I found out he had an Emotional Affair

**dwhit** · 05-10-2008 10:47 AM

My husband and I have been having problems for about a month now, up until last night I thought he was just depressed or going through a mid life crisis. That still may be the case, but I found out he has been talking to a girl that he met online. Right off the bat I knew there was something about this girl. He said it started off innocent with them just playing this game together. Then he gave her his number and she called him. Over the course of the last month he's been talking to her. Talking about me and how unhappy he is and even sex!!! He now says he feels so guilty and he wants nothing to do with her anymore and he'll do whatever it takes to regain my trust. He knows he screwed up and said he was just confused and doesn't know why he did it, but now he realizes mhe wants only me forever. He sent her a message and told her that he never wanted tp speak with her again, blocked her and deleted all her information. They never met face to face, she lives in another country, but it is so painful that he was hiding this from me and having this sort of relationship with another woman. I feel so betrayed. If it had been a physical affair, I would leave no question!! But I think we might be able to get through this,although I dont know if I'll ever trust him again. I need some good advice.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-10-2008 03:26 PM

Originally Posted by dwhit

My husband and I have been having problems for about a month now, up until last night I thought he was just depressed or going through a mid life crisis. That still may be the case, but I found out he has been talking to a girl that he met online. Right off the bat I knew there was something about this girl. He said it started off innocent with them just playing this game together. Then he gave her his number and she called him. Over the course of the last month he's been talking to her. Talking about me and how unhappy he is and even sex!!! He now says he feels so guilty and he wants nothing to do with her anymore and he'll do whatever it takes to regain my trust. He knows he screwed up and said he was just confused and doesn't know why he did it, but now he realizes mhe wants only me forever. He sent her a message and told her that he never wanted tp speak with her again, blocked her and deleted all her information. They never met face to face, she lives in another country, but it is so painful that he was hiding this from me and having this sort of relationship with another woman. I feel so betrayed. If it had been a physical affair, I would leave no question!! But I think we might be able to get through this,although I dont know if I'll ever trust him again. I need some good advice.

Feeling little love, chips are down, simple flirting can be contageous.

Nothing in it, it's safe, she lives a million miles away but at the same time the temptation to feel good about yourself, overwhelmed him. He probably initially thought there was nothing in it, nothing wrong, but in the back of his mind, started to think a bit different, perhaps realised he was bordering "cheating" but it appears he realised this.

I am on My Space and truthfully, since being on this Forum, i am wiser to whom i'm talking to.

This guy asked to be a "friend", My Space message does state i am checking out a poss relationship.... have a few great old pals that i had not spoken to for years there and a couple new ones, i love men and woman, in communication, can be friends with either.

Anyway, he posted "to be honest, i'm leaving my wife but can't until my teenagers pass their exam"... mmmm.... okay, where have i heard this before?

So, anyway, eventually he spilled more... I am having an affair, her name is Des, i save myself for her, but i'm going away with my wife for a week, Des said she'd leave me, he only stays from 6pm -12am, he is a musician so can get away with that, but once a week, his wife is an Executive, he is the house mum, but the wife is trying harder now but he doesn't know, he loves Des.

And, of course the point of this story is that he MSN's me all the time as well, hi, in the morning, hi at night hi, hi, hi, and then talks to me about Des and the wife.

So, i have no doubt he will end up telling me all sorts....

Of course i'm telling him, leave or stay can't have it both ways, why not try with wife, she's trying, Des can come and go and then what?

And, you shouldn't really be talking to me, what if your wife finds out?

Mmm. seperate email address?????

When did they get so crafty?

So from what i can gather, his zing left the ring and consequently he strayed.

Did he start ie) like My Space, no photo, no last name of course, and it went from there with Des?

Good job that he has seen the roses, now if i was you, instead of feeling cheated as you weren't there, someone was venting, needing a woman's advice, found a person a million miles away that could help, bit like this guy communicating with me, however, you don't want him to realise the next step, ie) Des...

So, hug him and sit down and work out what you can both do to spice things up, laugh more, enjoy each other's company more, so that he doesn't need to try to find out what's wrong, and talk to another woman about it, because he's happy and in return so will you be, obviously there is much love there.

So love must be "much" worked on......

CW

**FionaDiaz** · 05-11-2008 11:53 AM

My husband had an actual affair once... and I left him for a time but we got back together recently and things have been great.

There were several wonderful things about the seperation, one, it showed him that I could leave and would leave, it gave me a chance to figure out if I wanted to even try to trust him again, or if I wanted to be single, or if I wanted to date other people, or if I wanted to return to him!

The best thing that happened though.. it gave him a chance to see what life would be like without me, and decide if that is really what he wanted.

Maybe you can take a vacation for a little while, go to the beach with your kids for a couple of weeks (and get a great tan), or go to your mother's to visit! Just get away and take some time to think things over, and let him alone!

