Thread: Disturbed by Photos on Computer

Originally Posted by octobersunset

HI Ladies. I know this topic has been posted (about Porn) many times at the boards, however mine differs from most of the others.

I consider myself quite sexually open to a lot of things including porn. My fiancee and I downloaded porn together on the computer a few months ago. I have no problem with a "once in awhile" peek at stuff. I understand males need their fix or whatever. We have good sex, often enough, so nothing wrong there.

Well, to my disbelief, I just found out from the "Internet History" that he has been visiting one particular porn site every single day for the past 2-3 months. It's a porn site where anyone can join / upload and view galleries. My trouble is that there are 5-6 members he views daily, and my mind is still wandering on whether or not he has been in touch with them for one reason or another (they have PM'ing).

After more exploring on the computer, I find illegally downloaded pictures in our Download Folder. They are photos of very young girls (my guess is 12 - 16 years old) in various poses - however still fully clothed.

When I approached him about all of the above, he was embarassed, guilty and almost in tears. I didn't freak out about it, however I simply asked him why would you keep this from me? His answer is "I don't know" - and it was his answer for a lot of the questions I had for him, including the photos found on the computer.

What bugs me is this is almost child porn. He is a 32 year old man, looking at 12 - 16 year olds? He says he has "no idea where they came from" and "did not download them". Meanwhile - the daily members he visits have the same galleries of the these young "Teen" girls - same pictures found on my computer.

What is going on here? Do I have a serious issue? Is he addicted to sex / porn?

Apparently he will stop immediately, and he doesn't "need" to do it anymore. In his words - it's become a habit. He said he would get help if needed. (this also concerns me that he says he needs help! Does this means he knows he has a serious problem?)

Also a few months ago, I found 8-10 pictures on his phone of porn shots too. Maybe irrelevant, because when I confronted him with this, he also said "no idea" where they came from, and then a day later said some friend sent them to him.

Wow. I'm sorry you are going through all this. It seems you all can communicate though and you did the right thing to confront him without demeaning him. He will open up more if you seem like you want to help him. He did not tell you because he was ashamed and embaressed. He could have looked at girls without the clothes (not that that's better) but he didn't. Maybe he was rationalizing that he wasn't really doing anything wrong. If he's looking that means he's interested. He needs to talk to a therapist and completely give up the whole "porn" thing. It's not good for him. He may end up trying to actually sleep with a young girl and end up in a lot of trouble.

Saying he "doesn't need to do it anymore" is a HUGE addiction flag to me. If he really wants to stop, then it's going to take more than his willpower ... it's going to take lots of support from you.
That's if he WANTS to.
He's your fiancé, not your child, and you shouldn't have to treat him that way ... is what one would think if he were healthy, but it really sounds like he has an addiction. You may have to treat him like a child, take away his "liberties," etc until you can be sure he's clean.
Those "teen" girls are supposed to be 18-19-year-olds, legal but still technically "teenaged," and some women really do look younger than they biologically are ... but that doesn't make it okay.
Without looking more into it, I'm not sure how upset you should be about the "5-6 certain members" thing ... I watch porn, and I go to a certain free site like the one you described, and some certain members just know how to make a good video. They basically just "put on a good show." Some get to be sort of "celebrities," to boot.
You might want to go to counseling for this, as it seems really extreme. If there's a church or university near you that you can trust, please see if they have addiction counseling.
I'm not sure if mandating that porn becomes only a "couple" thing would be a good idea, though I'd usually think it a good compromise ... he might not be able to handle that, sad as it might be.
Good luck with everything

Originally Posted by Little

Saying he "doesn't need to do it anymore" is a HUGE addiction flag to me. If he really wants to stop, then it's going to take more than his willpower ... it's going to take lots of support from you.

That's if he WANTS to.

It's funny that you say that because he tells me that he needs a lot of support from me to get over this thing (in which yes he does want to, so he says). I really don't even know what kind of support to give or where to start? I mean, should I drop the whole thing all together and hope that he doesn't look at porn again?

Also - what you mentioned about these teens about supposed to be looking 18 ... no way, these girls are maybe 12 if that. If you google "ff-models.com" (no porn there at all), it takes you to a website of young models. These are the girls I'm talking about (he had multiple pictures of the middle girl on the website there).

Is this seriously child pornography I'm dealing with?

Is this seriously child pornography I'm dealing with?

not necessarily. but what i've learned about porn is that it almost always leads the consumer to desire a bigger shock down the road. for most guys, this translates into a seemless & gradualy turning of sexual interest from beautiful nudes, to hardcore sex, to anal sex, to gangbangs, to sadistic sex, sex with very young girls, etc. not necessarily in that order - i'm just saying that porn, by design, provides a shock to his sexuality, a buzz. his body is designed to accomodate taht shock by building tolerance. the porn industry understands this better than any of us do - and is developed with your fiance's growing desires in mind, always presenting something new & more shocking with the hopes it might grab hold.

if you take some time & surf the internet's most prevalant free galleries, you'll find they offer hundreds of variations. you can click on a sexual interest, from blowjobs to peeing, and the galleries, movie clips or pictures, have been categorized together. many sites offer you the ability to search their galleries using multiple tags - young, 18 year old, ponytail, blowjob, gagging. and you'll get whatever galleries have young ponytailed blonds choking on a guy's penis.

lots of guys stumble into these free sites without actually searching for anything specific - and they get the main page, which is a compiling of all kinds of things from all over their site. this is how some guys get interested in something specific. they've been consuming "harmless" porn for years, and suddenly they are confronted with 3 video clips of a very young girl. she's probably 18, but looks 14 - probably on purpose.

next thing he's searching for more like that. it's new, it's exciting, it's anonymous.

is he a pedophile? probably not. but most pedophiles were lead down the road to pedophelia gradually. and the first step could have been an interest in penthouse.

