Thread: Husband and Porn....what should I do????

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

You probably won't get many replies, because this conversation has been had ad nauseum. It's all been covered, read through past threads (use the search feature, it doesn't matter if it's not that recent, the topic is still the same). Then find someone who says what you want to hear and then agree with them.

Any replies is better than no replies...

what you're going through, as painful as it is, is somewhat common & it really is treatable. try not to feel hopeless. I don't know you or your husband, so i can't promise anything - but typically, unless one/both of you are really unable to participate in the healing process - typically it's very treatable.

having said that...

you're in a very problematic place - obviously. but i mean, it's gotten pretty rough. if he's taking his laptop to the bathroom & you're inspecting his bath towell - you're both in the trenches against each other. you've got no hope of resolving this in that condition.

you are so hurt by his use of porn - and it doesn't sound like recreational use, not that that would be much better - that you are in attack mode. you've had the rug of marital confidence & trust yanked from beneath your feet & you're reeling. you're so focused on his infraction that you're filtering your every interaction with him through that lens. maybe with the intentions of preventing it from happening again - you're looking intensely for any evidence that it IS happening.

he seems to be addicted. men have varying degrees of understanding where porn addiction is concerned. depending on where he is on the continuum of knowledge about porn addiction - the less education he has about it, the more panic will inevitable set in when he is deprived of porn. that means that even when he confronts plans that will result in less time being able to be given to porn, he will panic.

the panic will send him into desperation - desperate people do just about anything to resolve their desperation. i've seen porn addicted men - family men, successful fathers - who will drive around & park in front of facilities that offer wireless access just so they can have a few minutes with porn. it robs them of their rationality - "everything will be better if i can just get some time with porn."

and actually - it does seem better for them. there's some truth in that lie. what he's experiencing when he sits alone in the bathroom with porn is not necessarily a sexual experience with someone other than his wife. it's the access to the chemical high that comes with that sexual experience. if he can only access it in the bathroom - he'll make up any ridiculous excuse to take his computer in the bathroom. when you catch him there, he'll try something else.

this is why so many men access porn at work & get caught, fired, himiliated in the papers.

they just can't help it.

harsh reality coming...

as long as you're on the offensive with this, you are securing his inability to help this. you have every right to be offended - and as long as you respond that way, you'll be adding to the problem.

i know - it's an uncomfortable irony.

here are your steps - my advice:

1. your husband has to see this as a problem. chances are that he does - not many men can "need" to jack off so badly that they take the laptop to the bathroom without knowing they are somewhat out of control.

2. so the next important thing is for him to not only realize it's a problem, but admit it to you - chances are, he knows something's wrong. chances are also that he is not admitting that something's wrong, for several reasons: people are giving him a steady stream of seemingly legitimate excuses. if you guys don't have much sex, that'll be the reason, for example.

important side note here: you have to make doing the right thing the easy thing. admitting to you that his porn use is a problem will be humilating, embarassing. depending on many factors where his background is concerned, that could draw this step out. most men are not able or willing to humiliate themselves to their wives just for fun. you have to give him a safe environment for this.

if he thinks you're going to be shocked, horrified, disappointed, etc - then i promise you, he will guard this secret & do whatever he can to keep you from seeing it.

if you want it exposed - and it needs to be if you're going to fix it - you have to sacrifice & suffer & control your emotional reaction to this. period.

this will probably be the hardest step for both of you.

3. you both need to be well educated on this subject. i would advise that for you right now. read up on porn & porn addiction. read it all - not just the material geared for treating addiction. read the stuff that thinks it isn't an addiction, it will give you unbelievable insight into the nature of porn & the hold it has on our society.

most importantly, you both will need to...

4. learn what it is that is hooking him to porn. there will be something specific - and probably hidden - in your husband's upbringing or character or experience that is giving porn the foothold it has in his life. this will probably take some time with a professional, but not necessarily. he can be motivated & intelligent enough to do it himself - but often it takes even just a little help from soneone who can help him unpack his experiences.

quick explanation: as we develop, we have experiences with people & situations that cause us to form attitudes. you can think of those attitudes as boxes that hold all those experiences - they've been packed up & put away, metaphorically, in our "closets."

sometimes they get packaged wrong, sometimes packaged right but put on the wrong shelf.

this where a professional can help - they need to be unpacked, repacked correctly, then put away in the right place.

when you two discover what it is that needs that treatment, you can both go to work addressing the real problem. that kind of collaboration will bond you two together. you're his biggest ally & supporter - wheras right now you're his biggest opposition.