Married and lacking sex drive, been there?

**seeking32** · 03-22-2008 09:56 AM

Please help!!! I'm 32 years old and I've been married for 4 years now. My husband and I have become complete opposites pertaining to sex. Almost three years ago he confessed to cheating, and our sex life has tremendously deminished since that revelation. Even though I think I forgive him, I just am no longer turned on by him or sexual contact for that matter. Is this normal considering it's been three years later? I am seeking all suggestions so that "infidelity" doesn't strike my home again. Is it mental bondage? I ask that because even if I try to masturbate, I have no sensation or urge. Is there anyone who has experienced the same circumstance and was able to restore from it?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-22-2008 12:17 PM

Originally Posted by seeking32

Please help!!! I'm 32 years old and I've been married for 4 years now. My husband and I have become complete opposites pertaining to sex. Almost three years ago he confessed to cheating, and our sex life has tremendously deminished since that revelation. Even though I think I forgive him, I just am no longer turned on by him or sexual contact for that matter. Is this normal considering it's been three years later? I am seeking all suggestions so that "infidelity" doesn't strike my home again. Is it mental bondage? I ask that because even if I try to masturbate, I have no sensation or urge. Is there anyone who has experienced the same circumstance and was able to restore from it?

I think it's hard for a woman to fathum any form or cheating at any stage of a relationship.

I am not sure what prompted him to "tell you" did it eat at him where by he had to, or was it more of a situation where "he had to"..

Either way, only married for 12 months you would still be fresh in a honeymoon stage and it would have been absolutely devastating to learn. It's a picture in your mind that can't go away.

I don't believe women can justify a man's action in this regard at such a young age of marriage as there should be no reason unless he wanted to be married, but wasn't ready for that committment and after the incident realised what he had, no longer the batchelor. It may have posed for you to wonder if he had done so whilst you were engaged, or girlfriend and boyfriend as well. It is not a thing that you can switch of from regardless of the questions and answers you received, it lurks as the trust is broken.

I believe that it is completely normal, time has no factor the trust has been broken and to re-gain that may never happen. Some women will say they will forgive and get on with it because of the love that they have, but that could also be that the bond and trust has built up over the years so strongly and those years are from teens to some 20 years on or more. For you, 1st year of marriage is a question you may be having trouble getting over, it would be to me.

It would be like a part of you died and you live with the belief of what if you let go and re-build that trust and 4 years later, you catch him out as it happens again, this time because you had difficutly dealing with it, and rightly so, so he had "in his mind" no choice as your sexual relationship had deteriated. It is on your mind now for the past, present and future.

Most will say you deserve respect and love, so move on, the old, the old, once a cheater always a cheater and your young.

But i would say, you can't stay in a loveless relationship either, if all of your questions pertaining to this incident have been answered and established and you know all of the facts and you still feel like this, it will be extremely hard to jump over. If you don't know all the facts, and answers, you would still be questioning so much and need to get all the answers out on the table to then consider further and see where that takes you.

As i said, perhaps he wanted to marry you, you are the love of his life, and therefore told you, but had difficulty breaking the batchelor cycle and has been trying to make up for it ever since, or perhaps not.

None of us can guess the background to this, and you are not asking for a solution rather, "feeling". Of course it's normal for you to feel such pain and hurt.

**macybelle** · 03-22-2008 01:35 PM

I agree with what Chandler's wishes said. You could still feel this way 10 years from now. What you are feeling is normal and hopefully with time it will get easier. He has to understand that what he did just didn't affect him but you mentally, emotionally and sexually. I have heard women say they will forgive but never forget what their husbands did. It's hard to deal with the images and questioning whether this was the only time. You should keep a journal to express your feelings. It may help to let all the hurt and anger flow out of you. I don't believe that once always a cheater but there has to be some major changes to prove that he will never cheat again. I always cheated on my boyfriends when I was younger but I have been a faithful wife for more than 15 years now.
If you really love him and can forgive him you have to work on making things work between you. You might have some deep resentment that you are either afraid to confront him about to avoid more problems or for
fear of him leaving. I think counseling would be very good for you both.
Make sure if you do though that you find someone who has a good reputation. I don't trust all therapists. I hope that nothing I said offended you and that you think about what Chandler said and what I said. I'm very sorry that he did this to you and I wish you the best of luck that things turn around for you.

