Hi ladies -

This is my first post here, I hope someone has words of wisdom for me!! I have been with my husband eleven years, married for eight. Our sex life, as great as it is, is very up-and-down. Whenever he's stressed, he has absolutely no interest. So I've learned to deal with it because every other aspect of our marriage is wonderful: he is a great provider, an amazing father, loyal friend, very family oriented, and we communicate really well. We've also had a lot of tragedies in our short life together that we're told we've handled remarkably well and know lots of couples who would not have survived this long, but again, that stress affects our sex life for long periods.

Annnnyyyway... we haven't had sex in eight months. This past winter he was diagnosed with cancer. Right away I did all the research, joined a support group. All the wives and men I spoke to, at one time or another, told me that their sex lives did not suffer at all, throughout chemo or after surgery. Well, we are now one full month since his release from the hospital, four months past chemo, and he hasn't touched me. At all. (He's cancer free, by the way) He just brushes my lips for a kiss, and the one "good" kiss that could have led to something... he just turned over and went to bed. I have been by his side at every turn, sat with him every day during four weeks of chemo, slept by his hospital bed for a month, waited on him hand and foot for his rehabilitation and recovery each time. He'll hold my hand while we watch t.v. or put his head on my chest, but that's the extent.

The problem is that I'm seriously of thinking that if an opportunity presents itself with someone else, I might not say no. I don't go out with my friends because most of them are single (I did not grow up here, these are women I've met) and nights out involve lots of men paying their bills and inviting them to clubs and I know my husband wouldn't appreciate that. The two times I did go out, I was hit on right off and even though I felt great about it, I gave the "happily married" speech and that was that. (BTW, I can't believe that a wedding ring is more of a draw than a deterrent) Last week I had to go to a function back in my hometown and saw lots of guys that I went to school with, dated, etc. I got hit on left and right! I was loving it, and I didn't want to go home.

I don't want a relationship, and I don't want an "emotional" affair. I want sex, and I'm just thinking that next time I might be reckless and let whatever happens happen. I've asked my husband about when he thinks he'll be ready and he keeps saying he "can't wait" - but the doctor gave him the okay a million years ago and he's not ready yet. I'm tired of being rejected in our marriage based on his level of stress or unhappiness and he thinks its completely normal and I should just deal with it. I can't talk about this with my friends or family because they adore him. There is almost no way to talk about this other than to sound like a selfish awful shrew because of the cancer, and I am so guilty that after all these years of our sex life being inconsistent, for some reason now is the time I'm really feeling like a caged animal.

Someone please give me some advice. Please.

Well, If I lived close to you I would "take care" of you. I'm happily married but if I find someone like you who just wants sex, I would definitely "do you" . No strings attached. The only problem is that I would like to have what I don't have at home. For example, I get plenty of vaginal sex at home. But I like ***, so I always thought that if I meet someone outside marriage, I would definitelly do things I don't do at home. So if you were to meet a guy like me, I would not spare your lovely rear end - be advised - lol.

It would probably be easy to call you a shrew like you said, tell you that since your husband had cancer you should be so considerate, and condemn you ...
But I'm not going to do that.
You have a need that is not being fulfilled in your marriage and when people's needs aren't fulfilled, they have a right to be upset. Talk to him about the severity of your needs and do what you can to take care of them yourself. Is masturbation out of the question? Toys, vibrators? His lack of sex drive isn't his fault; it's just how his hormone flow is going, but you should be able to compromise in the middle without infidelity coming into play. If you can't, then you should consider whether you could spend your life celibate, whether you could justify cheating on your husband, or whether you wanted to divorce him over this.
ThePhotographer ... your answer kind of makes me sad. I read the thread you posted a while back, and I assume those issues have not been resolved? I hope you can find a way to be really happy with your sexual life :/ You seem like such a caring person.

sorry but i think you are being selfish! how would you feel if the situation was reversed?

i bet you would not like the thought of your husband going behind your back.

i would talk to your husband about the situation, remember you married for better or for worse.

if you can not wait then do the decent thing and get a divorce before you sleep with someone else.

Has your husbands hormones been checked? Perhaps his testosterone is low. Also, the after effects of cancer/chemo can cause depression which would lower his libido and shouldn't be overlooked . I think he should go to his reg. doc and get routine checkup. Cancer plays with your head, the treatment plays with your body.

how can you say you are happily married? if you were happy you would'nt consider cheating on your wife!

Thanks FreeSpirit. I had thought of that a while ago, the testosterone being low, but when I mentioned it he did kind of shrug it off, insisted he was just stressed and tired. We do have a good dialogue about what goes on in the bedroom when we're out of it, which makes it easier. Maybe I should mention it again and now after the chemo it would be something he would be open to. Also part of me thinks I'm having these thoughts in almost an exaggerated response to the stress, but I don't know.

Hotdogg - how would I feel if the situation were reversed, you ask? If for eight years I turned my husband down 80% of the time for sex? I would imagine he'd be cheating on me, that's what I would think. Why would I divorce someone whom I love and adore on every level except for this one issue? The thought of 52 more years of marriage with sex once a month or less is overwhelmingly depressing.

And I know this sounds like a cop-out, but I do really want to talk about it with him but I feel like the stress we have been under is so great that I don't want to give him something else to be upset/depressed/stressed about.