first time problem for me

**misskitty3** · 12-28-2007 08:42 AM

Hi everyone.

I am having an issue that i've never had to deal with before. hubby and i have talked about it but i'm still needing advice from the ladies.

so... its been about 3 weeks without sex.... hubby says that he doesn't feel like doing it, and that there's nothing wrong with me, its just that he's not in the mood. everytime i would be flirtatous and suggest we should have some alone time, he'd have a headache, stomach ache, too busy painting the house, etc... so duh?

what am i to think? that there is something wrong with me? he doesn't approach me to have sex, i was always approaching him and now that he's told me that he doesn't want to i have to respect that and sit around waiting for him to make a move...cause i can't or i'll look too pushy or whatever...

so, then he admits that its a little boring. we have a routine. i get that i really do, but why am i the only one who is to do something about it? i asked him what would make it more interesting he says, i don't know... ugh! so i did end up buying a ton of lingere (over $300 worth) and i'm hoping that will put some spark back...

I've never ever in my life have had a man say that he's not in the mood. especially not my husband. we've been together for 6 years and this hasn't happened. there were a lot of times where i said i wasn't in the mood and we went a couple weeks without, and he kept grilling me and asking if it was him and i told him no, it was me..but that didn't satisfy his mind at the time. but now, i'm not suppose to react the way that he did cause he's tired of talking about it.

friends of ours (you know how everyone talks) haven't had sex in months! so hubby tells me to go talk to them and see if our situation is so bad! well, its obviously becoming a problem and it doesn't matter the duration it just matters that its an issue right now.

so what am i supposed to think? the other day he promised me we would have sex, (which is ****** cause i don't want a promise i want sponteneity) and of course we didn't.

i know that there is a double standard where women can say, not right now honey, and men are supposed to accept that...but when it happens the other way around, women are more insecure than men and it seems to be hurting a lot more

sorry to have gone on but i haven't talked about this to anyone and the anonimity of this forum is great for stuff like that huh? i don't even know if i'll be able to tell my psychiatrist! LOL!

**rcoreyus** · 12-28-2007 10:01 AM

You said that sometimes earlier in your relationship you were not in the mood and turned him down for a few weeks. Could he be feeling what you were feeling then (whatever that was?). Despite the double standard, men are not sex-machines: always ready and eager.

Has this been a long term problem, or only this one time? There are a number of people in long term relationships where there is a tremendous difference between the partners' desire for sex. (and several threads on this). I don't think there has been any clear conclusion on what could cause this or what to do about it.

If this is short term - maybe it is something specific? Does he have 'performance' problems and is embarassed (this is something many men will absolutely not admit to). Is he under unusual stress - family, work? There is some chance of a physical illness - any other changes in behavior or energy?

It is possible he is bored because things have become routine. It is easy for couples to find things they like, and then fall into a pattern of always doing the same things. Can you talk to him to find out what he would like? Are there things you would like that you don't do? If need ideas, just browse some of the other discussion groups here, or get a book (I'm old, so I remember the "joy of sex", but there must be newer things out there now).

I understand and sympathize - I am in one of these long term mis-matched relationships - it is miserable.

**misskitty3** · 12-28-2007 12:08 PM

thanks for responding.

this is the first time that this has happened and i guess now we're going on four weeks. which stinks cause i'll get my period soon and then it's another week or so without.

he said that he would like me to wear more "outfits with heels" which is fine with me since i just ordered the $300 worth of stuff.

he's not under any stress that i know of, he just finished his semester at school with good grades and he doesn't work. we'll see about his health cause he just got a physical two days ago.

its just that i've always thought him to be ready to go at any time since for the past 6 years it has been this way. he said, i'm almost 30 i won't be able to do it all the time... yeah right....then stop watching your porn. he said that he doesn't watch it all the time and i know that's not true cause there are signs and a wife always knows.

i'm sorry you are mismatched...i have had that before with men and i didn't like it either. hope things get better for you. i will dig into some of the sex related posts for ideas, thanks for the suggestion.

**rcoreyus** · 12-28-2007 12:28 PM

I didn't realize he was watching porn. I have no problem wth porn as such - but if he is ignoring you and watching porn that is a different matter entirely. I had not realized that this happened until I joined the forum. Had always assumed that men watched porn when their SO was not available, not that they might prefere it to their SO.

I don't know if porn is a major part of the problem in your case. If so, there are a zillion posts discussing this - but no clear suggestions.

**misskitty3** · 12-28-2007 12:47 PM

i don't mind the porn either except in the circumstance you have stated. i asked him about it. i said, why are you not in the mood for your wife to perform oral on you, but you are in the mood to watch porn every day? he said that he doesn't watch it that often then dodged the intial question....

maybe we should both watch the porn?

**rcoreyus** · 12-28-2007 04:05 PM

Originally Posted by misskitty3

i don't mind the porn either except in the circumstance you have stated. i asked him about it. i said, why are you not in the mood for your wife to perform oral on you, but you are in the mood to watch porn every day? he said that he doesn't watch it that often then dodged the intial question....

maybe we should both watch the porn?

You could try watching together - don't know if that would help. I know it happens, but I just can't understand how a man could prefer porn to the woman he loves. (I'm a man). Here I literally mean "can't understand", I'm not condemning, I just don't get it.

**Dragonfly** · 12-28-2007 05:37 PM

I would also buy some sex toys. Use them on eachother while you watch porn together. That will turn him on. If that does not work - I don't know what to do.

**misskitty3** · 01-02-2008 08:28 AM

thanks, i was going to buy some anyway cause i might have to if this problem doesn't clear up soon!

i started to recieve some of the lingere i bought online, and i'm liking it! i am still waiting to show him until the right outfit comes in, but i'm hoping it'll work!

thanks for the advice. things are getting better emotionally, where i don't feel like the problem, but time will tell on the action!

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