C · 03-22-2008 02:57 PM

With just about being in this situation I guess I know where you are...I am busy now but will be back on later tonight to give you my honest answer.

C

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-22-2008 03:04 PM

Seeking 32, i read another post that you replied today and i replied to that as well.

I missed in your thread the emphasis on "infidelity" and from reading your other post this is very much effecting you, the notion of the word and meaning.

Apart from what i have written above earlier, this is an area to that you need to look at and try to over come.

Women, always want to "scorn" the other woman, it's her fault he was married she knew that. But you know, sometimes they do know, but the man lies and convinces her that it is loveless and he is leaving his wife. Sometimes, they have absolutely no idea that he is married and sometimes, sure, they are deliberately seeking out married men to prove their worth is better than what his wife can give to him.

So, the circumstances are all different. In your case, the "infidelity" occured, as to why, what, who instigated it, who knows.

So this is another area that you need to see through i think be objective as it will make you livid only at women and that can not be good for your mind, body or soul.

C · 03-22-2008 09:50 PM

When something like this happens you do not think of the infidelity. You think of the act. The hurt. It happened or it did not happen. Whether she F'd his brains out when he was drunk, or whether he was sober...It happened...Something took place, that should not have taken place.

The poster has said how she has a hard time even masturbating...I can see this happening because a woman must be in that special place in her mind of freedom to enjoy this sensual act. Very often this is done with her husband in mind. She has said that her sex life has gone to , I will agree with her as this could have happened to me too.

Only thinking about this today, do I realize the importance of bringing this subject up and dealing with it...Patti, who is my dear friend, asked me to do a blog on this. I told her that I didn't want to bring that other woman in bed with me again. She said if it bothers you that much don't....But I will. I will not clog up this thread with it but instead will add it to the thread I have started. I guess, I finally know what I would have done and am able to talk about it...TC, C

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-22-2008 10:12 PM

Originally Posted by CarolineWH

When something like this happens you do not think of the infidelity. You think of the act. The hurt. It happened or it did not happen. Whether she F'd his brains out when he was drunk, or whether he was sober...It happened...Something took place, that should not have taken place.

The poster has said how she has a hard time even masturbating...I can see this happening because a woman must be in that special place in her mind of freedom to enjoy this sensual act. Very often this is done with her husband in mind. She has said that her sex life has gone to , I will agree with her as this could have happened to me too.

Only thinking about this today, do I realize the importance of bringing this subject up and dealing with it...Patti, who is my dear friend, asked me to do a blog on this. I told her that I didn't want to bring that other woman in bed with me again. She said if it bothers you that much don't....But I will. I will not clog up this thread with it but instead will add it to the thread I have started. I guess, I finally know what I would have done and am able to talk about it...TC, C

I disagree Caroline, as you are obviously referring to my previous notation, however, i have answered in more depth prior to that post. And i believe that i answered her true question at that time.

However:- Having read her other post:-

The only word she highlighted in her thread was the word "infidelity".. It is also evident from her words on the other thread that she is seething at women as a result at the moment which is normal don't get me wrong, and she also spoke of "The Lord", therefore infidelity is a huge thing to her.

She spoke about the meaning of marriage, as much as you hurt for the same meaning, he is yours and yours alone.

Of course as i stated previously, she is hurt and of course it is affecting her, but so is her beliefs, i was merely pointing out that she can not put any particular blame on women in general that may be having affairs, she can not make that "judgement" a word i believe you also used.

Hurt does not go away, and it manifests if you let it, enough to make you want to explore that over and over and over again, as you can not forget. As you have found, even though he did not cheat. Fear creates a lot of things.

Sorry but i think i have a right to an opinion, and i am merely clarifiying why i believe that infidelity with this particular threat and her feelings are part of how she feels, as she has clearly highlighted it.

