How to get other woman out of my head?

**GZGirl** · 03-23-2008 03:01 AM

My husband (I can't believe this is actually happening) recently told me has been having an affair. Sleeping with her, taking trips with her, falling in love with her. We have been married 17 years. Two kids. I was totally blindsided by this. I hadn't a clue until he totally lost interest in having sex with me. After tears and hours of talking we have decided to try to start a new relationship rather than return to the old one. That will be challenging, sometimes seeming impossible, but I know we can do it. I have that hope. I would go insane if I did not.

I miss sex so much, I want to be with him again and start living a whole life rather than this empty, horrible one. How do I do it, though? How can I possibly kiss him or touch him without thinking of what he did with/to/for that other woman? How can I get through this? How can I ever be with him again if I can't get past this?

kaylar · 03-23-2008 11:50 AM

You can't.

When you are 'blindsided' by an affair this does
not mean you are too s tup id to live, this means
that he has done an excellent job in cheating.

He hasn't left tell-tale receipts or given lame
stories, but has put a great deal of effort into
his cheating.

That he wants a 'new' relationship that tends to
suggest that there was something wrong with 17
years of your life.

There wasn't.

Right now what you have to do is disentangle your
life from his. Begin to return to who you were
before you married him.

Your marriage is over.

What is happening now is a transition.
He fell in love with someone else.

That ended the marriage.
The sex is extra.

You are facing the most painful hardest uphill
battle of your life. There is no 'easy' here.

The first thing, though is to recapture the full
unadulterated (no pun intended) essense of yourself,
that person before she met him. Once you can reconnect
to the you who existed without him, then you can begin
to perceive of how you can survive without him.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-23-2008 02:37 PM

Originally Posted by GZGirl

My husband (I can't believe this is actually happening) recently told me has been having an affair. Sleeping with her, taking trips with her, falling in love with her. We have been married 17 years. Two kids. I was totally blindsided by this. I hadn't a clue until he totally lost interest in having sex with me. After tears and hours of talking we have decided to try to start a new relationship rather than return to the old one. That will be challenging, sometimes seeming impossible, but I know we can do it. I have that hope. I would go insane if I did not.

I miss sex so much, I want to be with him again and start living a whole life rather than this empty, horrible one. How do I do it, though? How can I possibly kiss him or touch him without thinking of what he did with/to/for that other woman? How can I get through this? How can I ever be with him again if I can't get past this?

I am not sure who instegated the "let's start a new relationship" but ask yourself why he told you that he "loved her?".

Both statements to me sound like "guilt trips". Because of our marriage i had an affair and i fell in love with her, i could have still loved you that way if you did this or that, so let's start a new relationship because she's gone and i miss all the fun and intimacy i had with her, so i'll blame it all on you and see if we can have some fun like i had. That way i don't have to feel guilty and make you think it's our fault, and have the fun i was having with her, i miss her, and that fun.....

Ahhhh, if he wanted to save the marriage, he would be saying, he didn't love her, just missed the fun he used to have with you.

Of course if you suggested it, then you are hanging on and now trying to compare to this woman which will just eat at you over and over and especially in the bedroom. You'll despise yourself and him in the end. I couldn't let him touch me after he stated " i loved another women whilst you were my wife". It's hard enought to comprehend the affair in your emotions let alone that he fell in love.

I agree with kaylar in as much as it has no foundation left to work with, and start remembering who you were, that woman before you married and bring her back into your life as you will need her in the near future, when you possible walk.....

It is much easier after 17 years with children to stay where you are in your eyes i am sure.

He has everything to lose if you walk, financially and lonliness, cooking his own meals everything.....

You remembering who you were, have everything to gain.

My main problem of "will it work" is that he told he that he "loved" this other woman. Can't fathom any woman could say to you that you have a 50/50 chance of turning it around, as what sort of man adds that bit into his infidelity story? Again, to me, only a man that wants you to feel guilty as if it's "your fault" and take the guilt of himself........

That's not a man i would want to live with.

**GZGirl** · 03-23-2008 08:36 PM

He says with amazing sincerity that he wants the relationship we used to have (ie before we had kids, five years ago). I know he is selfish. He sought out this other relationship because he wants to be the center of someone's life. He doesn't want to compete with the kids. As I write this, I know he sounds like a complete a--hole. Why stay with him?

My marriage vows, for one. I promised to stay by him. My kids, of course. But even more scary -- I don't know who I am without him. The last two replies talked about rediscovering myself. How can I do that? I met him when I was 16, fell in love with him when I was 18. I'm 38!! I've never lived outside the context of our relationship. I've never even imagined being separated from him for a week let alone a lifetime. Who am I if I am not his wife? This is pure .

**rcoreyus** · 03-23-2008 08:58 PM

True forgiveness is very difficult. It means not trying to get even, not keeping his crimes in the back of your mind to hold against him later. It is not forgetting, it is accepting what has been done. It is not ignoring or minimizing the crime, but choosing to forgive that crime. The entire point of forgiveness is that it is not fair.

Few people can truly forgive. If you are one of the few, it might give your marriage another chance. If you can’t, if this will always be in the back of your mind haunting you, then it may be best to give up now.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-23-2008 09:15 PM

Originally Posted by GZGirl

He says with amazing sincerity that he wants the relationship we used to have (ie before we had kids, five years ago). I know he is selfish. He sought out this other relationship because he wants to be the center of someone's life. He doesn't want to compete with the kids. As I write this, I know he sounds like a complete a--hole. Why stay with him?