I mean, should I drop the whole thing all together and hope that he doesn't look at porn again?

no.

he will look at it again. and it sounds like he doesn't want to. most guys who are addicted to porn & in a serious relationship are frightened by their lack of control over this part of their lives. in the heat of arousal, they feel in control & enjoy the exhilaration of pursuing thrilling, dirty porn. but after they've satisfied the itch there's often a deep sorrow, regret, and fear.

most porn addiction is a response to a psychological problem. i'm not suggesting your fiance's psychotic. i'm just saying that usually a porn addict is self medicating something, sometimes someting they aren't aware of.

i would bet that if the two of you sought counseling together - even if he did it alone - he would uncover some interesting things about himself, his relationship to either or both parents. and i bet he'd find his obsession with porn really has little to do with his sexuality.

I think some men are attracted to child (real or dressed up adults) porn simply because it is forbidden. I'm not saying it is OK, just that he might not really have any sexual attraction to children, just to forbidden things.

BTW: some women, especially asian women can look VERY young. I was in Japan with some friends on one occasion and we honestly couldn't tell if the girls we were seeing on the street were 12 or 20.

Originally Posted by octobersunset

What bugs me is this is almost child porn. He is a 32 year old man, looking at 12 - 16 year olds? He says he has "no idea where they came from" and "did not download them". Meanwhile - the daily members he visits have the same galleries of the these young "Teen" girls - same pictures found on my computer.

Apparently he will stop immediately, and he doesn't "need" to do it anymore. In his words - it's become a habit. He said he would get help if needed. (this also concerns me that he says he needs help! Does this means he knows he has a serious problem?)

Most of the other women who have posted issues about porn said their SO freaked out or whatever, but my fiancee was pretty calm about the whole thing. He knows he lied and he's fessing up to it. But once a porn addict, always a porn addict??

Also a few months ago, I found 8-10 pictures on his phone of porn shots too. Maybe all of this all ties in too. Again when I confronted him with this, he also said "no idea" where they came from, and then a day later said some friend sent them to him.

What is going on here? Any input would be appreciated.

just a couple more thoughts after re-reading your post...

porn is a shameful activity for a man. it's common to deny it when confronted, even if denying it makes no sense, because he just wants it to go away. i'm sure he knows where they came from. the next most common strategy to cool the heat off is to say something like, "i was just curious, i've never done it before."

but it's important for you to know why that's so common. it's not just that he doesn't want to be in trouble with you. there's an underlying fear that drives this response - and often is at the root of porn addiction. the fear is that he is unlovable. more specifically, that if you see him for who he really is, you won't accept him.

most men spend the majority of their formative years devising ways to accentuate their strengths & hide their weaknesses. unfortunately, what we often bring to our spouse is a creation of ourselves that we think will be most favorable. all kinds of things can go wrong in childhood to make that even worse.

porn is so deadly to a guy in that state because it offers:
1. unconditional acceptance - or the appearance of acceptance. he can bring himself - with no cover up, no polish, his most deviant desires unashemed - to porn and receive absolute gratification. emotionally, this transaltes into confirmation, or validation, of who he is.

2. an escape - or the appearance of one. porn, by design, offers isolation. guys exhaust themselves hiding it, covering it up, lying about it - anything to conceal it. then, because they are afraid of their spouse knowing about it (or knowing about his desires), they go to great lengths to get alone to engage in it. it thrives in secrecy & alienation from the ones who care about him. in order to indulge, he turns away from his meaningful relationships & embraces a world of images & people who care nothing about him.

now, back to why it's important for you -

odds are that he's mortified that you have uncovered that he's getting off looking at pictures of little girls. your reaction will either challenge or affirm the very lie that brought him to porn in the first place: she won't love me if she sees the real me. porn offered him a safe shelter where he could reveal any ugliness inside of him & be met with satisfaction, gratification, and validation.

his relationship to you is another matter. is he safe to be naked in your relationship? that is, to drop whatever he's using to cover whatever he thinks you'll think is ugly? probably not.

and that's OK. he shouldn't feel comfortable to direct his desires to little girls & think you'll be OK with it. it's fine for you to not be OK with that.

but are you willing to see this wart, to see that he has a problem, and partner together with him to fix it? or will you need him to cover it up so you can love who you thought he was again?

i'm not condemning you with these questions - just giving you some thoughts. i would imagine he wants to not have this problem. but he may need you to accept him then work with him before he'll be able to get past it.

yours is a tough position. you don't want your SO to like to look at this stuff. that's fine. you're not a bad person for that. and you'll need to express that - you'll need to get angry about it. and that's OK too.

but you'll also have to be careful taht you don't make him feel like a freak, like a hopeless, disgusting pervert. that will just make him start hiding it all & be that much more careful not to ever let you see it again.

lotta words - i'll stop now.