New to the site and I really need some advice!!

**Angelina** · 08-05-2007 12:09 AM

Hi everyone! i just signed up today and I really need some help!! I just recently got married this past May and we have been together for about 5 1/2 years. I about to turn 22 and he is 30. He has two beautiful girls age 11 and 8. I have raised them like they were my own since we have been together. I love those girl with all my heart! But they are not the problem.. he is. We have been living together since we stared dating. We were only dating two weeks before I moved in with him. It really wasent because I wanted to but I had to leave my home with my parents cause my step dad hit me. So since I moved in with him after 2 weeks of dating we have been living together. I have broken up with him a few times before but we always get back together. I love him with all my heart but I dont think thats enough any more. I'm not happy anymore and I never do anything. He wont let me got out because hes afraid that I will cheat on so I ask him to go with me and he wont even do that. I dont know what to do.. I dont like having sex with him anymore.. it just doesnt do anything for me. Im really not attracted to him anymore. I know that probably sounds bad but I think its because of how he treats me. I dont feel that he respects me and he doesnt take care of himself anymore. Before I was with he slept with ALOT of girls and it really bothers me. It never really did before but now it does. I dont have to stay with him I can always go back home with my Mother but i dont want to do that. I promised the girls this last time that we broke up and got back together that I would never leave them again. They really do need me.. they have a horrible mom who doesnt take care of them and they hate her soo much! Its really sad I think. But Im the only thing thats good in there life. I just dont know what I should do now that Im married.. I feel like Im stuck. Im hoping its going to wear off since we havent been married that long but Im always flirting with other guys.. I like that attention that I get from them. And I want someone that shows me alot of attention and he wont do that for me. Ive been talking to a guy online that lives in another state and I really like him but he is younger than me. But since I have been talking to him Ive been really happy lately and he is all I ever think about. What should I do!! PLEASE HELP ME!! I have no friends anymore and I have no one to talk to.
Thanks for reading all this and I will appreciate any advice or comments.

**LittleDragon** · 08-05-2007 11:26 AM

Some people fall out of love..at the minute I think that is what is happening in my relationship I just dont love him anymore I have no feelings for him although I have told him all this before he never listens, Im not married to him but I have have a child to him, I would say I like to flirt too I just dont have that spark I used to have with him, I think maybe Im just trying for my baby but at the end of the day its our happiness that matters, people have told me its wrong to stay with someone you dont love for the kids. Hope you get more replys on here as it might help me out a bit myself.

**JubesInquest** · 08-09-2007 02:19 PM

Originally Posted by Angelina

Hi everyone! i just signed up today and I really need some help!! I just recently got married this past May and we have been together for about 5 1/2 years. I about to turn 22 and he is 30. He has two beautiful girls age 11 and 8. I have raised them like they were my own since we have been together. I love those girl with all my heart! But they are not the problem.. he is. We have been living together since we stared dating. We were only dating two weeks before I moved in with him. It really wasent because I wanted to but I had to leave my home with my parents cause my step dad hit me. So since I moved in with him after 2 weeks of dating we have been living together. I have broken up with him a few times before but we always get back together. I love him with all my heart but I dont think thats enough any more. I'm not happy anymore and I never do anything. He wont let me got out because hes afraid that I will cheat on so I ask him to go with me and he wont even do that. I dont know what to do.. I dont like having sex with him anymore.. it just doesnt do anything for me. Im really not attracted to him anymore. I know that probably sounds bad but I think its because of how he treats me. I dont feel that he respects me and he doesnt take care of himself anymore. Before I was with he slept with ALOT of girls and it really bothers me. It never really did before but now it does. I dont have to stay with him I can always go back home with my Mother but i dont want to do that. I promised the girls this last time that we broke up and got back together that I would never leave them again. They really do need me.. they have a horrible mom who doesnt take care of them and they hate her soo much! Its really sad I think. But Im the only thing thats good in there life. I just dont know what I should do now that Im married.. I feel like Im stuck. Im hoping its going to wear off since we havent been married that long but Im always flirting with other guys.. I like that attention that I get from them. And I want someone that shows me alot of attention and he wont do that for me. Ive been talking to a guy online that lives in another state and I really like him but he is younger than me. But since I have been talking to him Ive been really happy lately and he is all I ever think about. What should I do!! PLEASE HELP ME!! I have no friends anymore and I have no one to talk to.
Thanks for reading all this and I will appreciate any advice or comments.

