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Silver Contributor 100+ Posts
Is he too controlling?
I've talked to a lot of friends and family about my relationship with my husband, but I feel like I need more advice. I have been married for a bit over 3 years. I will try to make this as short as possible.
I feel as though my husband has a control issue. I will give some recent examples or ones that stick out in my head. On New Years Eve, I was invited to spend it at my sister's place. My husband went somewhere else instead of coming with me. I wasn't going to break my plans because he was being ridiculous about it, so I went. He later came to the party to come and get me at around 2am, saying I was out far too late and should have been home at midnight. I'm 24, midnight is early for me! Plus it was New Years Eve. He took me from the party and made me go home. He then gave me a curfew.
I called him from the mall last week to ask if I could get a cell phone share plan with my sister. He said, "Do what you want to do", so I got the plan. I got home later, and he flipped out about it. He had changed his mind. After hours of fighting, he said I had to take the phones back. He wasn't going to change his mind for me, because he feels cell phones plans are ******, I can't have one.
I play video games once in a while. I play an online game, but not excessively. I am in college, and getting straight A's, so obviously it's not a problem. I also don't neglect him for it. I only play when he's not home, or sleeping (he works early). This has been a cause of many fights. He thinks it's ****** to pay monthly for a game, but I am paying for it. I work, too. But because he thinks it's ******, I have to bend at his will and probably cancel it next time he brings it up.
It also wasn't until after we were married that he said he only wanted 2 children. He knew I wanted 3. He won't compromise for me. He says he will get a vasectomy after our second child (we don't have children yet), even though I so badly want 3.
He also has anger problems. If I don't bend as his will, he threatens divorce and/or yells at me until I cry.
Am I in an abusive relationship?
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Silver Contributor 100+ Posts
For some reason the word s-t-u-p-i-d was starred out. That's the word the *****'s are supposed to be.
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May 2008 "Poster of the Month"
I'm a guy:
I don't think you should have to put up with this, your freedom shouldn't be infringed by anyone. I'd dump a girl who started trying to control my life - tell me where and when I could go... The curfew is just ridiculous, and he has no right to tell you what to do as a hobby.
My personal opinion: he sounds like a bumhole, leave him.
But I appreciate that many women get into this sort of situation, and then just put up with it... I honestly don't see how things ever get this far - why do women ever say "I do" to this sort of person? It's absolutely crazy.
So bottom line: if you're one of the women that doesn't mind/kinda likes to be downtrodden, told what to do, and completely dominated, then you're in the right relationship - otherwise you should really be looking to bring up your 3 kids with a better father.
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Administrator
Google the signs of an abusive relationship.
Is there such thing as "too" controlling? In a loving relationship, "control" shouldn't be much of an issue. One person trusts the other.
How is your husband able to communicate with you all day without a cellphone? And how are you able to talk to your friends? I don't understand that.
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WH Super Moderator
I think you already know the answer but I will give my two cents anyway.
PLEASE DO NOT have children with this man! Since when do you have to ask for permission to play a video game or go to a New Year's party? It sounds like to me that he is slowly cutting you off from the outside world. That's how it begins and pretty soon you are not allowed to work, then not allowed to visit with your girlfriends (I'm assuming you are already not allowed to have male friends).
If after 3 short years he's already this dominate and controlling (and angry) imagine what he'll be like in 10, 20 and 30 years.
It also sounds like you are scared of him.
My advice, leave him. Begin now, these things can really drag on especially with someone who is an abuser and controlling. You are young, you'll meet someone else to settle down with and have your three kids.
What do your friends and family say about him?
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March 2008 "Poster of the Month"
You are in an abusive relationship.
He is your husband, not your father, he has no right to give your curfews, or tell you not to play video games, or complain about your grades.
Please DO NOT have children with him - it will leave you hostage to him for ever.
Get out. There is simply no reason to put up with this sort of treatment. It is not normal, there are lots of very nice reasonable loving men out there.
I get so angry when I hear these stories. There are so many nice men whose only fault is being a bit shy, who can't find reasonable relationships, and there are nice women living with complete #**(## who treat them terribly.
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WH Super Moderator
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Silver Contributor 100+ Posts
Yes, you're in an abusive relationship. Anyone who tries to exert control over the person they are supposed to love above all others and treat as their equal in the relationship is looking to be obeyed. And slavery has been abolished.
Its a tricky thing - some guys change after they're married; after they've "got" you.
You're 24 and he's treating you as though you're 14. Next time he threatens divorce when you won't "bend at his will"? Tell him to go ahead.
Try to keep a log of dates and times when he's been controlling or yelling at you, and describe what he's done. In case you get a divorce, they'll help your lawyer.
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Junior Member
Honey, you are 24. I am 48. It never gets any better I can assure you. I am desperately trying to find myself again after 20 years of marriage and 3 kids. Please re-evaluate your situation and find your own happiness now while it is not too late. Just my 2 cents.
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Member
Believe me, I was married to the same kind of guy. You are DEFINETELY in an abusive relationship!!!!
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