Husband has moved out

**kwheel** · 02-05-2012 08:04 AM

After 23 years of marriage my husband came home and announced that he wasnt in love with me and was moving out. That he stayed as long as he could for the kids sake(15,15,12 yrs. old) . He wasnt happy and did not want to spend the rest of his life in a loveless marriage. we are both 44. Though our marriage has not been perfect. Stressful career for him stay at home mom for me.I never questioned my husbands love for me or his commitment to our vows and to our family. I love this man dearly and do not want a divorce.So though things had been a little icy for us the past year this came has a total shock to me. He says there is no one else and i believe him. He says he wants to find his real self and doesnt want to be married anymore to me or anyone else. He told me when i tell him i love him and want to work things out he feels sorry for me because he is no where even close to wanting tht right now. He says he feels sorry for me because he's undeserving of my love because he cant return it. He will no longer let me touch him for even a hug. This was a very loving man to me always- thoughtful and kind and it just feels like he's turned into someone i dont know. Extreme amount of pressure at work right now. I keep trying to remain positive but he's constantly telling me he does not want to come home and has no feelings for me. will always take care of me and loves me as the mother of his children but does not love me that way anymore. The kids have told him they want him back home and his reply was daddys not happy there. at this point he believes nothing in our relationship will change so he does not want to go back to the way it was. I have all the faith in the world that it can but i need a willing participant. Im now at the point of what do I do??? Or better yet what am i doing wrong??? he understands the way i feel and knows that i will take him back and that anything can be forgiven.Do i ignore him- keep telling him how much i love him or just try to move on

**Claret** · 02-05-2012 11:00 AM

I think this may be the classic case of the "mid-life crisis". What were his plans and dreams prior to getting married? Does he still want to pursue those dreams? Has he given you any idea of what has set this off? Is there any way you can suggest counselling, marriage therapy or even family therapy? Has children, mortgage, and bills, snowed him under? Is there any way to relieve the pressure from him at this point? I'm only asking all these questions because before you can help him, you also have to help yourself. So, what is your answer to all these questions and what can you do for yourself? You are only in control of yourself and your circumstances, you won't be able to alter his no matter how much you may try.

**jns** · 02-05-2012 01:22 PM

Stress can be emasculating. He may not feel like much of a man. Men usually link sex to love in a relationship. He pulled back from even hugs. What is the rest of the story of your sex lives: were you two each happy with how often and what type of sex you were having.

**foxdana** · 02-05-2012 11:53 PM

I was in the exact same situation 15 months ago, unfortunately my ex chose to lie to me and tell me he thought he was gay, instead of didn't love me any more. I took him back, after separating for 6 weeks, then he left again 4 months later(Still without telling the truth). At least your husband has told you the truth. My ex was the same age as your husband as well, and my kids are a little older. It might be a mid-life thing, but there is no guarantee he'll change his mind. I think you should try an build a life away from him, with your kids and your friends, and if he chooses to come back, then great, but if he doesn't, the you will have made a start to a life without him.

**sp346** · 02-06-2012 07:26 AM

Keep telling him you love him will probably push him away right now. Give him some space, but don't disappear from his life. Ask him if he would be open to a different arrangement in your relationship. You still remain friends, but he can see other people. Or something like that. But see couples councelling at the same time. This way you can work on the marriage, but he doesn't feel like he is trapped.

**scottyboy** · 02-06-2012 08:25 AM

I fell out of love with my first wife long before I ever got the nerve to walk out. Its never easy on the one who is the one being left. The fact that your kids are young will make this situation even harder. I am very sorry about you are going through and am guessing that there is a lot more behind his leaving you than he is telling. He may not be telling you everything because he thinks he is sparing your feelings, there are so many scenarios here. I had fallen in love with another woman and had a brief affair (11 days) before leaving the situation I was in. My kids were adults so I felt no sense of abandonment, it was easy for me. At the time I did not tell my ex about the other woman, not to sound cold but it was none of her business, we had a terrible relationship. This will be very painful for both of you but if he truly does not love you then he is not doing you any favors by staying with you. You deserve someone in your life who wants to be with you. I wish you the best

**KMonte85** · 02-06-2012 08:58 AM

Is he willing to go to any counseling? A decades-long marriage can not just one day turn into an announcement of "I don't love you anymore and I'm leaving" Obviously something went awry a while ago and he failed to communicate that then. Yes, it is a bit late to go down the counselling path, these things are best dealt with early. However, that doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is irrepairable. It just means it will take more time and work.

The question for both of you is, are you WILLING to work on your marriage, to give it one last shot (with the help of a professional) before calling it quits? It seems as though you would be willing to work this out, and that is great! However, you must recognize that if he refuses, there is nothing you can do and your marriage will end.

So what can you do? Talk to him, preferably in a neutral place, away from the kids, and ask that he at least do some sort of mediation or counselling to either see if you can repair what was broken, or if not, that you can at least end things with a sense of closure and understanding so it will be easier on the two of you and on your children. If he agrees, go and seek help together with an open mind, knowing that you've done everything YOU can. If he says no, then there is not much more you can do other than start preparing yourself for the dissolving of your marriage, making sure you and your children will be taken care of. You may still want to seek counseling for your own benefit, and for your kids too.

**kwheel** · 02-07-2012 07:38 AM

Though he has told me there is no one. I cant help but think that there possibly could be someone who has caught his eye or some type of emotional affair. He is a very successful man- and well some women dont need more then that to pursue. please explain to me how you fall out of love with someone?? its the classic i love you but im not in love with you. He says he will always take care of me and never allow anyone to hurt me but isn't that being in love with someone. We don't argue. Our whole lives have been wrapped up in our kids and trying to make them happy. He says i neglected him but i feel like i was the one neglected in this marriage. Of course i was given all the material possessions but i just needed his time and aattention. he has a whole list of things that i've done wrong. not appreciative,supportive, the list goes on. At this point he says this may not mean divorce but then he'll say he wants a fresh start and it doesnt sound like its with me.

**kwheel** · 02-07-2012 07:43 AM

We had not had sex in a year.................I had a miscarriage and was physically not able to for a while then it just became so long that it became hard to be intimate. He in no way was acting like he was missing it and then when I was ready he would not have any part in it. I asked him one night if we would ever make love again and he said he didnt know. I offered myself one last time days before he left and he said he was tired and that was that.

**kwheel** · 02-07-2012 07:57 AM

hi Claret, He has had an extremely stressful year with work. He owns part of a company and will be selling in about a month.We have plenty of money but i believe the stress is still there of taking care of everything. we have a nice home- take atleast 3 major vacations a year- private school for the kids. He owns 2 sport cars and a suv. he bought me $ 30,000 earrings for Christmas. Though we can easily afford this lifestyle it is him who pursues all this not me. He says he just wants simple things out of life. Funny coming from someone who just bought a porsche!!!