Hard times

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-24-2012 06:45 AM

Chaya, it sounds to me like you've sat back passively and let things take a course you do not like..and now have just given up on your marriage. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but I do believe it to be true based on what you've posted here throughout this marriage. You've given up. And if that is the case, then you're right, divorce would be better. There is no sense in staying in a marriage that you're not willing to try to make better. Being passive to "please" him is not making an effort to make things better. In the end...it makes you a martyr. You had issues even before the loss of libido with communicating with him. Everyone here at WH told you that if you continued to be passive you'd end up harboring resentment and it would build up to the point of destroying your marriage. Don't you see now that this is what is happening?

**BabyGirl** · 01-24-2012 07:02 PM

Chaya..

You are a Fighter.. Look what you have come through and survived in your young life. You are Strong, you are a " Whole Woman " and it is disgusting that your MIL said something like that to you.
Just because you cannot bear Children, does not mean you can't be a Mother and a Loving one at that. You Hubby married you knowing you could never bear his child. He chose you above all others, including ones who could bear his child.

Now you need to hold on to that thought, to that Love and Fight For your Marriage. Giving up and laying down and being defeated is not the way to go . He being a cop, has counseling available to him, you being his wife makes it available to you and Cops can get Marriage counseling thru their Work.
I believe you need Marriage counseling, the two of you. Sex counseling can come later if needed, but when you start working on the marriage issues first, you may find the sexual desire to be reinstated, when you realize that Sex is not your Duty or Obligation, That it is a sign of Love for each other.

Many couples go thru dry spells, many go through rough times, spats and arguments. You say you Love him. Well sex is not the only way to show it, though it helps, but you can try to talk with him, show him you love him,in other ways, a touch, a cuddle a smile,. You don't have to be submissive, but you should be a Partner, part of the Team, The Marriage Team.

Hopefully you can sit down with him, explain how much you love him, explain that sexually it still hurts, but if you two can find a easier position (s), if he can take it Slower and Gentler then you two can get back to the Sexual Pleasure you shared before.

I feel that when he is rough and having " Demanding " sex with you, it is reminding you of the Horrific Past you have had. Possibly a deep seeded fear of being Forced and Obligated and just wanting it to be over with, that has you not wanting to make love with him .

What you need now is to start over with him, start gentle and slow, have him earn the trust from you again, that he won't just be Hard and Fast and " Take " what he wants.

But in this, you also need to be Strong and Firm, tell him...

I will not be Forced to have Sex, I will not have Sex when you are Intoxicated, I will not allow myself to be hurt or in pain from Sex.

I do Love you, I do want to Make Love with you, I do need some help and some Understanding and Compassion from you.

Sex is not my Obligation or Duty, though it is an extension of the love we have, the love we need to salvage and rebuild..

We ( Hubbys Name ) can renew our marriage, but we both have to give and sacrifice some things. We have to work with each other with communication , with fairness on both sides, with truthfully caring about the others, wants, feelings ( physical and Emotional ) and not just being " Self Gratifying ".

Ask him what he wants from you, what he needs from you, not just sexually. Then Tell him, what you want from him, what you need from him, again, not just sexually.

Make a plan, give it 90 days or whatever time you two can set. Work on it Daily, Weekly. Plan 1 night a week as a " Us Night ", Don't make it a " Sex Night " make it an " we will spend quality time, dinner home or out, walk on beach, watch a movie, hot tub and candles and a glass of wine and Chocolate Dipped Strawberries.

Make it a Taboo Time. Set the Taboo Subjects. No talk about Work, no Negative about any Family or Friends. Rather make it a " Positive only Night ".
Discuss Dreams and Goals, Vacations to plan for Someday, Wishes to be Granted.

Share Humor together...
( Both your School and his Work ) can be allowed in these convo's. You have the net, so maybe sit down and find a site like " Wal~Mart's Best Dressed or one I just Chuckle over, There I Fixed It. ( these can be Googled or Binged)

But seriously we can have our family just laughing and Talking and sharing Funny stuff . We can,any one of us be in a bad mood, had a hard day and one of us will go to the other & Share something Funny, or Adorable Animals or anything. And the next thing we know, The bad thing has passed that had us in the uptight, unsociable mood.

It works and it is Sad to say ( but really Not ) we all know that the other one cared enough to try their Best to get us out of the Negative mood and into a Positive one.

This being said, One will Realize that there is a Positive " Manipulation " than can be very Beneficial !!

Yes it is a Controlling of Another, in some ways, though I feel you cannot Force Laughter out of another . But again it is for a Positive Reaction ,a Beneficial Solution to all involved .

**chaya** · 01-24-2012 07:49 PM

I ordered these pills from the internet that are supposed to boost my libido and arousal. I took 2 of them this morning and another at lunch. I fixed a special dinner, hubby's favorite, and was going to have a romantic evening. The whole thing ended when he called an hour ago and said he had to work overtime and wouldn't be home until 11 Pm and not to wait up for him.

I thought of going out to a tavern and get drunk until I remembered I'm not 21. I tried one of my husbands beers, I don't see how he can drink that rotten stuff. I'm having a glass of plum wine now and plan on being intoxicated when he gets home.

**jns** · 01-24-2012 08:09 PM

Most if not all internet libido boosting pills are a scam and in some cases may be dangerous.

I wonder, with your husband being a cop, what will he do with an under-aged drinker. Handcuffs? The drunk tank? ???

**BabyGirl** · 01-25-2012 02:03 PM

Chaya,
Being a Diabetic, you should never order stuff online, most ( not all ) of that stuff is as Jns said a Scam, You could be getting a sugar pill, that can really screw up your system and even could be dangerous for you.

