Thread: husband looks at porn and i want divorce

Fight fair. Divorce him if that's what you want to do, but later you won't feel so good about the things you want to do in order to get revenge right now.
Every military man is not this way, but unfortunately, some are.
Some people don't find a problem with porn. Others do, and it obviously really tore you up when you found out he looked at it. I would say you should try counseling first (it will be hard to support five children alone, even with child support ... if your husband's enlisted, I'm surprised he can support you all living with him, much less if you were working on child support alone!) But if you feel so strongly, and he won't change, you'll do what you have to do.
Good luck with your decision.

Ouch!

Divorce just because he looked at porn? wow!

Seems like an aweful drastic measure.

I would recommend talking it out, and explain to him how that this really hurts you.

Jumping to divorce is quite a leap. People have affairs and are sometimes able to work things out. I would think this is a workable situtation. If he is refusing to stop, knowing that it hurts you, perhaps a marriage couselor would be the way to go.

Oh my god... When I read your post I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

For full opinions on the subject of pornography read the other threads in this board, I have written extensively in them and don't much care to repeat myself.

Anyway, every man in the world will have a thought or two about different women - it's the nature of the differences between genders.

If you're willing to throw away a family, cause another of your children to have a dysfunctional father relationship over the sake of something like this, I question if your religious views are damaging your children. Well, I'm sure that once you've got rid of him with half of his money and child support you can you can move your family on to the next man, another christian man who will also think of other women.

Well, go ahead, it doesn't sound like your relationship is worth a ****, and it doesn't look like your children could learn about a healthy relationship from you two anyway even if you stayed together.

Also, if you use your child as a weapon against him you are disgraceful - and from my point of view, it's you who's tearing the relationship apart.

As for videotaping the computer - hahaha.

This isn't to say that this didn't warrent a discussion, but you've gone completely over the top, with terrible consequences.

But, I suppose, in the long run, he will be better off on his own. Good luck finding another man to look after other peoples children.

And I know the church doesn't condone contraception but ****...

I'm just going to look at the practical side of this: It will be difficult to find a man you can be sure will not look at porn. Even if you get a divorce, how will you know the next man will not do the same thing? Many men look at porn, whatever they may say.

You have 5 kids. They are your top priority. A divorce will hurt them.

You have a few choices:

1) Be a christian. Forgive your husband for what he has done. AND forgive him if he does it again. If he is too weak to resist sin, then make him stronger. Remember the "for better or for worse" oath you swore before god. Well, this is the "worse", but not the "worst".

2) Be practical: The porn is only hurting your feelings. Its bad - but not that bad. These discussion groups are filled with women whose husbands cheat on them, hit them, rape them. Put your pain in perspective. If it were just you - the porn offends you, so leave him. But - you have 5 children, you don't have the freedom to be offended.

3) Think - really think - why does the porn bother you. What is so bad that you will risk your children for it?

I keep mentioning children, because to me your duty to your children transcends all others. When you decided to have a child, you decided to have complete responsibility for another human being - for at least 18 years, and somewhat for the rest of your life. Go to counseling, have a positive talk with your husband - but above all PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN! The porn will not hurt them, but your reaction to it, and to him will.

sick&tired,

my comments won't come as a surprise to any of the folks in this thread - nor have theirs to me. i do think that what we're seeing is your emotional response to being hurt - and it's probably not very different from the response any of us would have.

i would encourage you to leave divorce as a last resort. it always - always - leaves scars, even when it's necessary. it is a surgical procedure, a tearing apart of two that have become one (figuratively). and even when it brings relief (just like with a procedure to remove a tumor), it also brings pain & damage.

just hold off on that until you have absolutely no options - just my advice.

one thing that gives me hope in your post is your husband's reaction. it appears that he bypassed being defensive - which is the first & most typical reaction - and was broken. i think that's a very good sign. i understand it doesn't change how you feel about the porn.

