Thread: Hard times

I was wondering how you were doing. Sorry it is not so good.

I remember awhile back you had a problem with his drinking, I believe it was when you all went to the Beach/Camping with other couples. It seems an issue here is his Drinking along with some of his " control " issues.

Cops do ( some not all ) tend to get into the Alcohol abuse mode. They get off work after busting Drunk Drivers and Intoxicated Husbands and Wives that beat on each other or kids, and decide to have a beer or drink or two with their fellow officers.
This to them, is not a problem, they can handle it !! In their minds, they are Nothing like the " Trash " they put in Jail.. But many will use the Night out with the " brothers " as an crutch to not go home and share their day with their Families.

Your Statement of..

He has started going out with "the boys" every Friday and Saturday night. When he comes home, half drunk, he wants me.

Has me concerned. It is good that he has Every Fri and Sat eves off . It is hard to get a 'Regular Beat " like that as an Officer.

The Half Drunk, also is a Red Flag. Can he or does he want Sex with you when He isn't Intoxicated ? I can also understand you having a surgery and needing time to recover .

How long ago was the Surgery ?
Has it been ample time to recover totally ?
I know it takes different recovery times for different people.

It sounds like your " Desire" for Sex is more of a Desire for Making Love, rather than Hubby coming home half Smashed and " Wanting You " as you said. I am not saying say No to Sex with him, but you are allowed to say No to Rough Sex, You are Allowed to say No Sex when Intoxicated !!

Maybe plan a Romantic Dinner for Fri or Sat Night, give him a weeks notice that you have a " Date Night ", at Home, Make one of your Special Dinners that you make so well or try a new Recipe. A few Candles some music you both like or a Movie on the TV.

Do not plan on Sex as the outcome, Plan on Romance and Closeness, Bonding time. Limit the Alcohol to one small bottle of good wine and maybe a after Dinner Brandy or Liquor, Have it an Early night where you are in bed by midnight ( latest ).

Maybe give a massage or get one or trade off . Get that Hot Tub up. Leave your panties there instead, of finding your Sisters , laying there .. lol
The thing here is to both Relax, learn to just enjoy each others company that Brought you together in the first place.

I can see your loss in interest in Sex, with all that has gone on. Remember Sex is Not an Obligation, Chore or something You have to do. Unless you are Pressured or Forced, then that is a Rape.

Making Love and Intimacy is something you Chose to do, willingly, without Force or Obligation.

Just because he is your Hubby, doesn't mean he can Demand SEX or Intimidate you into having Sex. As with many Relationships/ Marriages, The moods will be different, they will swing, they will be off set. They will change,

Just learn to Keep it Fresh, Keep It Alive and understand the others " moods" and then Sex is not an Issue, But Making Love will be a Requirement.

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Chaya are you sure it's not the stress of it all that has caused this thought pattern? Or, have you seeked medical advice over the ramifications after the operation?

When was the operation? I note you haven't been here for a while.

Even if it was a few months ago... Your husband needs a smack to not understand and be suggesting these things to you and helping you through it to work it out.

CW

There has been a lot of stress on both sides but my lack of response has been going on for over 3 months now. It started before the bladder procedure. It was not really an operation, it was done through a cystoscope. I was only sore for 2 days.

I'm beginning to think we were not meant for each other. I love him but can no longer fill his needs. I should start to consider divorce.

Originally Posted by Maximus

It's hard to have sympathy for a man behaving like that.
Would it be possible to tell him what you have written here ?

In an attempt to see things from his side, it might be good to ask him what is happening in "his" life as of late, what are the things he is finding difficult to deal with...
This is not out of pure empathy but to understand what are these things so important that have gotten him to the point to be so self-centered...

I don't blame him for the way he has been acting. I am the one that changed but I can't help it. He thinks I don't love him any more and that why he don't satisfy me any more. I do still love him and would be happy to live with him for as long as he will have me if it weren't for the sex issue.

Originally Posted by jns

chaya, you need to open communications with him again. Being a cop is not an easy life. He is always in danger. Typically spouses don't want to know and understand because doing so would throw them into depression. Typically the cop keeps things from the spouse and keeps it bottled up inside and only releases with other cops as they know what is going on. Not an ideal situation.

You have to let him know he is hurting you with his deep thrusts and work with him to find positions where the penetration isn't as deep yet he has the sensation that it is. One way is like doggy style with you flat on your stomach instead of your knees. This way your buttocks are providing interference to such deep penetration as would happen with regular doggy style. At the same time they provide the sensation of penetration because they squeeze together. Another way may be certain sideways positions where you are lying sideways and on your side and he is in the same position as missionary. This time you upper buttock cheek is providing padding that doesn't let him penetrate as deep.

Also, you should work with your gynecologist or even a sex doctor to find out where your libido has gone. It may be psychological in that you underlying believe that he has not given you the proper amount of concern and tenderness. This may not be a conscious thought, how it may be how your unconscious mind is processing things.

Lastly, as these changes have taken place, where have you turned for a sounding board? I am not saying that this is the only place, not by far, but when these things start happening you have to talk them out with someone before they get you stuck in a rut. Pulling back from others will usually not lead to a good resolution.

I know his mother would be against it, but I feel that going to a Buddhist spiritual retreat every once in a while would be good for him and good for you both if you went together. Try to get that in the conversation when you two are communicating.

I have been to the GYN 3 times with this problem. She did pap smear and a biopsy of my cervix. She says I have a very sensitive cervix. All the tests she did were negative. She recommended a sex therapist but my insurance wouldn't cover it and it cost too much. I don't think it would do any good anyway. Sex has always been painful for me but when I was enjoying it so much the pain didn't matter. Divorce is the best option, for his sake and mine. He deserves a wife that can satisfy his needs.

It's hard for me to talk about this, even with the GYN. It is even hard to post it here. The only person I have told is my sister. Her reaction was less than helpful for me.

Babygirl, I would love to have a romantic evening with him but it's just not going to happen. If we say more than 10 words to each an argument will start. This hurts my feelings and I end up crying and he sometimes goes out and comes back real late. I even wish he was cheating on me so he wouldn't want me in bed and he would be satisfied.

I know I can legally say no but I believe it is my duty to try to meet his needs. We would be better off apart so he could find someone that can satisfy him and give him children, as my mother-in-law put it, "a whole women". As long as I'm still his wife I will try to meet my obligations.