Thread: I need some help.

By the way, he is a great guy. He does respect me and I know that he's been faithful. If I get mad at him or he does something I don't like, it makes him cry. When I confronted him about it he couldn't speak because he was crying so hard. He said he wouldn't let his friend use the computer anymore for porn and he wasn't going to look at it. Should I believe him or keep an eye on the internet's history?

I wouldn't spy on him. I think most men (and a lot of women) have looked at porn at least once - just to see what the big deal is. Most men are to embarassed to admit it, and will lie to cover it up.

My advice - unless he is a porn addict (which doesn't at all seem to be the case), just drop it.

Another note: confronting someone can produce positive immediate results, but very negative long term results. He may do what you want in the sort term, but develop a deep resentment over the long term. If he associates time with you with being happy, he will never want to leave. If he associates time with you as unpleasant, because he is being corrected, because you are mad, he may some day think it would be different with someone else.

You want him to think of you as the woman he loves, and never wants to leave. Not as the ball and chain that he can't escape.

Thank you. I just wish he would have told me earlier. I've always been open with him and I've always encouraged him to be open with me. We've been able to talk about each other's past sex lives but he wouldn't admit this to me. It's just been on my mind since I've found out. Thank you so much for your help! Any more advice, if you think of more, will always be appreciated.

I'm a man.

Men don't have the same connection between sex and emotion that women do. We can be sexually aroused by someone we don't give a **** about. This is where the problem comes in in being honest about porn with women, because the girl will feel cheated on, like the guy wants to be in a relationship with these other women, whereas in actual fact the guy just wants to mate with them all.. and he most likely wouldn't do that since he'd care for you... It's written into mens DNA to want to mate with multiple women, so when a girl starts hassling her man about watching porn, he's going to deny it because he wants to avoid the 'scene' that she'll create. Something which is completely natural and intrinsic to this guy suddenly creates an irrational bump in the relationship which he'll have to work hard to smooth out - and we'd rather not bother.

Which is why we don't say: Wow, I saw this porn the other day, this beautiful skinny brunette with lovely breats who seemed to love anal sex! It was really hot!

Because you will cry about it, feel inadequate/ugly, insufficient, be angry, accusatory, confrontational, and probably lay a serious guilt trip. All in response to something that goes on in our brain hourly anyway.

Women are also more judgmental about sex than men are, so depending on how comfortable they feel with you they might not want you knowing about more "niche" stuff, for fear of ridicule, disgust, and embarressment.

Watching porn doesn't mean anything, unless it's to the extent that he's not having sex with you in favour of porn. The fact that you've come here to post over such a minor issue about whether he's "normal" makes me think he had good sense to hide it from you .


Oh, I'd say it's a 95% liklihood that it will happen again, and it's something that you'll need to get used to if you want a truthful relationship.


I also think making him cry about something so minor is making you a feared authority figure instead of a trusted companion, as rcoreyus suggested.

What is it with you guys getting upset at being "confronted"? There are different ways to do it, it's not always a woman running up to her man screaming as he puts the key in the door. Sometimes, confrontation starts with, "Honey, I found something that upsets me and I want to talk about it with you." It means "to face in challenge" but it also means "to meet face-to-face."

The fact that he cries doesn't mean she makes him cry - it just to me like he's more emotional than most men.

Ashley's Angel, I wouldn't worry about the porn. There are people very for and against it, as passionate on the issue as if it were abortion. But my personal belief, from an eleven year plus relationship, is this: men are visual and like visual stimulation. Most men also want/need to masturbate along with partner sex. That want and need has nothing to do - most of the time - with their love relationship. I say, let it go. Let him know its not a big deal to you so that he won't feel its something to hide, which I believe then fosters a healthier sex life. My husband has porn, but he doesn't leave it all over the house, for goodness sake! I know he dabbles occasionally and I really don't want to know when or how, because that's private. As long as our sex life is not compromised. I understand you were probably shocked that you didn't know, but I really have never met a man that puts it on the table and says, oh by the way, I like to toss off three or four times a week to porn. But I'd say most of the men I've dated do it.

Originally Posted by LadyLane

What is it with you guys getting upset at being "confronted"? There are different ways to do it, it's not always a woman running up to her man screaming as he puts the key in the door. Sometimes, confrontation starts with, "Honey, I found something that upsets me and I want to talk about it with you." It means "to face in challenge" but it also means "to meet face-to-face."

I agree, discussion is needed about some things, the things which need to be changed. However, a lot of men see these confrontations as "I'm going to change you, whether you want it or not, and I'm going to kick up a fuss until you submit." Personally, I think you should be in a relationship as yourself, and once someone starts trying to stop you from being who you are, perhaps it's not for the best. (probably not the most healthy opinion to have as most/all women strive to change their partners to suit them.

Originally Posted by LadyLane

The fact that he cries doesn't mean she makes him cry - it just to me like he's more emotional than most men.

Yeah, that's true for sure, but it's still an indication of a discussion gone wrong. It sounded like whenever she had a go at him about something he breaks into tears.

Originally Posted by LadyLane

but I really have never met a man that puts it on the table and says, oh by the way, I like to toss off three or four times a week to porn. But I'd say most of the men I've dated do it.

I actually told my current partner after being with her for a few days... Seemed to make sense, I don't like to hide things, or feel like I have to hide them. If she kicked up a fuss, I'd know it wouldn't work out.

Originally Posted by LadyLane

What is it with you guys getting upset at being "confronted"? There are different ways to do it, it's not always a woman running up to her man screaming as he puts the key in the door. Sometimes, confrontation starts with, "Honey, I found something that upsets me and I want to talk about it with you." It means "to face in challenge" but it also means "to meet face-to-face."