#1. Things happened to fast, too soon and you were too young.
You obviously dated him when you were around 16 or 17. He was about 24 or 25. He was all you knew.

#2. You were in a bad situation with your mother and step-father. Step-dad hit you, and you left. You wound up moving in with this guy after 2 WEEKS of dating. I guarantee you he did NOT want that, but he did it because he saw what he could get out of you at that time: an instant bed-warmer and someone to take care of his 2 girls--since their mother doesn't do it.

#3. You don't know yourself. Were you able to graduate from H.S.? Did you want to go on to college? What about planning a career? What have you done for YOU?

#4. He's got you under lock-and-key. He won't let you out of his sight because he's afraid you'll cheat on him; but didn't he do that before you came along? So now he's projecting his insecurities on to YOU.

#5. His girls need HIM and their mother. But, since their mother doesn't want to be bothered with them, you seem to feel the need to be "needed" by being there for the girls--even at the expense of your being miserable. It's nice that you told the girls you won't leave them, but guess what? If he wants to be mean, he can use that against you because he knows you care for the girls.
It speaks volumes of you that you want to help the girls; but he may say something like, "If you leave, you'll never see the girls again." That will hurt.
But you're already hurting because you only got with this man out of obligation because he took you in when your step-dad hit you. He feels like he's your "rescuer" and you "owe" him a debt of gratitude... so even though you 2 got married, it was moreso based on obligation and gratituded.

Now you're online talking to younger men; you say you're no longer attracted to your spouse and looks like everything is just all downhill.

You're all happy chatting online with this other guy. What do you know about this other guy OTHER THAN what he's typing online anyway? You're going from the frying pan to the fire.

Hopping from one situation to the other doesn't solve what's going on here.
What are you going to do about this?

**Angelina** · 08-09-2007 02:32 PM

Thanx to everyone who has responded so far.
Jubes to answer ? #3.. i didnt finish HS but i got my GED n i just started goin to college.
About this guy that I have been talkin to. Ive talked to him online for about 2 years but we were just like friends before n now that I have been havin problems at home i just needed someone to talk to n he has always been there. We've got on the web cams before so we can see eachother live n to make sure thats what he really looked like. lol I really cant do anything right now.. I dont have my license at the moment n i just started working again so i have no money to move out on my own. But now that I got a job again I'm going to start puttin some money away on the side n not tell him about it n hopefully save up enough to put a deposit on an apartment. I have friends that will move in with me if I were to move out so I wouldnt be alone. But its just hard for me to imagine bein out on my own since I have never done it. I dont know if I can do it. I know I will be able to after I finish school. But thats still 4 years away. I just feel like Im stuck.. :/