there are two very different attitudes regarding porn - one (the most prevalent here) will tell you it's a pretty harmless problem, if it's even a problem at all. put it in perspective (he's not cheating or breaking bottles on your face) & get over it. all men do it anyway.

i don't mean to offend anyone who's posted here already - i really don't - but i have to tell you that i'm convinced that one reason you'll get that advice from a lot of people is because they use porn, and by giving you that advice they are affirming themselves in their own porn habit (how can i advise you otherwise, if i use it myself?).

that may not be anyone here - i don't want to start a war. i can respect everyone's comments here, even anon's - which i think are ludicrous (anon, would you expect anything else...).

so the other perspective is that porn can entangle a guy & quickly progress from a habit to a compulsion. it involves powerful chemical responses in the brain & appeals to our strongest, sometimes undeniable, desires. it's a highly addictive substance that threatens to destroy families - as it is currently doing in yours.

so many people explain it away as your problem - the only reason it's hurting your family is that you (the wife) are being silly about it. if you'd get over it, there would be no problem. if you haven't read that yet here, i'd bet my legs you've been told that by someone you've talked with in person.

that's utter bullsh*t.

based on what you've shared, i would suggest that your husband has a problem with his use of porn. it would be odd for a guy, the night after he spent an exhausting marathon of fighting & healing with his wife - and when he needed to be studying for a career-impacting exam, to be getting off on porn all night. that's odd - if he's not addicted to porn.

if porn has a hold on him, however, that's very normal behavior. in fact, times of extreme stress are exactly when a compulsive porn user will seek out opportunities to engage with porn.

you're very angry in this post - understandably. but when you're not quite as angry, consider this:

if your husband has a problem with porn, or with anything for that matter, it's a problem you need to help him with. little's advice to seek counseling is key, for at least 2 reasons.

one, your husband will need extensive help to go through the process, recignizing his addiction & how it impacts his relationship to you - and most importantly, what is driving his compulsion to use porn. it is very rarely about sex. it usually is rooted in a problem he doesn't even know he has.

second, you will need help to temper the normal feelings of anger & victimization you have with your responsibility to actively love your husband through the problem. at times it can be like a wife who's husband is an alcoholic. she goes through bitterness because her life has to change - she can no longer enjoy alcohol in moderation - because of her husband's shortcomings.

same will be true for you here - why should i have to go through all this pain & expense (counselors aren't free - or cheap) just because my husband has a problem??

well, because you've pledged your life to him - and situations just like this are what separate marriages from other relationships. you don't need to vow anything to stick with him when things are good. it is now that you need to put your money where your mouth is, and love him when you don't feel love for him.

i know what you're probably thinking - what about him, he didn't do this for me? wasn't he supposed to honor me by not looking at porn? sure. you're right.

and it has no bearing on your responsibility to him. that's what makes it so hard. marriage is not for pu*sies. it takes more strength & courage than most people are willing to consider. you have a right to be angry. now you have to lay that right down.

many men who are addicted to porn are light years from being where your husband is - they're so defensive & blinded by the lies they've heard about porn being normal & harmless & so entangled that they can't begin to break over the issue.

you do have the benefit of a guy who's broken & is probably in good position to be helped. he doesn't want to lose you or his family - and i would bet he doesn't want to want to look at porn. to whatever degree, he may not have any idea how to go about dealing with it.

i wouldn't jump too soon to conclude that the suicide comment was an intended shot at you. a guy who has never understood the true character of porn and it's impact can find himself losing control. it's confusing & frightening, and it can cause a guy to want to die if he feels hopeless.

i'd love to continue this - you respond & let me know. i have much more to say about it & i would love to help you.

your marriage can get past this -

On thing I forgot to mention. Don't take the sucide comment lightly. If he thinks he has ruined his marriage, and destroyed his childrens lives (due to a likely divorce), he may think that suicide is a reasonable response.

Maybe he is addicted to porn and can't help himself. Suicide might seem a logical response.