My take on it is that men feel they have a duty to protect women in general, and in particular their wife / GF. Where this comes from is some combination of evolution and societal pressure - but in many men it is a very strong compulsion.

So - when their wife / GF is made unhappy by something the man has done, he feels as if he has failed in their duty. Women can use this to have tremendous control over their men - but at a cost. Men will put up with this for a long time (it is their duty after all)- but hate the woman who is controlling them. Eventually they will find a new woman they can "protect". Someone who will not abuse that power.

angel -

it's typical for a guy to become defensive when he's confronted with using porn. we're all taught at an early age that porn is bad. guys learn at an early age to be ashamed of masturbating (many of us have a spine-tingling memory of getting caught at camp or someone walking in on us when we were 12). porn & masturbation go together, and we learn that both need to be hidden.

so guys handle being defensive in different ways - they get angry, aloof, they lie, they deflect the heat from their actions to yours. that's not uncommon.

and anon has a point. he & i differ radically in our understanding of the implications of the use of porn, but i have to agree with a lot of what he has shared here. if you reveal something that for decades has been hidden & shameful, then walk him to the computer & ask him to point out what was arousing to him...

i can't imagine a more uncomfortable scenario for a guy. not saying you're wrong to do that. but let's be honest - how safe does he really feel in that situation. it's not too different from the "does this make me look fat?" question. you really want honesty - but maybe not as much as you want him to desire you above all other women. so when he says you look fat, your need for honesty is overwhelmed by your sorrow that your guy thinks you look fat.

now apply to the porn. you want to know what turns him on about the porn he looked at - but you want to be the one to turn him on, and he's not ****** - he knows that.

anon has another point. what if what he pointed out to you was a girl bound in duct tape? not trying to put ideas in your head, but just be honest. how safe is he to tell you what he liked in porn?

guys don't look at porn for face shots. faces are nice, but there are plenty of them in cosmo, sports illustrated, maxim - guys look at porn for what those publications don't offer. and maybe the face shots were his favorite, but the odds are that if there were other shots around, he liked them just as much, if not better.

also, odds are that he's looked more than twice. most of us have looked more than twice even by accident, and countless more times on purpose.

the fact that he cried to the point that he couldn't speak could indicate that he feels like it may be a problem, that he's ashamed of it. his saying that he's only seen it twice & that he just liked the faces sounds more like he's trying to downplay it for you so it will hit you less hard.

it reminds me of the time my father found a pack of cigarettes in my jeans pocket. i was maybe 13. he asked me about them & i said what any kid would say, "oh, those aren't mine."

you don't even think it through. you just deflect the heat. make it go away.

so you've asked a question: "Should I believe him or keep an eye on the internet's history?"

well, neither - and both. should you believe him? of course, but don't be foolish. take into account the nature of your questions, the environment you've given him. if you constantly second-guess him, you'll breed an atmosphere of anger & bitterness. a battlefield.

but if he tells you he's only seen it 2 times - & those 2 times were just because his friend made him do it...

what about checking his history? there's a fine line between sharing your life with someone & being controlled by spying. you shouldn't feel the need to check up on him - to the same degree that he shouldn't care if you do. there shouldn't be anything (unless he's shopping for a surprise for you online) in his history that he wouldn't mind you knowing about, if you guys are getting married.

but if you regularly check his history, secretly, & then ask him questions as though you hadn't (to trap him) - he'll feel like he's in a little tiny box. smothered.

some guys want the accountability. it's a great way for lots of men to avoid looking at porn, just knowing their wife will see it.

does he want help? honestly, if he's only looked twice & vows to never look again - then he doesn't need acountability. if he does want the accountability, then offer it - but be careful not to judge him or attack him if he slips. that will just drive him into deeper, more careful dishonesty.

i just want to offer one last remark - regarding some things anon said:

"Personally, I think you should be in a relationship as yourself, and once someone starts trying to stop you from being who you are, perhaps it's not for the best. (probably not the most healthy opinion to have as most/all women strive to change their partners to suit them."

there's a difference between "being who you are" and neglecting opportunities to improve. given that you're about to marry, i would hope you & your future husband will see one another as catalysts for that improvement. you don't want to be molded, and you should expect to be loved as you are. but you have weaknesses, and so does he. you both should expect your partner to help strengthen them.

i would advise that anyone who believes they have reached the pinnacle of themselves & resents your wanting to help them improve is a red flag - and someone who won't respond well to marriage. we all have faults & hopefully we want to correct them - we're too anxious, we're too angry, we have bad tempers, etc.

it's not anyone's place to decide for you what is a fault - that's your job. which brings me to anon's next statement:

"The fact that you've come here to post over such a minor issue about whether he's "normal" makes me think he had good sense to hide it from you ."

this is not an attack on anon - nor do i believe he was attacking you. i think he's expressing a popular belief - that porn is no big deal. i just think he's wrong.

i think it's sadly ironic that he seems to commend your fiance for his good judgement in hiding things from you, and advises you to get used to that behavior if you want a truthful relationhip:

"Oh, I'd say it's a 95% liklihood that it will happen again, and it's something that you'll need to get used to if you want a truthful relationship."

it's interesting to me that a husband's dishonesty in pursuing porn would be understandable, but a wife's expectation that he disclose it would not. it's the most immature perspective i can imagine in a marriage - not very far removed from the wife beater who says it's his wife's fault because she just makes him so mad he loses control.

you can expect responsible behavior from your husband - and you can expect him to avoid porn. it is NOT alright for his response to be to do it anyway & hide it - and if he does hide it, you aren't responsible for that, he is. you can make honesty easier for him, and you should. but ultimately, dishonesty is detrimental to a marriage - and his hiding porn, regardless of your demeanor when you confront him, is a bad choice.

your decision to confront him on his use of porn is not.