counseling and possibly him going to a psychologist for aversion therapy. Start it while he is willing to try.

    Great that you two were able to resolve the other issue.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    Patrick Henry
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  5. 01-10-2012 11:50 AM #5
    BabyGirl
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    Smart Phones, as they call them now . Are Video on the run,a home PC or Office On the run. Internet Connection.

    It is communication with those that " have the Drive or Heart. The question is to Whom ?

    You want a regular phone >
    the Old Dial it up and answer it ?

    Horribly speaking here, being a finally Cell phone Person. With Txt . If my phone Chirps or Vibrates, it is someone Important. And if it's my Family, I have time to say "K" that means I got it ( text ).


    If his company is regulating and paying for His Contact when Available to be at work Phone and always to answer ( meaning Get ) calls or Texts.
    And Respond.

    I would not worry too much.

    They will find the " leak ". If he talks too much about his fam
    and kids and parents.

    He may research " nuts and bolts and him and colts.
    is very hard to "trust".

    Unless you are the one you both are searching for > The SpyZone.




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  6. 01-10-2012 11:51 AM #6
    Lynn22
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    Thanks for your advice, and I am glad we were able to too, we where so happy and I thought everything was going great. I just don't see how being nice about it would end up making him just want to hid it. I made it clear even the first time that it was not ok. I took away his videos and talked to him about it, but I just didn't threaten him with the end of the relationship or anything crazy like that. I didn't think it was going to be that hard for him to quit, and I really didn't think this problem would last for years. I didn't think it was that big of a problem at the time, that maybe he just didn't know what the boundaries where. It could have been something we could have used together, but he abused it and really ruined it. Now it makes me sick to think about him using it behind my back. I had never experienced that kind of obsession with porn with any previous boyfriends so the only thing I could think of was that he needed to quit. Dose it have to be a big dramatic scene every time that I really mean something in order to him take me seriously? I ask this question in hope that this doesn't end up happening again in another situation. I am still going to have him go to some marriage counseling and I would like to join him, and possibly some therapy for him in order to try to end this thing. Do you think it is due to an underlining issue?
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  7. 01-10-2012 12:18 PM #7
    BabyGirl
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    One Person at a Time..
    'Work on YoU !!


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  8. 01-10-2012 12:51 PM #8
    Lynn22
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    I am always working on me, but he needs more work than I do.
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  9. 01-10-2012 12:54 PM #9
    jns
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    In today's age, males get used to viewing porn at a young age. Computers and now cell phones make it very easy to get for free and without restrictions. I'm sure that your husband got into porn before going with you. It sounds like he is trapped in what is addictive about it to those who are vulnerable.

    Porn makes a lot of variation available. Men are visually stimulated. Porn can tie the visual stimulation with the physical stimulation easier than having intercourse many times. And if one set of images or one video isn't doing it, then another one can be used. Having sex with a woman takes longer and is more complicated due to the give and take of the interaction. Further, in a long term relationship there is little new visually or sensation wise. A man or a woman requiring specific steps to reach orgasm causes further restrictions, maybe to a point that reaching orgasm may not happen. Then there is the "I'm starting to get a muffin top, so I look ugly, so we will do everything with the lights out" situation that also restricts variety. Those new little ripples never get to be explored.

    When I was growing up, porn was easily available only at specialized shops in cities. That was before home videotape. Of course, magazines like Playboy were more easily available. Therefore getting addicted to porn cost time and money.
    I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided, and that is the lamp of experience.
    ...
    Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?

    Patrick Henry
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  10. 01-10-2012 03:01 PM #10
    Lynn22
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    Yes, I do agree. I think he might be hooked. I know he got started at a young age, as did I, his just got out of control. I can tell you that there is no problem with not trying new things, or insecurities of being seen naked in my side of the relationship. Nor do I have problems with getting ready or reaching orgasm so it doesn't make a lot of sense to me. You are lucky that porn was not so easy to come by in your time, that would have saved me a lot of trouble. It seems like the more provocative and racy things get in the bedroom the more violent and detached he becomes with the sex we have.
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