Getting a Divorce, How do I find me?

**Happy1** · 05-03-2008 11:31 AM

My husband and I married young and were only married two years. Our entire relationship lasted seven years. One year into the marriage I found myself alone everynight while he helped his friends with odd jobs or had other things to do. I was disappointed in him and myself for believing that our marriage would be united. We never shared money or belongings really, everything was seperate. I found myself flirting with a married co-worker who was going thru a similar situation.

One year after all of this began I had tried to talk to my husband every chance I got and we went to one counsiling session. He didnt like it and refused to go back. I began talking to my co-worker more and more bc he knew what I was going thru. One night things got physical with the co-worker(not sex but close enough). I cried all the way home and hated myself for doing it but I didnt want to stop.

A few months later, the co-worker and I were having lunch and his wife saw us and freaked out. I told her it was nothing and that I could see it would cause problems so I wouldnt talk to him. I went home that night and packed my things to leave my husband. That was three months ago and we have filed for divorce, we talked alot and both realized that it was better this way(he never knew about the co-worker).

Now I have my own place and this co-worker is attempting to get a divorce and I have tried to stop talking to him but he has become my best friend so its hard to let go.

I feel like I am making my life about him and what he wants when he wants it(although he would NEVER ask me to do this). I did this with my husband and thats why things didnt work, I focused on him and what he wanted and never thought about myself. I come from a broken home with an alchoholic father and a depressed drug addict mother. I know I have co-dependency issues I just dont know how to start fresh and break the cycle.

I need help learning how to find what I want for myself before I get back into the same cycle.....HELP

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-03-2008 05:27 PM

Originally Posted by Happy1

My husband and I married young and were only married two years. Our entire relationship lasted seven years. One year into the marriage I found myself alone everynight while he helped his friends with odd jobs or had other things to do. I was disappointed in him and myself for believing that our marriage would be united. We never shared money or belongings really, everything was seperate. I found myself flirting with a married co-worker who was going thru a similar situation.

One year after all of this began I had tried to talk to my husband every chance I got and we went to one counsiling session. He didnt like it and refused to go back. I began talking to my co-worker more and more bc he knew what I was going thru. One night things got physical with the co-worker(not sex but close enough). I cried all the way home and hated myself for doing it but I didnt want to stop.

A few months later, the co-worker and I were having lunch and his wife saw us and freaked out. I told her it was nothing and that I could see it would cause problems so I wouldnt talk to him. I went home that night and packed my things to leave my husband. That was three months ago and we have filed for divorce, we talked alot and both realized that it was better this way(he never knew about the co-worker).

Now I have my own place and this co-worker is attempting to get a divorce and I have tried to stop talking to him but he has become my best friend so its hard to let go.

I feel like I am making my life about him and what he wants when he wants it(although he would NEVER ask me to do this). I did this with my husband and thats why things didnt work, I focused on him and what he wanted and never thought about myself. I come from a broken home with an alchoholic father and a depressed drug addict mother. I know I have co-dependency issues I just dont know how to start fresh and break the cycle.

I need help learning how to find what I want for myself before I get back into the same cycle.....HELP

I don't believe in blame where divorce is concerned, there's no room, there's heartache attached at the end of a break up as it is, so why bother, easier to try and be nice about the whole affair, and leave amicably as you have, or if not attempt to reach that level somewhere down the track, in and with peace. So that's great that you both felt that way in the end, but don't say that it is because of the way you are that it happened.

Firstly, you were lonely... He was not at home. Secondly, you didn't even live as husband and wife, you had separate bank accounts ( that's more like, until i trust you, in-case there is a divorce) that was one thing i could not comprehend with my marriage, the separate issues not togetherness as a whole.

It is also great that you avoided "temptation" at a time when you felt so vulnerable, week and lost.

What you are asking for is to be more assertive, to be more in control of you, to live for you, love yourself, so you can then join together as one but as you, not for someone else.

When i separated, i ensured that i stayed clear of any "rebound" men, as it would happen for sure, last thing i wanted was to end up in another relationship that went no where and more wasted years.

So, the first step i think is to forego another relationship, keep it on friendship level for a little while longer and concentrate on "you".....

Who were you before? What do you love to do? What is your favourite colour? What type of dreams do you have/goals? Do you love or hate your hair, need a different colour, streaks, always admired a certain style of clothing but never thought you would wear it? What's your favourite hobby? Are you creative? Do you love your body or want it to be a bit different?

Write them all down, all the positives of what you see in you, or want to see in you.

Then start attempting them one by one and become YOU....

Look in the mirror " it tells a thousand words" and smile and tell yourself you look great and this is your life now, now you can be you, which is what ever you want to be and a man will then walk into that life, your life, of equality...

You are still a lost soul searching for love, without loving yourself first...

Love yourself first and then you can truly love another in harmony not be there for their every whim, but together as one united, as each has their own personalities, no boundaries and are free to be themselves.

What ever you've dreamt about, now you can do it......

