dsquared

I have been married for 10 years. I got married at the age of 39 (second time around) so I thought that I had this relationship thing figured out. I guess we never stop learning. Anyway, I grew up in an old school family. Dad worked and Mom did ALL of the work at home. I know that in our family where both of us work outside of the home that this division of the house work is not a good one. However, I also know that it is hard to go against what we learn as little gilrs. My Mom taught me to not rock the boat. (I am the only gilr of 5 kids.) Mom would just keep on doing everything without complaining. I know that I have this terrible "habit" also.
Now for the issue at hand. When my husband and I first got together there was just the 3 of us, one child form a previous marriage, and it was fairly easy to cook dinner every night (I think it is very important to eat as a family unit), keep up with the laundry and take care of the kids. As the other 2 kids came into our lives the division of work didn't really change and I just kept trying to keep up. And for the most part I did, or I thought I did. The work was getting done but looking back we sacrificed our relationship for it. Our sex life used to be fullfilling for both of us and now I can hardly stand to have him touch me. (oh boy that IS a bad sign) Over the years we have talked about the house work many times. I even remember telling him how I thought our discussing it was cyclical. In that every few months I would get fed up and tell him that I couldn't keep up with it and needed more help. He would grudgingly agree to help more. Then after a while it would go back to the same old thing.
Lately I have begun to realize just how angry the whole thing has made me. And how much I miss having someone to hold me. We are in the middle of another discussion about it and it may be the last. He keeps saying how he just doesn't believe that our problems are over a few dishes or laundry. I have tried to make him understand that it isn't just a few dishes, that it is 7 to 10 meals a week, 5 to 7 loads of laundry a week and that is not counting all of the other things that need to be done in a house where 5 people live everyday.
He doesn't understand what has happened to my sex drive. For the longest time I thought there must be something wrong with me, I even spoke with several doctors about it over the years. Of course, I thought that there must be something wrong with me.
I find myself wondering what happiness is? Am I looking for something that doesn't exist? Is it possible in this insanely busy world of ours to raise kids and still have a good relationship with a man? I feel guilty for wanting more. I have a good healthy family, we live in a very nice house, my husband doesn't beat me or call me names. Why is this not enough?

JubesInquest

D-Square,

How old are the children?
Are they old enough to help you with the housework?

It's not wrong to ask for help-- I mean, you are shouldering the load of a household-- meals everyday, cleaning, cooking, washing and so forth.

You have this unresolved issue with your husband and until you both come to a "happy medium", those problems will spill over into the bedroom.
He doesn't understand it.

All he sees is that it's about "the dishes, the laundry, the housework."

As a woman, what you see is, it's about your husband not listening, not valuing your opinion or the seriousness of the chores and how they're wearing you down; that fact that he may not see housework as valuable as the work of a paying job.

Working around the house is a 24/7 job, and you don't get paid for it, you don't get breaks or lunch hours; neither do you get paid "vacations" and "sick time".

You are worn out from doing so much work yourself and dealing with the children.
See if you can more of a discussion with your husband about this.

__________________
Quitters never win; Winners don't give in

seajaih

Dsquared,
You need some time to yourself. You have lost "you" in all the effort to keep everyone and everything else together.

Why do women think they are not worthy of time spent on themselves?

Take an hour, just do it! Even if you can only lock yourself in the bathroom and read a book. Even if you can only take a slow walk or two around the block, just do it. Take an hour and think of no one but yourself. You need that time, and once you understand that, then and only then, will you be able to tell someone you need and expect some help.
Sounds to me like your husband is disrespecting you, and certainly not understanding you- but that isn't surprising since you have been doing it all for years, keeping silent, sucking it up and going on, he thinks THAT is the REAL you. It isn't, is it ?

Do yourself ( and them) a favor and take that hour for yourself, for some "ME" time, and later you will maybe graduate to 1 1/2 hours or two hours to really be able to think about you and the 'person' you are ( or want to be). You deserve it!

Good luck and take care.

__________________
seajaih

Grandchildren make my heart smile.

JubesInquest

This is very well said.

She absolutely does need time alone.
Reading a book. Going to see a movie. Shopping for HERSELF-- ALONE.
A good pampering, such as some spa visits.

She needs to re-engergize herself but make it clear that she is an EQUAL PARTNER in the marriage, and that all her contributions are of great value and importance.

I know he's not going to work in dirty drawz... I know there's a meal for him when he gets in after a hard day's work; I know his children are groomed and well-fed... but poor wifey is just as worn-down as she can be!

He needs to give her the respect that's due her.

__________________
Quitters never win; Winners don't give in