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Thread: ??break up over porn addiction??

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    Unhappy ??break up over porn addiction??


    I have been with my fiance for almost 2 years now, and we will be married in about a year and a half. Ever sense we met I have always noticed lots of porn on his internet history. I have asked him several times to stop and tried several different approaches; asking him to choose porn or me, asking him to limit the porn, and even watching it with him- nothing has worked. He is 24, and within our relationship we have always had amazing sex, usually twice a day, so I am always confused why he needs this outlet. I struggle with trying to figure out if there is something wrong with me or with him. I have tried to convince myself that its ok, and that every man does it, but it never stops hurting me. I constantly feel betrayed and ugly. I have lost my sense of self and don't feel beautiful. Now when I bring it up with him, he gets very angry and tries to change the subject. He has also said when I ask him to not look at porn it makes him want to do it more. I am at a loss at how to handle this anymore. I have threatened to leave him if he did not stop but that has not worked. I guess at this only point my only option is to really leave him... or is there some other way to help him or help me??

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    Unfortunately, this is one of those things that you can't solve with an ultimatum. It sounds like it's a real vice for him, and if it is, the only solution is to get to the root of the problem.
    Let me ask you these things: Is his need to watch porn steady, or are there periods of time where he watches it more? Do you know about his relationships in the past? I am asking these things because I have found, in my experience, that most of the guys that watch a lot of porn tend to do it because they had very little/no sexual experiences in their teens, and developed their sexual release by watching pornography. Old habits die hard, and that is one for a LOT of guys. That being said though, you DID mention that you are having sex rather regularly (more than most, I might add- LUCKY GIRL!!!), which leads me to this question: does he need to watch porn while you guys have sex, or can he go without then? Does he always masturbate when he watches porn? Maybe he is a nymphomaniac, and has a constant desire to fulfill his sexual needs, and is masturbating really frequently in addition to having sex to fulfill those urges. Men are visually stimulated, and pornography is exclusively designed to feed that stimulus for men (primarily, there are plenty of women out there who find it arousing too!). For many, it becomes an addiction. It can be very possible that he is addicted, and may need some sort of counseling to get over it. My husband and I had neighbors once that we were friends with, and the husband was a bit more obsessed than usual with porn (and would constantly choose porn of his wife.) It got to the point where he was trying to hide it from her, and became so obsessed with watching the porn and masturbating, that he began to neglect her sexual needs. She had come to me and my husband complaining, and when we tried to discuss it with him, he'd said that he watched porn because he couldn't deal with his own fantasies, because his fantasies were "out there" according to him, and making him want to do things that he didn't think he should. I never quite understood that, but the point I am trying to make is that guys can have some really weird reasons for things they do, and this is no exception. What I would recommend is trying to get to the source of the problem, because treating the symptoms won't treat the problem itself. It ISN'T fair for you to feel betrayed by him watching porn, and it can be damaging to a person's self-esteem, and nobody would agree that should happen. If you feel that communication is open enough between you that you can ask him questions as to why he feels he needs it, then go for it! Then if you get to understand why he does it, start working from there on solutions to the problem (if there are any!). If you can't seem to get to the bottom of things, make it really clear how YOU feel, and how his obsession with porn is hurting you and your relationship. If he feels strongly enough about your relationship then he will be willing to do what it takes, even if that means therapy. I hope this helps.

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    Default I'm in the same boat... porn + marriage = problem!!

    I can completely understand your situation. I have been married for over a year, and during this past year, my husband and I have had recurring arguments about his porn habit. I knew he had some playboys in his apartment when we were dating. (that's not that big of a deal to me) Over the past year, I have discovered several 'hidden' dvds, and have made multiple discoveries of his online porn. (computer browser histories, google histories --clicking the arrow on the drop down menus reveals these sites, pop-up boxes, you get the drift)

    He usually 'sneaks' around, and attempts to do it secretly. That to me is an indication that he may have a problem.
    He tells me he has thrown out his porn dvd's (I believe there were only 3 -5 of them), and since our computer has crashed for the third time, he says he will not look at online porn again. Considering our past, though, I am sad to say I doubt his sincerity.

    I am an educated female, capable of taking care of myself, and I honestly have thought recently this could be the deal-breaker in our marriage.
    I want to work through this with my husband. It is truly THE major issue in our marriage.
    To compromise, I have recently bought him an issue of Playboy. It really annoys me that he reads it, though. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't. Overall, I feel that porn is degrading to women, and I highly disagree with it. I don't feel that my opinion on this is going to change. By the way, I am highly sexual, and there are many nights when I feel neglected physically. I feel like my husband has two different sexual lives-- one with me and one with porn (this I cannot deal with!).