Good luck,

This man can still be in the picture, he may very well be your closest "mate", as he's been there through it all with you, visa verso, but he may also not be your "perfect match", and as you are "needy" at this time in your life, it's a dangerous immediate journey to take, until you can find out more about you and who you are and what you want, then make your decision... In my opinion....

Or you'll remain in the frame of mind that you are in, the one you were in.

Go seek "Happy1"....

CW

**Happy1** · 05-03-2008 07:51 PM

Wow. My best friend hasn't talked to me about this since it all started, she is very open minded but when this all started she became very judgemental of the decisions I made. I haven't really had an objective opinion up to this point. That honestly felt like a weight lifted. Thank you for your honest and VERY VERY helpful opinion!!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-03-2008 07:57 PM

Originally Posted by Happy1

Wow. My best friend hasn't talked to me about this since it all started, she is very open minded but when this all started she became very judgemental of the decisions I made. I haven't really had an objective opinion up to this point. That honestly felt like a weight lifted. Thank you for your honest and VERY VERY helpful opinion!!

Perhaps she sees a simular "be careful"

Your welcome.

CW

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 05-04-2008 07:43 PM

I'm not going to add anything of value, except that I think separate bank accounts is a GOOD thing. I don't see the need to share everything you have, especially since 50% of marriages end in failure. And 30% or those probably don't end because they've become financially co-dependant anyway. Is losing half of your stuff really worth it when you have a 20% chance of a good marriage?

Maybe I'm just a cynical guy, but I don't see the need in it. I hate the idea that if my wife decided sex wasn't for her after we got married, then I slept with someone else that I'd lose my house. A relationship should be about mutual mental/physical benefit, it's not a contract.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-05-2008 03:16 AM

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

I'm not going to add anything of value, except that I think separate bank accounts is a GOOD thing. I don't see the need to share everything you have, especially since 50% of marriages end in failure. And 30% or those probably don't end because they've become financially co-dependant anyway. Is losing half of your stuff really worth it when you have a 20% chance of a good marriage?

Maybe I'm just a cynical guy, but I don't see the need in it. I hate the idea that if my wife decided sex wasn't for her after we got married, then I slept with someone else that I'd lose my house. A relationship should be about mutual mental/physical benefit, it's not a contract.

Haha, see how you feel when you get married. Or may i suggest that you don't because i think in a way, it is a "Contract", first you promise this and that, ok, so no cheating Anon, walk instead first... THEN she shouldn't be able to get the house, you can argue that one.........

However, harder to prove hey! She didn't give me sex, verses, i had an affair, i know which one could be proved

And, then of course you commit to everything else, well that's a Contract, these are the rules.... do you promise to abide by them.... locked in, done....

Mmmm.... Not sure about Happy1, but I'll pay the mortgage you pay this, before you know it, your paying 80% and he's paying 20% and how can that be a 50/50 marriage? With separate bank accounts, okay, you can say, well write down all the bills and divide, but it doesn't quite work that way for lots of reasons, i tried.

And as you don't have access to his account, nor want to, privacy is good, he works and is paid according to the type of work, hours, so you honestly don't know if he is broke or not that week, until he comes home with more toy cars, or a leather jacket for the bike

mmmm....

After, of course you paid for dinner as he was broke that week....

Good analogy otherwise, I'm hopeful i just walk out, you keep the house, and the furniture, stay away from my business, as i built it? So far so good... See usually it's the other way around isn't it! But, he has hinted that as i own a commercial property to let him out of it, i have to pay for future growth... mmm.... Without going into detail, i gave $70k, over 3 years, to his, mortgage payments only?

A good lawyer will request the past what ever year of bank statements anyway regardless of who spent what, to determine, so kind of throws that out the window a bit regarding, who spent what.

My Lawyer in-fact told me to grab mine, and highlight all i spent, can't be bothered, don't believe in horrid divorces, I'm very civil there...

So on that last note, i totally agree.

I don't understand the logic frankly in "taking a person", that's revenge and well, why bother... Best revenge is going forward and having it all, and them still wallowing in what could have been if only and not being able to progress as far, happy, or at all because they relied on you to start with and now your not there....Guess that also works as to how you were treated and hopefully the next one, gets a better deal as well.

Well, a small vent i feel.

But in a nice way...... and of course, i'm off and running and he still misses me, you get that.

CW

**Happy1** · 05-05-2008 09:27 AM

Omg, I feel sick. This man that I loved, this co-worker, has slept with his wife that he was supposed to be leaving. He says he is confused. We have never been together but this is the ultimate betrayel to me. What am I supposed to do now? He doesnt say he wants me or her, he is just confused.