My marriage vows, for one. I promised to stay by him. My kids, of course. But even more scary -- I don't know who I am without him. The last two replies talked about rediscovering myself. How can I do that? I met him when I was 16, fell in love with him when I was 18. I'm 38!! I've never lived outside the context of our relationship. I've never even imagined being separated from him for a week let alone a lifetime. Who am I if I am not his wife? This is pure .

I agree with rcoyeus.

It sounds therefore to me that you had 15 - 17 years together as free spirits and he may very well be a batchelor at heart. The children came along well into the marriage at a time, where at 38, you both have had an immense amount of fun times, without children.

I still find it difficult though as it seems to me that he loved those "fun" batchelor but girlfriend feeling about the relationship and can not handle the word "marriage or commitment".

The children here would have to suffer if that be the case, if he thinks he's competing against them. How can you go back wards, they are in your life.

I don't believe you married him because you intented to give in to his every desire, for the rest of your life, so he could be "centre of attention". Marriage is a give and take both ways and working together both ways. What would he do, if it was you who had the affair.

It is absolutely undertandable that you don't know you. And, mainly, it's a fear especially age and with children, what will i do, how will i cope, i only know one thing.

Then start to learn more things about yourself, hobbies, loves, interests, you were an individual before children, what did you do then, that was only 5 years ago.

Can you honestly, again, let him be centre of attention, would that not mean neglecting the children, would that not mean that he requires the most attention when they are around? How can you. You are a Mother, it is not possible. He will go back to that feeling he had of "i need, i need".

You need to..... Find out about you a bit more over the next few months start concentrating on ... you, your children and if you can, add him in, but don't make him the soul person in this 3, 4 way relationship.

**GZGirl** · 03-23-2008 09:40 PM

You got it dead-on. He resents the kids, I know he does. He would have been happy just having the two of us. We had years together, infertility issues. We finally adopted. I thought we were both on board, but I guess I pushed him. Yet he loves them and they adore him. That is in the past.
I know I can forgive him. I already have. But am I hurting my children by keeping them in a relationship where they may feel (even remotely) like they are not wanted. Can he grow up enough to be a husband and father? I need to decide if I should give him that chance.
As far as discovering myself, who I am.... I guess I'm in the deep end of the pool now. Even if I don't want to, this uphill battle, this horrible situation will make me examine myself, my life.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-23-2008 09:58 PM

Originally Posted by GZGirl

You got it dead-on. He resents the kids, I know he does. He would have been happy just having the two of us. We had years together, infertility issues. We finally adopted. I thought we were both on board, but I guess I pushed him. Yet he loves them and they adore him. That is in the past.
I know I can forgive him. I already have. But am I hurting my children by keeping them in a relationship where they may feel (even remotely) like they are not wanted. Can he grow up enough to be a husband and father? I need to decide if I should give him that chance.
As far as discovering myself, who I am.... I guess I'm in the deep end of the pool now. Even if I don't want to, this uphill battle, this horrible situation will make me examine myself, my life.

Slightly confused there. " He resents them ok, " "Yet he loves them and they adore him"... "That's in the past?".. "children may feel even remotely unwanted". How does he treat them now, and what is showing that it is evident that he preferred the previous life"... Showing you.... If you forgive him. (not forgetting), but forgive, you may have to play the Mother and Father Role ie) the full parent role, and then be devoting to him when he gets home. Question is, will that work, is that fair can you formulate it whereby the children can't wait to see him still and he is happy to have some fun with them as you are giving him all the attention? They had theirs, or will they still want his and can he give it in the same capacity?

Yep, it's an uphill battle, just as like attracts like, familiarity attract same, but you have to just think "out that square" one step at a time, and start with one thing that you love, and work your way after that towards another etc... Rome wasn't built in a day.....

**rcoreyus** · 03-23-2008 10:34 PM

Originally Posted by CHANDLERS WISH

Slightly confused there. " He resents them ok, " "Yet he loves them and they adore him"... "That's in the past?".. "children may feel even remotely unwanted". How does he treat them now, and what is showing that it is evident that he preferred the previous life.....

I can see where this can be very complex. If he felt coerced into adopting children, he migh both love them, and resent them. He may accept them as his, and be willing to do anythign for them, but at the same time wish he never had that responsibility.

You cannot go back to the life without children. If you can, forgive him, and see if he is willing to accept his life with you AND with the children.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-23-2008 10:49 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

I can see where this can be very complex. If he felt coerced into adopting children, he migh both love them, and resent them. He may accept them as his, and be willing to do anythign for them, but at the same time wish he never had that responsibility.

You cannot go back to the life without children. If you can, forgive him, and see if he is willing to accept his life with you AND with the children.

Sometimes you do read words, and not meanings rcoreyus, focusing therefore on an issue, not the whole issue of a subject. So, your point is extremely valid as she has stated that "maybe", she was the main one wanting this at that particular time and may have trouble now dealing with it, regardless of the love, hense resentment. Good point.

With regards to your last paragraph, maybe if they start the dating again bit, with the children minded, and re-gain some of the fun they had as well, they can cope also in the new family situation as 17 odd years without children first and 5 years with, is different odds without a bit of the old put back into it all......

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