Rcoreyus, you're right. I forgot to address that in my post. No suicide threat should ever be taken lightly.
However, suicide threats are also a symptom of a controlling partner.
You never know what someone else is really going to do. If you put him through the wringer and he really does kill himself, what are you going to do? Even at the most utilitarian level, you've killed off your only current means of financial support. Not to mention the man you married, and though you're angry with him, hopefully you still love him.
I don't know what the Bible says about thinking about other women. I don't even know for sure what it says about marriage. But I know it talks extensively about forgiving others. Think hard before you decide what to do; take time to calm down and let us know how it goes.

little's right on point -

the bible lays it on about forgiving with as much passion as it does lusting for other women.

to answer your question, it says if a guy lusts for someone he has already committed adultery. it lists sexual immorality as a characteristic of those who will not inherit the kingdon of God.

but remember it is also full of stories about guys who fell in that area - sometimes abominably - and were restored. david & bathsheba being probably the most powerful of them.

Originally Posted by sickandtired

i was a young widow with 2 kids when I met this husband and we now have 3 more kids. This past weekend we had another huge fight but stayed up all night Saturday and were on a brand new start. Well, I found out last night that Sunday night after my military husband said he had to stay up late studying for upcoming rank test next month that he looked at these disgusting porn videos. It's more upsetting because we stayed up till 3am talking everything out and then the next day he's doing that? I hate him. there's no forgiving it. Life is too short. I know there are a few decent, honest, christian men who do believe that lusting after another women is wrong. I confronted him last night when he got in from work. I feel stuck because I didn't work before I met him and now I have 5 kids. I gave up my widow benefits to marry him and now I don't know if I can get that back. He's in the military and only goes on short trips once in a while but I can never trust him. What kind of marriage could we have? He was crying and saying he didn't want to lose us. He brought up suicide in conversation as if to make me feel bad. I'm not going to feel sorry he's in pain. He did this to us, not me. I told him he killed our relationship. We've had many many conversations about Loraina bobbit and he has said he knows better than to do anything because I would find out and then he wouldn't be able to sleep. He says this isn't cheating. But doesn't the bible say somewhere that even lustful thoughts about another women are bad? He says he didn't masturbate that he just watched it. He says the video came up when he keyed in some video music name. but he did watch it and he watched many others. I went to every site he did and videotaped it with our camera before the history clears. He kept asking how to make it right and I should forgive him. Never. Ever. And if he doesn't make rank I told him I will blame him for looking at porn when he said he was studying for his test. If I had a job, I would be gone. I left the phone book open to the divorce lawyers today. And I put a suitcase by the door for when he gets in from work. I know he won't go but at least he really thinks he's messed up. I left today while he was getting ready for work and he kept asking over and over where I was going. He's so scared I'm going to a lawyer and taking his babies away. I told him last night, he tore the family apart, not me. he actually told me last night for us to try for another baby. I told him I will have another baby one day but with someone I can trust, who is a christian and won't lust after other women. He said the reason he looked at the site was because I had threatened to buy a vibrater because we go so long without sex. he's only 35 and has the lowest sex drive. I've wondered if he was gay. He says it's the same thing if i got a vibrater as it was for him to look at the videos. I said not so because I would be thinking of him, not looking at naked guys online. He's got his hand so why shouldn't I have something? I think to get him back, I will have some naked guy pictures pulled up on the computer when he comes home so he thinks I've been looking at them all night. He is so jealous he will hate that I looked at another naked guy. Oh, well, he started it. I'm finishing it.

I know that you are hurt and very upset because you feel betrayed.

Give yourself a chance to cool down before making any major decisions.
Give your marriage and your children a chance by trying another approach first. If he's sincere in wanting to make things better come up with some rules. See if he can just give up the computer for awhile to get himself together. See a family counselor. You meet him half way and give up your toy for him. I don't think he really has a low sex drive, I think he's using it all up on watching the porn and getting off and nothing's left for you. I know you feel that you could probably make it OK with 5 kids, but believe me they need BOTH of you.