    Any advice? Thanks so much.

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    Porn is a disease that some men call just part of being a man. When I heard a man say this on a Forum, he woke up my ire. I have heard that it is funding 80% of the internet. It kills marriages and relationships besides making a woman look like such a low life. It also has a nice audience of women that are addicted to it. Of all the men/women that watch this craze, 10% have a problem. This is so serious that it is being considered some sort of a mental problem. A man who watches porn can make it his life. His wife cannot compete with it. He sees all these things that other men are doing to her and he forces them on her. I know. They have written me. It gets me sick. What can start as a casual amusement can become something big. Often she can be turned on so that she too gets into porn. BUT the question is where is her excitement coming from? A woman or the man? It brings out thoughts in us we never had before. Bad thoughts that people turn around and make good thoughts. Hell, it is not going to hurt us.....Let's get another movie...Wow, a threesome would be fun....Look at all the fun that they are having.... Is sucks no matter how you look at it. We have never had Porn in our marriage. Oh we have seen a couple of hot Canadia Royale movies in the last couple years but we still have three unopened movies. It cheapens who we are. I am his porn. Anything they can do I can do better and that is the way I feel. What happens in other marriage's, I do not know. It disturbs me when people are told to watch porn by therapists to make their marriages hotter or better. Why is it necessary to watch other screwing their brains out so that we can get hot and get it on. Something does not make sense. We want to see other naked people so that we can get excited. Pretty close to the animals in my thinking. Maybe one set of us should be in a cage.

    So often I look at life and how we grew up with our children. Then I see the mess that we live in. They say that this Porn is OK. Yet since this has all come about more men are turning to men for sex. This is what they see as youth and their sexual education. That is a new exciting sexual window that has now opened. Young men in their early teens learn of sex on the internet so they watch men and how they blow other men and they like it. So now so many of our beautiful men now go another way without ever knowing their first dates and the innocence of kissing their first girlfriend. Women in desperation find love with women. What is the answer who knows. So I write on a sheet of computer paper and sound off and hit the submit key and feel a hell of a lot better .....

    Take Care,
    C
    Last edited by C; 10-11-2007 at 08:56 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by mandy3 View Post
    I can completely understand your situation. I have been married for over a year, and during this past year, my husband and I have had recurring arguments about his porn habit. I knew he had some playboys in his apartment when we were dating. (that's not that big of a deal to me) Over the past year, I have discovered several 'hidden' dvds, and have made multiple discoveries of his online porn. (computer browser histories, google histories --clicking the arrow on the drop down menus reveals these sites, pop-up boxes, you get the drift)

    He usually 'sneaks' around, and attempts to do it secretly. That to me is an indication that he may have a problem.
    He tells me he has thrown out his porn dvd's (I believe there were only 3 -5 of them), and since our computer has crashed for the third time, he says he will not look at online porn again. Considering our past, though, I am sad to say I doubt his sincerity.

    I am an educated female, capable of taking care of myself, and I honestly have thought recently this could be the deal-breaker in our marriage.
    I want to work through this with my husband. It is truly THE major issue in our marriage.
    To compromise, I have recently bought him an issue of Playboy. It really annoys me that he reads it, though. I'm not going to pretend it doesn't. Overall, I feel that porn is degrading to women, and I highly disagree with it. I don't feel that my opinion on this is going to change. By the way, I am highly sexual, and there are many nights when I feel neglected physically. I feel like my husband has two different sexual lives-- one with me and one with porn (this I cannot deal with!).

    Any advice? Thanks so much.
    I have no knowledge of getting over this sick habit but if it was my husband I would say you go cold turkey. Why baby a sick habit and say a little at a time. If I love to walk around naked outside because it excites me, I am not allowed to just wear more and more clothes each day until I can stand it and be clothed. Sex is too powerful and he has to give up the power of making love to himself and let you do this for him. He has to change and give all to you instead of a moving picture on a screen. Ask him how you can be all that he wants in a woman? I feel this is so degrading to a woman from both ends. The woman who does it and the wife who has to live with it. The women on these sites are generally getting paid to let the man do what they do. No woman should have to deal with a man shooting cum all over them. No woman should have to swallow unless she wants to. This sexual act is so erotic and I love it but it must be done with want and not forced and many women do not want to do it and should not have to. No woman should be forced to have a man's c shoved up her butt unless she wants to. It seems like all the things that these men are bringing out of watching this porn are things to degrade the woman and not them. I feel sorry for every woman that has to tolerate this because so many men have said that most men like it and it is a male macho thing.

