Mods: can you please delete the specific names. I really think we want all discussions here to be anonymous. I have no reason to doubt what EmotionsRvalid has stated, but there is no way to know that they are true either.

If a name is used, that post can be found through a google search. Lawsuits, even murder could result.

We really need to keep this forum as anonymous as we can. Already I worry that my postings may give away too much. Everything I say here I believe, but some of it is private or involves private information about others.

It is pretty obvious you are very angry. Which is good.
You move from grief to mourning to sorrow to depression
to anger. You're on your way to indifference.

The idea that 'people change' is oft used and more often
abused.

She is amoral. She will have sex with other men. He is
enjoying himself. Let them have each other. They
deserve each other.

How can your lawyer so blythly claim she will get the
kids when she is having an affair with a married man?

I took out the names that were posted due to the prudent counsel given. I'm embarrassed that I did that now, I'm sorry. I hope I took it off soon enough as to not hurt anyone. I think I do have some anger going on. I wish I didn't. When I try to find my way out of this mess that I feel it seems to stir things back up. I some how think that stirring it up gets it out of you and allows you to assess what you're feeling, but I sometimes worry that maybe it can drag the process on and on.
I've had so many unanswered questions that just persist. I've asked her, done hundreds of dollars of therapy and she tells me "I don't know why I did it, I'm not sure etc."
Most perplexing to me is usually when I pray about things I usually feel very solid about what to do and it's reassuring. With this in the middle of praying about it I began sobbing deeply and was inspired to pray for patience. Patience. What do you do? I know God loves all his children and wants what's best. In hindsight I see that I've grown tremendously as I've been patient. What else do I need to learn from this experience before I can be at peace? That is what I want to know.

Legally, if the relationship between your wife and this chap
is true then you are fully protected in posting his name. If
you have reasonable suspicion to believe that he is liable
it is also protected as fair comment.

There is a MB which prides it self on publishing the names
of cheaters...Cheating Men, Signs of Cheating Men - WomanSavers.

In this forum, however, where we deal issues in a more
general manner, and the name of the chap is not particularly
important, I think referring to him as Toad might be more useful.

As to the meat of your post....

You have to feel anger. You have been betrayed. It is normal.

I told you why she did it, she's amoral.

Have you ever been in a situation where you have no idea
you did something wrong?

Some social gaffe you've made, totally unaware that you
don't sit in the 'Late President's Chair' or use 'Grandfather's
Ashtray', or any one of a number of 'infractions' you performed
which were morally neutral when you did them?

That is exactly where her head is at.

You have nothing to learn from this experience save this;

In ancient days, when we were children, there were all
sorts of signs and symbols, and smiting. Now that we have
reached young adulthood, a small warning sign; 'don't
touch' should be sufficient.

As soon as you learned she had this kind of a past
you should have run very quickly in another direction.

This is not a girl who was in love with a chap who
was killed in Iraq or a car accident, or whose boyfriend
dumped her for another woman.

This is a girl who was having an affair with a married
man with both eyes open. A girl who knew he wasn't
going to divorce his wife for her, but satisfied her
lusts anyway.

Given another opportunity to satisfy her lusts with
the same chap, she takes it.

Where do you come into the story?
You could be a stuffed polar bear.

What has been troubling you is that if you explore
your past, and collect all the small 'don't touch'
signs, you will appreciate that you were warned.

I've called and talked to him several times. Once I accused him of having other affairs and he said that he did. Later when I brought it up about having to tell his wife because of her health he denied it. One story, then another. Every one is tempted with ****** things. In anger I wanted to make out with his wife while he comes in. That's WAY foolish and vengeful, not to mention I'd hate myself for doing it. I'd be like them. They just don't get it though. They really don't. My wife walked in while I was on the forum and freaked out because I closed the browser. She thought it was porn or who knows what. I told her I had unanswered questions and that I wasn't getting any answers from her. She then asked who I was emailing. I told her I didn't know the people or where they were from and she seemed OK with it. She told me to write down my questions and she'd write down some answers. I may not know all the reasons why, but I'm hesitant to do that. I just don't trust her. So what if she answers the questions- you know? Her first answer as to why she cheated I think maybe was accurate. She said "It's not like I'm some bad person or something I love him and he loves me. I don't know, it's kinda like a porn addiction or something." I kinda freaked out about it. I knew he was using her. I knew what was going on with him probably better than she did from talking to him on the phone. I didn't want to call it like I saw it but foolishly still insisted that he didn't really love her. To me if you love someone- you're loyal and sacrifice for them. You work through struggles together and their needs are as important as your own. He used her and dumped her twice. That's not love. That's being a player. A married player of the worst kind. Initially it was a lot easier to be mad at him and blame him because I loved her. After talking with him and constructing a time line I can see that she initiated the affair and the oral sex not him. She seduced me when we were dating and I think she likely preyed on him this go around. He has ten years on me and makes more money than I do. I think that motivated her some. She always talks about cars that are $40K+ come to find out that's what he has. I'm still finishing my senior year in college. Having a baby, buying a house and working two jobs so your wife can stay home with our daughter slows you down in school. Not to mention makes it hard to buy a new luxury car. His wife worked to put him through school without him having to work. As well as I've done to accomplish what I have, through the struggles that I've had and all with zero debt except for the house I think is pretty good! We have more than anyone I know that's doing what I'm doing.

I thought ****** wasn't a cuss word any more than dumb, foolish, etc. My bad. What's politically correct for lack of judgment? I admit I do my fair share as much as the next person. Lack of judgment takes a lot longer to type. Oh well.... Lack of judgment.

Kaylar, I hate hearing what you have to say, but I know I need to hear what you're saying. You remind me of Dr. Laura on the radio. All through growing up I've been afraid of divorce. Especially because of what it can do to children (my friends growing up). When we married she "repented" of everything in her past and I forgave her 70X7. It was hard and took time. Especially hard was sex advice from her in the bedroom. I forced myself mentally to deal with it and with time healed from it. Needless to say that's come undone now. I'm still afraid of what's in store for my daughter. One lawyer was someone I lived next to growing up whose wife cheated on him five years passed and she did it again. She was a stewardess and he of course a lawyer. He advised me to try to work it out with her. That made no sense to me! He'd been there, it failed and he was recomending I make the same mistake he had made. His sons 1st wife cheated on him and he divorced her. His 2nd wife cheated on him after the 1st month and the separated for a month and got back together and have been together since. I talked to this lawyers son who's a friend of mine and he still struggles, but seems kinda OK and happy. This with my answer from a prayer to be patient, and the concern for my two year old daughter keeps me married for now. I know if five years from now she cheat again it will be harder on my daughter and maybe more kids, but I have to wonder. What if she could change? What if we could work it out some how? I feel like I'm "lack of judgment" for even saying that, but I also worry about hurting the feelings of my next spouse with this whole past thing and damage I have from it.