Husband is Depressed

**dwhit** · 04-30-2008 12:46 PM

I have been married for 3 1/2 years now, pretty happily. About 2 weeks ago, my husband came to me and told me he was not happy with his life and wants to leave. It was like a baseball bat out of nowhere - I never had any indication that he was unhappy. He went out that night and did not come home (supposedly stayed at his cousins house). He kept telling me he didnt know what was wrong or why he felt this way, but he just isn't happy. He was telling me what I could have in the divorce and it sounded like his mind was made up. His brother was in town staying with us for a week after his night of not coming home. My husband called in from work 2 days in a row and went to a bar with his brother. He was calling me at work wanting me to go to the bar he was at (he usually doesnt like bars). When I told him no he said there were some girls at the bar that they were going to "pick Up" - so of course I raced right over there and when I got there the girls that were there immediately told me that he was a good man because they tried to talk to him and he told them right off the bat that he was married. I asked him why he told me he was picking up girls and he said that he just wanted me to come down there. I was furious and we started fighting. When we were fighting he was telling me that he hates everything about his life and hes destined to screw everything up and die young like his dad (his dad was murdered when he was 12). I realized that maybe he was having a mental breakdown of some sorts and started to be sympathetic instead of mad. After his brother left he told me he thinks hes depressed and he doesn't want to loose me and now he wants to be with me. I have made an appointment for us to go to a psychologist (seperatly), but I am having a very hard time with this. He is telling me to forget what he said and did and that hes sorry and he loves me and on and on and on. But I can't just forget about this. I'm trying hard to hold it together, but I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown myself. I'm carrying the weight of his problems (which are huge, stemming back from when his dad died and he never even cried or got the help he should have) and it's getting to be too much. I have lost 15lbs in the last 2 weeks and I feel like I'm depressed too!! Not to mention I have no security or trust in him right now. Any advice on how to handle my situation?

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 04-30-2008 01:38 PM

I'm a guy...

I don't really know what to say..... Once a man settles down his biological imperitives and instincts are sort of thrown out of the window. No longer will there be any fun, excitement, adventure or freedom (not to mention chasing women). Every action he makes he has to have you in mind. This becomes like a weight in his mind.. Also he's probably got into the "looking after the wife" frame of mind, where he feels almost like he looks after you like a kid or whatever, as opposed to having an equal fun relationship.

I think in so far as that he might feel like his life is over - you know, the whole mid-life crisis thing. I think if you want him to improve nagging, seeking reassurance etc.. are NOT going to help, try to be independant, and give him his independance. Spend time apart from each other, let him do what he wants to do, etc.

And it's a GOOD thing for people to take time out to evaluate thier lives from time to time.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-30-2008 04:29 PM

The hardest thing to do when you love your (SO) is to hear a cry for help.

I tend to think men bottle things up more than women and keep pain to themselves because " i am the man ".

I see two things, one he has shown that what ever he said to you, it wasn't because of another woman - as he proved that at the bar and maybe that was in reflection after he had hurt you over the divorce part, he realised you may have thought that and that was the way he could express that to you.

The other thing is see, is obviously for what ever reason, his father dying is foremost in his mind at this time and as such he is letting it all go finally.

It is great that he has agreed to see someone about it and it is great that he has shared that with "his wife".

Only you can assess if this reaction and his current stance is new to you or has been this way all the way through, as to whether there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

My ex-husband's father died driving of a cliff when he was 5, some say suicide and it was listed as accidental. His father beat him, then showed him his prize possessions, his motor cars which my ex now loves to death, cars cars and more cars.

But one day, he cried in front of me over his father when i said let it go and i will never forget that, it was the first and only time he let it out.

He had issues so that's another story there, but he did let it go and it can happen.

Time sometimes is an essence.

CW

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