    I wish I could help but I can only offer love and support.....Best of luck....
    Last edited by C; 10-11-2007 at 09:45 PM.

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    I know how you feel my fiance does the same thing it hurts and I know he isn't going to stop it and I don't know what to say to him.. I want to say something but I don't want him to leave me over it.

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    I've been delaying touching any of the "porn" posts, and I'm not going to get sucked into a long debate, but:

    You (the original poster) say you have a good sex life, and you don't complain about any problems other than his watching porn. Is it really hurting you? If your SO became outraged because you wore lipstick, and threatened to leave you if you didn't stop, how would you feel?

    A previous posted claimed that something like 80% of the internet was funded by porn. I dont' know the number, but pornography is certainly big business. This suggests that a great many men watch porn. You should consider if you want to remove all of them from the list of potential mates.

    Please don't take this personally, it is just that in reading this site I've noticed that any post involving porn gets 10 times the replies of posts involving what seem to me to be far more serious problems: Violence against women, Theft, abusive behaviour, etc.

    Now, there are some (maybe many) men that have a pornography addiction. This is a real and serious problem. But not everyone who view pornography is an addict, just as not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.

    There are people who watch horrible depraved porn - but much of porn is quite mundane.

    There are some men who watch violent porn and then commit violent sex crimes. But there are people who play in college sports, and then commit violent sex crimes.

    There are some men who watch porn and compare the actresses with their wives - but most don't. Do women compare their husbands to Antonio Banderas (god I hope not - I just can't do my hair that well).

    There are women who watch porn. There are men and women who make porn movies for free and distribute them because they are exhibitionists.

    OK, I'll make comments on at least 10 more serious posts before I return to this one.

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    Quote Originally Posted by rcoreyus View Post
    I've been delaying touching any of the "porn" posts, and I'm not going to get sucked into a long debate, but:

    You (the original poster) say you have a good sex life, and you don't complain about any problems other than his watching porn. Is it really hurting you? If your SO became outraged because you wore lipstick, and threatened to leave you if you didn't stop, how would you feel?

    A previous posted claimed that something like 80% of the internet was funded by porn. I dont' know the number, but pornography is certainly big business. This suggests that a great many men watch porn. You should consider if you want to remove all of them from the list of potential mates.

    Please don't take this personally, it is just that in reading this site I've noticed that any post involving porn gets 10 times the replies of posts involving what seem to me to be far more serious problems: Violence against women, Theft, abusive behaviour, etc.

    Now, there are some (maybe many) men that have a pornography addiction. This is a real and serious problem. But not everyone who view pornography is an addict, just as not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.

    There are people who watch horrible depraved porn - but much of porn is quite mundane.

    There are some men who watch violent porn and then commit violent sex crimes. But there are people who play in college sports, and then commit violent sex crimes.

    There are some men who watch porn and compare the actresses with their wives - but most don't. Do women compare their husbands to Antonio Banderas (god I hope not - I just can't do my hair that well).

    There are women who watch porn. There are men and women who make porn movies for free and distribute them because they are exhibitionists.

    OK, I'll make comments on at least 10 more serious posts before I return to this one.

    I myself have been reading but avoiding posting on these threads but I thought I would finally break my silence and add some of my thoughts on this issue.

    I admit, I have watched it a few times out of curiosity and trying to understand it's "lure".

    But I, as some struggle with accepting the idea of porn in a relationship and really I can't seem to pinpoint the root of my issues.

    Maybe it's because being female I don't understand the "need" for some men to watch.

    Maybe it's because I don't understand that if a male has a wonderful sexual relationship, is sexually satisfied with his partner, why does he need it? What is it he's lacking from his partner that needs to be filled from watching?

    I feel that porn cheapens the act of having sex. Maybe it's because of my feelings on sex - best described in the thread I posted yesterday entitled "a beautiful description". I don't take sex lightly, I don't think it is a tool or something to be played with. However, I know at times you just get this "animal urge" and just need a good ********k rather than a love making session. < I Hope that made some sense.

    I understand what you were trying to say with the lipstick comparison and it does make sense to me somewhat. But to me sex is more important in a relationship than lipstick. It's like comparing apples to oranges so to speak.

    Your comment about not all that watch are addicts, I agree, very true.

    Yes, there are women who watch porn, women who have no problem with their husbands/boyfriends watching it, and there are some that watch it with them. It is great that they can do this in a relationship without problems.

    But just as there are females that have no issues with it, there are also females that do have issues for whatever the reason. I believe that if the female has a problem with it, her S/O should just not ignore her feelings on it and continue on his "merry way". Him ignoring her feelings can be a great deal of the hurt to her, even to the point as to whether or not the relationship is worth the hurt.