**whilhelm** · 05-05-2008 09:56 AM

i wouldn't judge you - i don't know much about your situation. only what little you've written here - and there's much more, i'm sure, that has impact on what you're doing.

you're in a dangerous position. you've dangled yourself out on the end of a limb so whenever the wind blows, you have no choice but to react the way the limb you're on reacts. you have no control over the direction or force of the wind, and you're not standing on your feet, so you can't control how you respond to the wind.

a few issues:
1. your marriage disappointed you - you expected something other than what you experienced
2. you have strong feelings for someone other than your husband
2. you believe you are unable to "find yourself" in a relationship

each one of these is unique - but you seem to be trying to fix one with the other. for example:

1. your marriage isn't what you expected, so you try to find yourself.
2. your husband isn't meeting your needs, so you develop a relationship with someone else who can.
3. you can't find who you are in your marriage, so you get a divorce.
4. etc.

the point is - you have a few problems that are causing you trouble. you have to work on each one, individually. they can't be used to fix each other.

sounds to me like the 3rd one is foundational & could be "coloring" your experiences in the other 2.

my advice - again, based only on limited knowledge of what you're life is all about - is to:

1. hold off on divorce. your marriage isn't what you expected & it isn't going to heal itself. but any urgency you feel in wanting the divorce is imagined. it may not get better right away - it may not be exciting - but if you just leave it alone for a little while, nothing's going to break. the sky won't fall & it'll be there if you ever want to pick it up again.

get separated, if you need something formal. informally separate - get away, stay with a friend, parent - whatever. be careful here: if you do end up divorcing, it may be significant which one of you moved out fiorst. so maybe just go stay with a friend. whatever's convenient - you know what's best here.

2. i would really evaluate the relationship with the co-worker. ending a marriage - even a bad one - is traumatic. if he's ending one too - you guys are both going through major trauma.

trust me on this - neither of you will be the same a couple years after you go through that. not saying you won't feel the same way about each other - who knows? but the experience will change you - and your perspective on everything in your life will change, once the dust of all the emotional damage settles.

it is very possible you will feel differently about any life-changing decisions you make now. same goes for him.

as hard as it will be - because you'll have to deny your passions temporarily - you've got to step back far enough so you can see the whole picture, without touching it - otherwise you'll never be able to make a good decision.

break up? not necessarily. i'll be honest - it'll be hard to cool it off & then pick it back up. but it'll be nearly impossible to keep it hot & have it last if you both carry it with you through your divorces.

3. get back to that counselor - or another one - and unpack that whole thing about the co-depency issues. you don't have to endure endless cycles of expensive psychobabble. but you've wrapped up your early experiences in your mind & packaged them the best way you knew how as a child. sounds like you put some of the boxes in the wrong place.

so get them back out & let someone help you pack them back up the right way. it doesn't take that long. if you're committed & give yourself lots of time to work on your own, thinking & writing maybe - it can be done in a matter of weeks (assuming you talk once a week). it won't change who you are - it will change the way you view things. your reactions to things won't be based on incorrect understandings.

then, once your feet are where they need to be & you can see everything clearly - you can make the best decisions about your marriage, divorce, new romance, etc.

**Happy1** · 05-05-2008 10:30 AM

You are very right. I do feel very out of control. It will be so hard, we work closely together and I know that when I see him I will cry. As far as the divorce, the husband is the one that wanted to file, I moved out. He said it was too hard to not know what we were doing. So the papers sit with the state until they can be filed (30 days in this state). Actually they have prob gone thru already.

I dont want to do anything dramatic. I dont want to say no divorce and no relationship...I just hate things the way they are. I have no idea who I am. I was in the relationship with my husband since I was 16. I am 24 now and I feel like I never knew me, I was a kid.

That was alot of the problem to start with. I have a new insurance where I work and I dont think that it covers therapy, go figure. I know I need help and need to talk it thru with someone...Its so hard to start to fix things, co-dependency has been a crutch for me. When I hurt I find someone else who does and try to fix them so I dont have to focus on me.(not that I do that on purpose, its just a habit I have noticed).

I think I am so afraid to be alone. I know I am young but I have never dated, wouldnt even know where to start. I am sure this does have some baring on the way I feel about the co-worker. Dont get me wrong, I do love him, but the feeling of desperation I am sure comes from fear.

I am just...out of control...blowing in the wind. I am miserable at home with a kidney stone right now and I am trying to deal with so many things at one time.

**just4me** · 05-05-2008 10:51 AM

Originally Posted by Happy1

Omg, I feel sick. This man that I loved, this co-worker, has slept with his wife that he was supposed to be leaving. He says he is confused. We have never been together but this is the ultimate betrayel to me. What am I supposed to do now? He doesnt say he wants me or her, he is just confused.

Oh darlin run away, thats my advice. It doesn't sound like he ever really had intentions of leaving if he is sleeping with his wife again. I've been the other woman with a married man, and trust me honey it's not pretty. I am still getting thru it and struggling with it everyday.

Darlin take the time YOU need to find YOU. Take time to be with just yourself and friends, no men for a bit, maybe. Leave his confused a&& to deal with his own ****!!!

RUN RUN RUN!!! Be who YOU are and find who YOU are again. Then you will find a good man who means as much to him as he does to you

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