C · 03-22-2008 10:45 PM

CW I swear I was not referring to anything that you said in my post...I was referring to what my feelings would be as a woman in the place where she is now....She is hurting and hurting bad... I kind of scanned your post and saw the word "infidelity" but saw nothing wrong with the text. I am sure all that you said was right, but I was going into my own mind and how I would and will speak of this and what I will say. This has been troubling for me for a long time. Your opinion is a valued opinion but what I am thinking is something different...I truly forgot that she was a "God" person and instead was somewhere else. This will not effect what I say to her as what I say will be to all woman and that is why I am transferring it to that Thread.

I am sorry if you took it this way....I never until now thought of the fact that "infidelity" could be the cause of her sexual problem....Food for thought....

**seeking32** · 03-24-2008 09:32 PM

Thank you both CarolineWH & CW for your responses. However, I just want to clarify some things. I'm not still hurting about the "infidelity"; I just lack the sexual desire to be with my husband. It's no longer a hurtful feeling, it's simply one of the consequences of his act. He's definitely changed since that point, and I don't believe that is something that will happen again. But, in order for that not to happen again, I somehow have to gain some sexual interest or we'll in up in divorce. By the way, we've done counseling (regular, christian, retreats) you name it, we've done it. But my libido is zero to none!!!!
To answer about the other blog I responded in about the affair. I told the truth. She knew he was married, and even threatened to tell his wife. So CW at what point is she no longer the victim? I have always felt the same way about affairs, even before it happened in my marriage. I wasn't bashing her, but given the circumstance I wasn't going to hold her hand either. If I may ask CW, has your husband committed adultery? I ask that because I can tell thru your response that you are replying from a logical viewpoint, not experience.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-24-2008 09:50 PM

Originally Posted by seeking32

Thank you both CarolineWH & CW for your responses. However, I just want to clarify some things. I'm not still hurting about the "infidelity"; I just lack the sexual desire to be with my husband. It's no longer a hurtful feeling, it's simply one of the consequences of his act. He's definitely changed since that point, and I don't believe that is something that will happen again. But, in order for that not to happen again, I somehow have to gain some sexual interest or we'll in up in divorce. By the way, we've done counseling (regular, christian, retreats) you name it, we've done it. But my libido is zero to none!!!!
To answer about the other blog I responded in about the affair. I told the truth. She knew he was married, and even threatened to tell his wife. So CW at what point is she no longer the victim? I have always felt the same way about affairs, even before it happened in my marriage. I wasn't bashing her, but given the circumstance I wasn't going to hold her hand either. If I may ask CW, has your husband committed adultery? I ask that because I can tell thru your response that you are replying from a logical viewpoint, not experience.

There are in fact two sides to me, logical and feelings. Both go hand in hand, the right and the left brain.

Of course when you see a word " infidelity" as the only word put into exclaimation marks, it would be fair to assume logically as you don't know that person, nor do they know you and you are of course, trying to answer a question.

In a Forum like this, i believe it is called " support" and i believe Caroline also stated, that we should not judge. So, at what point is that person or any person no longer a victim? Not an issue to me at all, she asked for help and i replied. I did not add "feelings" into it as how i felt about woman having affairs with married men, again then, i went with logic perhaps and i'm okay with that. If i was to talk with feelings when i reply here, i would be banned trust me, as i am a person who tells it how it is.

But it's a woman's forum where we all come to discuss what ever is bothering us and asking for advice.... not to judge. And sometimes it is hard to ascertain what a person is saying as in your case, you say it has nothing to do with infidelity however you " " that word and that word alone. It is easy to therefore assume.

My husband never had the need to commit adultry he was content with the type of relationship he had. I wasn't. And, i did not either.

But, no offense. "you can tell? " Honey, i am sorry, my husband was not my first. And, i have had my best friend sleeping with my boyfriend and first love of 12 years, whilst i was in that relationship. I understand fully, the word and meaning of adultry.

But i didn't blame her. I didn't blame him either. I didn't judge as who knows who instigated it. I simply walked away because i won't put up with it, even once, regardless. But, that's me.

I wish you success with your journey on this path of your life.. and i am sure whilst i could add to thoughts on the sexual side, i won't as the other's tell a great story and you'll enjoy reading theirs.

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