Update after counseling

C · 02-27-2008 04:12 PM

Only when you have lived in a house with a controling parent do you appreciate the graveness of this situation. My Mother took it for years. We children suffered. I saw her thrown across the kitchen floor but his control of her held her close to home. Divorce was a dreaded word then but never did she think of the we went through even as children...A person who controls can be very unstable and getting them mad and more manipulative creates a bigger disaster......You know I was just thinking...I slept with a knife under my pillow until I moved out and got married.....

Anyone who lives in this must escape....You only live once...

**FedUp7777** · 02-27-2008 05:44 PM

Does he think that you are just supposed to get over years of hurt in just a few days and a few good deeds?

IF you get over it at all it will take a loooong time, I honestly doubt you will.

Actually he did ask me how much time I thought it would take to trust him again and be sexually attracted to him again and love him again. I said I put up with 20 years of inner pain. I may need 20 years to heal. He said well that settles that. We will just give up everything and get a divorce, I do not want to wait more than a couple months. My answer was 'ok' and he was not happy. Then he went on to more threats. I have a close friend who once said to me, "he is willing to give up 20 years of marriage because you need a few months to get over this stuff. Guess the 20 years mean nothing to him". That helped to put it all in perspective for me.

I'm worried that all of the concern that he suddenly has for your supposed happiness will lead to him snap some day soon. [COLOR=blue! important][FONT=verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif][COLOR=blue! important][FONT=verdana, geneva, lucida, 'lucida grande', arial, helvetica, sans-serif]Counseling[/FONT][/FONT][/COLOR][/COLOR] takes a lot of time and effort...but that's time in which he can continue to manipulate you. He knows what he's doing. I can't offer advice, I just hope that you can stay strong for yourself and your children and that you can get yourself out of there.

He has not even entered counseling yet for this. We went to a couple marriage counseling sessions. He starts his own therapy next week... with the same therapist we saw for marriage counseling.

Divorce is hard thing to go through even when you have no feelings left but you will come out of it a new person in the end.

I am already dreaming of waking up in my own place soon, no one to worry about upsetting or angering, no one asking what I am doing, no one asking me where I'm going, no one telling me what to do next..... I yearn for inner peace. I guess that tells all now doesn't it? I didn't fully realize the oppressiveness until he took all 3 kids on fall break last Oct for 9 days. I love my kids and I missed them a little, they are all teenagers so it was nice to have a break from their demands to. But it was sooooo nice to not face him daily with all the questions and pulling every thought out of my head. That started the ball rolling in my head that things really are not right!

C · 02-27-2008 06:01 PM

Make sure who you see for help has some college degree. There are too many mail order Conselors nowaday who learn by books and videos. This same thing is true of Sex Therapists....Get references....Believe me I know what I am saying on this....When someone has on their wall that they gradulated from Joe Doaks College and you never heard of it check on it....It is your life that they are controlling....This is something that everyone should remember.

**rcoreyus** · 02-28-2008 02:05 PM

Originally Posted by FedUp7777

.
I had told him over and over I wanted out of the marriage. Now he's attempting to threaten me with that? I told him the threats were going over my head because I already wanted that. He picked at everything he thought would make me back down including that we have to tell the kids immediately, knowing I wanted to wait for a few weeks because my son is about the graduate and I thought we could let him get through school before hitting him with it.

He is essentially threatening the kids. What ever else is going on, that is beyond the pale - leave now.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-09-2008 12:39 AM

Originally Posted by Little

If he likes controlling a woman, let him find a woman who likes to be controlled.
Granted, it would be irresponsible of a psychologist to deny your husband's needs in this relationship. For all she knows by now, you could secretly be an awful spouse and she hasn't figured it out yet. See it from her perspective ...
But also be sensible. She may be a professional, but she doesn't know you yet. So if her advice seems wacky, you might still want to try it for a while ... but you may also decide that it just isn't going to work.

I have been brave enough to share my story, just posted, and i ask that you read it.

Mine was a "hidden control" abuse.

At the end, i hid in a shell, when out of the blue, he would start with the eyes, talk in a low tone, strong, but not loud so neighbours couldn't hear. and say things like " why didn't you start the washing cycle, you did it deliberately didn't you" huff and puff, i started to gain fear.

I caught him dialing abuse line for 20 minutes and when i comfronted him he said he told them i hit him with a frypan?

But, actually i was cooking and he grabbed both my wrists and said, your not cooking, your too drunk and he wouldn't let go, so i riggled my way free.

I saw a letter, that he wrote, saying he was cooking, i came home from work and said " i'm not eating that s....t" and hit him with a frypan.

I then knew that any abuse, any control, hold, a man has, to that extent, get out of there, before it's too late.

Funny Little, he refused councelling. He claimed he'd been there with the other girls, why then should he go with me... But i now imagine, the truth would have come out and he was gaining ammunition for divorce, yet to go through.....

But irrespective, i also agree with Little, had i gone, she doesn't know me, she will give "text book advice" or what she sees at the time....

DON'T take any form of abuse... Just dont.

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