My fiancÃ© has 2 kids, needing helpful advice..

**Jjohnd0329** · 01-10-2012 07:30 PM

I am a 24 year old woman ive been with my fiancé for almost 3 years. He is 10 years older. When we met he told me he had a daughter and had a picture of her on the wall and said "there's my daughter" (looking 5 years old) so I just said how cute. I later met her and shes 17! I was shocked. A good & bad thing. He hasnt been with her mom for years, but shes 7 years younger than me. Its very awkward, and i dont think she likes e because i am very shy and quiet. i feel like wed probably have a lot in common, but im too shy. Anyhow, After a few months he told me he had another daughter who hes never met. She's 18. I didnt think much of it bcause shes out of state. One is kind of in our life, and the other not ever. Now with all the facebooking, people find people and they did. Now im feeling uncomfortable and anxious dealing with it. My fiance knows how i feel and we try to stay open minded. IMe and the fiancé have a 10 month old baby and have talked about marriage and our lives together. I can't seem to deal with having to explain to my son when he's older that he has 1/2 sisters & it's all very overwhelming. I love him, and feel bad for not being able to control my jealousy and anxiety.i don't know how to feel. And need helpful advice. Please!

**Little** · 01-11-2012 08:46 AM

I suggest that you plan to have these young ladies in your son's life. I have two older half-brothers, (one of whom is 21 years older than me!) who I am just getting to know in my adulthood because of the awkward relationship between our father and their mothers - a situation which I think is rather sad. I wish we had been allowed to know one another before becoming adults, and I am very unhappy that it was kept secret from me for so long.
If you're wondering whether you should have a "stepmother" sort of relationship with his older daughters, I'm not sure it's necessary. The best role you could take might be the facilitator - help your fiance and your son have a good relationship with their blood family.

**acerousme** · 01-11-2012 10:09 AM

Originally Posted by Little

I suggest that you plan to have these young ladies in your son's life. I have two older half-brothers, (one of whom is 21 years older than me!) who I am just getting to know in my adulthood because of the awkward relationship between our father and their mothers - a situation which I think is rather sad. I wish we had been allowed to know one another before becoming adults, and I am very unhappy that it was kept secret from me for so long.
If you're wondering whether you should have a "stepmother" sort of relationship with his older daughters, I'm not sure it's necessary. The best role you could take might be the facilitator - help your fiance and your son have a good relationship with their blood family.

I quoted Littles post because it is DEAD ON! Those kids (no matter how old) need to know who their family is. I did the step mother thing. Three kids...One was only two years younger than me. But where theres a will, there is a way.

Could you please explain your jealousy? I think you need to take a deep breath, and discuss this with your fiancee. why didnt he tell you how old they were? I understand why youre a bit apprehensive about the age difference between you and the kids, but THATS what makes it better. They are both quite close to adulthood. So you can focus on being what they need you to be, rather than a "step-mom" (yes that will be your title, but just hear me out). Get to know them. Dont be shy. My step mom played shy with me for the first bit...and it didnt help our relationship. Be there for them...all of them. Test the waters...go for coffee with them and their dad...let them get to know your son.

But....just remember...stay calm. be cool. Things will work out, with a little help

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 01-13-2012 02:00 PM

I picked up on that too, where does the jealousy come into it, is it the attention he has given to find his other daughter, do you feel that he will not, or does not love his son the same way?

You know, a parent is a parent, he/she loves all of their children regardless of whether the child was born to his only life partner or more than one life partner.

As such, if a parent realises that he / she has no connection with a child and wants to find that child, once their mind is made up they will not stop until they bond again with that child.. There is nothing to feel jealous over, there is enough love to go around.

What do you think you can do to help work on your shyness? If you can somewhat over come that, you can "join" the family and be more of a family.. It seems this is what is stopping you all from becoming one..

And lastly, your son will know who his Mother is, who his Father is and the love from both and he will grow up, getting to know his half sisters, so you will never have to explain anything to him? So why do you feel that you will need to explain this to him?

When you engage with a life partner, you engage with all that they are and all that are in his/her immediate family and you embrase his/her children as your own but in "friendship", not as their Mother / Father but friend...

You can do this, you are feeling still overwhelmed as another enters your life... Time to alter yours a little, that's all and come out of your shell and stop being so frightened.

CW