**chldofGOD** · 08-09-2007 08:10 PM

Hello,
what i mean by my title is this. What is going on is your husband is having probelms, the girls are having problems, and now you are having problems, DON'T let this happen. I don't know your religious stand point but what i can say is that your being attacked and right now you can either submit unto it or start fighting back, and if you decide to fight back dig deep and jump. First you HAVE to stop talking to the guy on the internet, what you are actually doing is making you life a whole lot harder because the energy you are pouring into this other man is the same energy you are taking away from your husband, which only brings confusion. Next, you need to get the girls out and spend some QUALITY time with your man. after all, he is YOUR MAN, so enjoy him. He loves you, you have to continue to remind yourself that. He loves you and you love him. Love is a powerful thing, and because you once loved there's some spark down there, you just gotta dig deep. Third, go out anyways and get your hair done, buy a nice sexy lingerie outfit to make you feel good about yourself and something that can throw some spunk back into it. You know, light candles, and have fun! Don't beat yourself up! And last, communication, you HAVE to have communication with your man, no communication, no relationship. You guys have to TALK, learn more about each other. The #1 thing you DON't EVER do is focus on the past, it's done we can't change it we must move forward, and remeber it's billions of other people going through the same thing we go through. One more thing. Being a WOMAN is a powerful thing, so grab ahold of that inner instinct we all have and JUMP! It's gonna be ok! I hope that helped and if i see a reply from you to this message i'll do my best to write you back. Much luv

**Angelina** · 08-09-2007 10:15 PM

Thanx for ur reply chldofGOD. I understand what ur sayin but the thing with the internet guy.. I was having problems before I ever started that. I just soo tired of tryin to make my husband happy. I put in all the effort and I got nothing in return. I can only do so much and I dont think I can do it much longer. Its taking too much out of me tryin to make him happy and make this relationship work. I dont mind it when the girls are here. It makes me alot happier when they are here. We dont get to see them that much anymore. Maybe like 1 week a month and the rest of the time its me and him.. I know he loves me and I love him but I dont think that its enough anymore. Im just not attracted to him anymore in a sexual way. Hes like a friend to me now. It almost seems like I have made my mind up about leaving but then again I dont want to.. maybe Im just scarred to be on my own. I really dont know. Im soo confused

**alibaby** · 08-10-2007 10:15 AM

Hi Angelina.

Have you thought about counseling? In counseling, you get to sort out your feelings and figure out why you and your husband (if he chooses to go with you) are in such different places. You can then work on repairing your marriage or you can work on ending it in a healthier manner. Just something else for you to consider.

**JubesInquest** · 08-10-2007 10:53 AM

From the way Angelina sounds, the marriage is over.

She's got a job, she did get her GED and she said she just started college.
She also said that she's going to put some money up "on the side" and not tell her husband about it so that she can get an apartment.

She was (and still is) very young when she moved in with this guy. He's older than she is, and she said after 2 weeks of dating, she moved in with him--and that was because her step-dad hit her and she left out of the house.

She does not seem to enjoy his company; she looks forward to the "internet guy" and that's who she has now attached herself to.

She's just there until she can move out.

**SimpleWomanInChicago** · 08-31-2007 06:47 PM

I'm suprised that no one has mentioned that feeling unattracted to your spouse is really not all that uncommon. After 5 yrs. I'm sure the initial fire has dwindled a bit. It always does at some point. Things become monotonous. I understand he keeps you under "lock and key". The question is, is he a very controlling person? or do you think he has noticed that you're no longer attracted and is doing this out of insecurity? Neither is correct, but "why" does matter. What was the initial basis of your relationship? Was he the rescuer and you, the damsel in distress? or was it an even playing field. There are a couple problems w/simply moving on w/out truly assessing every aspect of why you want to escape - and I fully understand that's what you're trying to do now. You're married now. Before taking a plunge into divorce, I'd have to say that counseling is very good idea, especially given the abuse in your past. Any counselor worth their salt will tell you that you and your hubby need individual counseling for a period of time before attempting marriage counseling. Go for yourself if nothing else. Friends are great sounding boards, but you have to be on track yourself to properly assess their advice. I'm not a professional, most people aren't. We just throw out the best advice we can. Maybe a professional can help you take another approach to things and help put things in perspective. I'm not saying it's good to stay or go. I don't know you, your hubby, or your situation - not really. The best advice I can give is talk to a professional and don't make any rash decisions, one way or another until you're as sure as you can be about leaving this man. This is based on the fact that you did not mention extreme emotional or physical abuse. If either are present, get out and decide if it's something that can be worked on from afar or not! Good luck and best wishes!!

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