As for the trust... it could return slowly... very slowly, but you are going to have a really hard time till it does.

I told my husband that I would be "watching" him, and if he did something I would know... I didn't tell him exactly what I would be doing, but I did warn him. I installed a keylogger (you can find them for free online) and I check his email and his hi5 often.

I've not checked his email in over a month... and I'm visiting my mother right now for a couple of weeks and trust him that he will not do anything while I'm gone.... so the trust can come back!

If you decide to stay with him something is going to have to happen, and it's hard! First, yell and scream about what he did, take a whole night to talk about it, argue and fight... and then FORGET IT! It never happened! You have to forgive him completely and forget his mistake.

I hope things work out for you!

Private.Flangeamin · 05-11-2008 03:39 PM

Originally Posted by dwhit

My husband and I have been having problems for about a month now, up until last night I thought he was just depressed or going through a mid life crisis. That still may be the case, but I found out he has been talking to a girl that he met online. Right off the bat I knew there was something about this girl. He said it started off innocent with them just playing this game together. Then he gave her his number and she called him. Over the course of the last month he's been talking to her. Talking about me and how unhappy he is and even sex!!! He now says he feels so guilty and he wants nothing to do with her anymore and he'll do whatever it takes to regain my trust. He knows he screwed up and said he was just confused and doesn't know why he did it, but now he realizes mhe wants only me forever. He sent her a message and told her that he never wanted tp speak with her again, blocked her and deleted all her information. They never met face to face, she lives in another country, but it is so painful that he was hiding this from me and having this sort of relationship with another woman. I feel so betrayed. If it had been a physical affair, I would leave no question!! But I think we might be able to get through this,although I dont know if I'll ever trust him again. I need some good advice.

I know im single, but i thought, hope its ok to make a comment .

Regarding an affair issue , if i was married or got married earlier and i found out my husband was unfaithful , for me and just for me because i know everyones different ...i wouldnt even BOTHER giving myself stress and mental torture staying with my husband ...in fact im that determined a person on this matter ,,,id wait till the middle of the night , Bags packed on the quiet , earlier , leave no notes ...NOTHING ..just tell him im going downstairs for cup of tea or something ...call taxi on mobile and slip out , he wouldnt know i was gone till the next day or he heard the taxi leaving .

I look at it this way, hed of been told and he KNEW what my personality was like before i married him

, wed of been with each other long enough to know the reason we are geting married is because apart from love ect ect , he and i have dated enough, done what we wanted to do and its out the system.
I know il never change on this issue, as i dont see why people get married in the first place if they carry on to try and behave single , whats the point??? why did they get married , nobody forced them.

I think its always sensible to have a place of your own, an apartment or somewhere , they havent paid for that belongs to yourself ..so best waiting till your a bit older to marry and you have that independence . Then you have another place to go to , that the guy has nothing to do with, you paid for it, you furnished it .!!! and dont be tempted to get rid of the place if he suggests you sell before you marry, you never know when that could be your lifesaver.
I would go though , if i had kids , yes id take them too and hard luck on him , yhe would get his rights and his access but he CHOSE to do it , he chose to behave the way he did and he new my feelings about it way before we'd of married , but i certainly wouldnt bother giving myself mental stress making myself ill with worry , or unhappy feeling like i had to check up on him ...no way ..sod him ....i just couldnt humiliate myself staying in that situatuation , and i know id NEVER sleep with him after that , the thought is nauseating , let alone wait on him and cook his dinners , i couldnt do it ...i really think you have to be careful these days and people are married a long time , think it through before they do it . This sounds cold hearted , im not , honestly i consider myself very romantic , but i just wont put up with that ...

If this has gone away from the subject , apologies and i really do hope this work out in whatever way you wish .

Take care
Catherine x

**anonymouswhitefemale** · 05-11-2008 04:26 PM

I'm not so sure that I see it as such a big deal.

People on the internet are quite abstracted from your real life. You can talk to someone without worrying about anything, so if your relationship is a bit rocky or there's some things bugging you, you might well decide to talk about that with someone else - maybe your friends in real life are friends with you and your partner, in which case you couldn't talk to them....

Then you build up a rappour (sp?) with someone, both chat about the stuff in your life that's going on.. Then you swap pictures or whatever to put a face to a name, and it turns out that she's pretty hot (rare but does happen) - and what do you do? Flirt, hit on them, a bit of banter etc. It's not like you're bringing someone in to your partners bed when they're at work or whatever, it's just harmless fun. Sure, technology has brought things along a bit, voice chatting and webcams etc. but essentially, you both know that each other aren't important, and are sort of like entertainment.

Also, sex is one of the FIRST things you talk about on the internet since social taboos are pretty much stripped away since you don't have to worry about being embaressed etc.

Not knowing if you'll ever trust him again? Jees, lighten up a bit, we're all human and it's not like he did anything that bad.

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