    BTW, I love your Antonio Banderas comment, gave me a chuckle.
    Last edited by Fallen1; 10-19-2007 at 11:22 AM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by Fallen1 View Post
    I myself have been reading but avoiding posting on these threads but I thought I would finally break my silence and add some of my thoughts on this issue.

    I admit, I have watched it a few times out of curiosity and trying to understand it's "lure".

    But I, as some struggle with accepting the idea of porn in a relationship and really I can't seem to pinpoint the root of my issues.

    Maybe it's because being female I don't understand the "need" for some men to watch.

    Maybe it's because I don't understand that if a male has a wonderful sexual relationship, is sexually satisfied with his partner, why does he need it? What is it he's lacking from his partner that needs to be filled from watching?

    I feel that porn cheapens the act of having sex. Maybe it's because of my feelings on sex - best described in the thread I posted yesterday entitled "a beautiful description". I don't take sex lightly, I don't think it is a tool or something to be played with. However, I know at times you just get this "animal urge" and just need a good ********k rather than a love making session. < I Hope that made some sense.

    I understand what you were trying to say with the lipstick comparison and it does make sense to me somewhat. But to me sex is more important in a relationship than lipstick. It's like comparing apples to oranges so to speak.

    Your comment about not all that watch are addicts, I agree, very true.

    Yes, there are women who watch porn, women who have no problem with their husbands/boyfriends watching it, and there are some that watch it with them. It is great that they can do this in a relationship without problems.

    But just as there are females that have no issues with it, there are also females that do have issues for whatever the reason. I believe that if the female has a problem with it, her S/O should just not ignore her feelings on it and continue on his "merry way". Him ignoring her feelings can be a great deal of the hurt to her, even to the point as to whether or not the relationship is worth the hurt.

    BTW, I love your Antonio Banderas comment, gave me a chuckle.
    My thoughts on this are that if two people are really in love and in heat with each other then they do not need a third party(meaning porn) in bed with them. It detracts from the pleasure of groping each other. Memories of what they do on the screen creep into your head that should not be there. You try to be them but what if your partner does not want this. In my esitmation just a little bit of watching will not hurt is probably OK for many BUT I could use the same excuse for candy and weight 500 pounds.

    I never in my life saw porn until a little over two years ago. I am sure this sounds like I was born on the far side of the moon, maybe I was. Truly, I think I was just dense. Yet, my husband and I are heat in motion. Not knowing for me was good. Come to think of it, I did see my first porn about ten years ago in New Jersey on vacation. Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee. Their honeymoon flick. That guy is really hung. Forgot about that. My husband the sailor has seen plenty of porn while he was young. BUT his reaction at that motel watching Pamela and Tommy was that of a person I did not know. His eyes were glued to the TV. As I recall he did me twice that night and when we went to the third time I shut the TV off. It was wild and as wild as it was, it was not who we are. When I think back on it, he was not as tender as he usually was.

    When I saw one of my first two porn movies two years ago, one had Jenna Johnston in it. I found a me that I had never known before. She was captivated by that hot female body. I never saw a woman with all her sexual parts exposed and in all her beauty and glory before. I was looking at what I looked like. And may I tell you I liked it. I liked it a lot. Maybe enough that my husband saw the heat I was in. I knew then and there that if I was younger and as beautiful as I was plus being built like a brick s****t house, that I would have done that woman just like that. I felt something in my sexual self that was not good. It was a new excitement. Even though I am all woman it woke something up in me that should have been kept asleep. I love men and my husband but I learned that you never wake a sleeping tiger.

    What concered me was the woman that said she worries about losing her finance if she says something to him. I wonder if she knew what she said. He is the man that she is going to marry and yet she is worried that he would pick porn and naked women over her. This to me is more concerning than anything else said here...Think it over before you marry him.
    Last edited by C; 10-19-2007 at 02:29 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by CarolineWH View Post
    I never in my life saw porn until a little over two years ago. I am sure this sounds like I was born on the far side of the moon, maybe I was. Truly, I think I was just dense.
    If you were like me you were just sheltered by your parents. My mother never had "the talk" with me. I Like you just woke up one day and was like "sex, grrrrr". I'm still learning new things to this day.

    Quote Originally Posted by CarolineWH View Post
    What concered me was the woman that said she worries about losing her finance if she says something to him. I wonder if she knew what she said. He is the man that she is going to marry and yet she is worried that he would pick porn and naked women over her. This to me is more concerning than anything else said here...Think it over before you marry him.
    I agree. If she's already worried it will probably do nothing but cause problems in the marriage. I would try to get this resolved before taking the next step in the relationship.

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