If you have Libido problems, there are Sites like the one below ( Link not Included ) that you can search up on .

What is Female Libido Enhancer?

A female libido enhancer refers to procedure or medicine to improve libido. To get answers to the question you will primarily need to know what is libido. Libido generally means the desire for sex though there are certain technical definitions to it. One such technical definition says that it is the psychic or the creative energy that someone has to put in for individuation. There are times when this libido can be reduced or impaired and it is mostly seen in females. There can be both physical and psychological reasons behind this. Some other causes of decreasing libido can be alcoholism, substance abuse and hyperprolactinaemia. It should be treated immediately otherwise there can be adverse effects on a long term relationship.

Natural Female Libido Enhancer

The best way to increase female libido is the natural way. So how can you up the female libido naturally? The first thing you can do is increase your mineral intake. It is the adrenal glands that drive you and therefore you will need to keep them nourished with minerals. You can get your minerals from ocean plant extracts, green leafy vegetables and coconut kefir. Another natural female libido enhancer is sleep. You body may be sleep starved and this can result in lessening sexual desire. Good sound sleep is beneficial for a healthy libido. Cutting down on sugar helps. Sugar causes adrenal fatigue and your sexual health will suffer. If your sex hormones are out of balance you will experience low libido. Balance your hormones.

Prescription Female Libido Enhancer

There are several prescription female libido enhancers in the market but most of them fail to live up to their claims. It is used to alleviate the first signs of sexual discomfort but what you need to know there are certain ingredients in these products that come with severe side effects. So, before you purchase any such product you will need to check out the ingredient list. A prescription female libido enhancer should contain Maca. It is a South American herb that increase libido. There should also be Red Raspberry leaf that regulates contraction and Cayenne Pepper that stimulates circulatory equalization and strengthens the heart.

Homeopathic Female Libido Enhancer

One of the best ways to start treating lowered libido is homeopathic. A great homeopathic female libido enhancer is the Lycopodim Clavatum. It starts becoming effective once the spores are crushed and besides increasing the libido it also betters digestion. Another remedy is Kali Phosphoricum that treats worry and fatigue, the two sexual drive killers. Agnus Castus is known as the “chaste tree” and treats poor sexual vitality. Arnica Montana is also a great remedy and is very effective for low libido.

So please try doing some research, before buying online " treatments " especially in a " medication Form. Or a Self Medication form, Alcohol is an Instant Sugar and can be Very Dangerous also.

Diabetes and Alcohol

Alcohol is processed in the body very similarly to the way fat is processed, and alcohol provides almost as many calories. Therefore, drinking alcohol in people with diabetes can cause your blood sugar to rise. If you choose to drink alcohol, only drink it occasionally and when your diabetes and blood sugar level are well-controlled. If you are following a calorie-controlled meal plan, one drink of alcohol should be counted as two fat exchanges.

It is a good idea to check with your doctor if you are overweight or have high blood pressure or high triglyceride levels before drinking alcohol. If you are in doubt about whether drinking alcohol is safe for you, check with your doctor.

Effects of Alcohol on Diabetes

Here are some other ways that alcohol can affect diabetes:

While moderate amounts of alcohol can cause blood sugar to rise, excess alcohol can actually decrease your blood sugar level -- sometimes causing it to drop into dangerous levels.
Beer and sweet wine contain carbohydrates and may raise blood sugar.
Alcohol stimulates your appetite, which can cause you to overeat and may affect your blood sugar control.
Alcohol can interfere with the positive effects of oral diabetes medicines or insulin.
Alcohol may increase triglyceride levels.
Alcohol may increase blood pressure.
Alcohol can cause flushing, nausea, increased heart rate, and slurred speech.

Diabetes and Alcohol Consumption Dos and Don'ts

People with diabetes should follow these alcohol consumption guidelines:

Do not drink more than two drinks of alcohol in a one-day period. (Example: one alcoholic drink = 5-ounce glass of wine, 1 1/2-ounce "shot" of liquor or 12-ounce beer).
Drink alcohol only with food.
Drink slowly.
Avoid "sugary" mixed drinks, sweet wines, or cordials.
Mix liquor with water or diet soft drinks.

Please Please talk with your Dr again, research and ask about Natural Enhancers with your Dr. Talk with Hubby, work this out with him. Don't just Give up on your Marriage, There are many more things you can try with Hubby, It's too soon to start thinking Divorce, when there are options still available.

Don't be a Quitter, just because things are a bit rough in the marriage.Be the Survivor and Fighter, that you have already proven that you are .

**Beautiful Disaster** · 01-25-2012 02:09 PM

I wonder, with your husband being a cop, what will he do with an under-aged drinker. Handcuffs? The drunk tank? ???

I like the way you think good sir.

Chaya, I know that's disappointing. Cops have the luxury of being able to get overtime pretty much any time they want it which is great financially but can be frustrating. Just save your special evening for another night. It doesn't have to be ruined.

Stay away from libido boosters online. You have had enough health issues, don't do things that aren't doctor approved first. Be sure you are taking your vitamins. Zinc is an important one when it comes to libido if I recall correctly.

**chaya** · 01-25-2012 07:32 PM

The libido pills might have worked or it might have been the Akadama plum wine. I started feeling more aroused but by the time he got home I was feeling sick. I spent the next hour in the bathroom throwing-up. He helped me get cleaned up and to bed. This morning, even with a bad headache, we had the best sex I've had in 3 months. I think it was good for him too. We were close, like old times, when he left for work. I only had one class today so I stayed home.

I know drinking is bad for diabetics, this was only the second time I ever drank more than a sip of an alcohol beverage. Both times I got sick so drinking is not good for me.