Help! I feel like we're roommates not spouses!

**harlow** · 05-29-2008 11:36 AM

I feel like I'm going crazy. I've been married to my husband for 14 years. For the last year I've felt like we're roommates, not husband and wife. It has been sooo long since we've had sex, I'm even too embarassed to say how long. My husband has no sex drive anymore, and has actually said this to me. He is very stressed with work, just got passed up for a promotion, and we're going through some financial stress right now. But he's a guy!! What guy doesn't want to have sex? I'm racking my brain wondering "Is he not attracted to me anymore? Did I do something wrong? I even wondered if he was having an affair!"

Our days consist of him getting up before me and leaving for work. He works til 5, comes home... is always on the phone re: work. We have dinner together, I get our daughter ready for bed, he goes downstairs... on the computer or watches t.v., while I stay upstairs and watch t.v. I go to bed before him. Then we start over the next day. For four days in a row, he slept on the couch downstairs! He claims he just falls asleep while watching tv, but I feel like we've become one of those couples that sleeps in separate rooms.This makes me so sad.

I've tried to talk about all of this with him a number of times, but he's not one to talk about feelings (especially re: sex) and we always end up arguing and not talking to each other. I love my husband very much, and I know he loves me...but something has to change! I don't know what to do.

Any advice?

**Fallen1** · 05-29-2008 11:55 AM

Originally Posted by harlow

I've tried to talk about all of this with him a number of times, but he's not one to talk about feelings (especially re: sex) and we always end up arguing and not talking to each other. I love my husband very much, and I know he loves me...but something has to change! I don't know what to do.

Any advice?

In my opinion there isn't much you can do if he doesn't or isn't willing to talk. From what I've read that's where you are now, not communicating.

You've said you've tried to talk, but have you said those same words to him that I highlighted above - "something has to change, I don't know what to do"?

**rcoreyus** · 05-29-2008 02:06 PM

I'm very sorry to hear your situation. I've been in a simliar one (I'm male) - but after several years, things have been improving recently (or I'm an eternal optimist). Maybe they will improve for you. Maybe not.

It seems a lot of people are in sexless, or nearly sexless marriages. Based on this discussion group, it seems about evenly split between men and women.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-29-2008 04:25 PM

Can i say firstly, get him out of that pattern of "falling asleep on the lounge", and you both watching different TV's, in different locations real quick...

I started that 1 year before, i separated from my husband.. Ours was for different reasons.

However, once stated, i kept going and didn't stop.

I watched TV in the kitchen, him in the lounge... and then where sex was concerened, well i faded further into not wanting him full stop.. as i said, i had reasons, but the fact is, once you go down that path, it's over as you get accustomed to being alone, by yourself, you can cope with it, handle it and walk.

He passed up a promotion? BUt finances are not the best, then he is stressed to the hilt.

Don't get me wrong here, at all. But do you work? Yes, you do looking after the daughter, but i mean, perhaps a part time job?

I say this for two reasons...

1) So you take off some burden for the marriage it would obviously help, and

2) For your relationship... If you have a part time job, it is conversation. Funny things happen in a day, you'd be sharing and laughing..

3) For you, something outside the house hold chores, raising children and cooking meals, that gives you a part of your life outside of all of this back as well.

Sometimes, it's well so mundane, if sex is not involved as well, and no laughter...

Just a thought worth thinking about...

CW

**harlow** · 05-29-2008 05:01 PM

Thanks for the replies! Yes, I know we need to put an end to the watching separate tv's and spend more time together, believe me. But like you said, you get used to being alone, and I guess I can get lost in the shows that I watch. It's a nice escape. Sorry, but ESPN gets boring. We decided awhile ago that we would watch a movie together every other night or so, but that didn't last long. and besides, he always has work to do..preparing for presentations etc. so I'd be sitting there while he's on his laptop.

I am currently looking for a job. I have been out of the work force for 2 years(to stay home with our daughter). Believe me, I'm trying and it's creating stress for me. I do feel guilty because if I was working, we wouldn't be struggling financially. I miss that professional side of me and hope to get it back.

Nevertheless, I'm sure there are other couples going through stressful situations, yet still have sex! God, it feels hopeless...but I can't imagine life without him. Does that make sense?

rcoreyus...How did you deal with it for years? How did it begin to get better. As a guy, do you know other men who are not interested in sex? It just seems so odd.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-29-2008 05:09 PM

ChandlersWish

Nevertheless, I'm sure there are other couples going through stressful situations, yet still have sex! God, it feels hopeless...but I can't imagine life without him. Does that make sense?

Well, i have read a lot that don't... Stress is a killer in lots of things, and living separate lives creates the "ease of the stress", it's like your own space, i don't need anymore, can't cope with anymore and then the sexual desire is not important either.

So, good for you, don't give up hey...

And, yeah i hated what he watched on TV to and tried the video thing but he'd get what he wanted to watch and bring it home instead of us picking it out together, so i kept loosing, lol....

Sure others can answer on the sex thing but i see the above as to why there isn't any...

Others will add in all the do you do this, do you do that, do you get a date break together, buy sexy lingerie to entice... It seems it's hard, hard work 14 years is a long time so don't give up and see what others say that may help.... (smile)

**harlow** · 05-29-2008 05:27 PM

Also, remember he has told me he has no sex drive and "doesn't know why". I suggested that he get a physical exam from a doctor. Maybe something is going on physiologically as well. But of course, he has yet to do that, and I'm tired of suggesting it. I swear, some days I just say to myself, "It looks like you're just in a sexless marriage. That's it. 40 years old and I'm never having sex again." Yikes!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 05-29-2008 05:30 PM

Originally Posted by harlow

Also, remember he has told me he has no sex drive and "doesn't know why". I suggested that he get a physical exam from a doctor. Maybe something is going on physiologically as well. But of course, he has yet to do that, and I'm tired of suggesting it. I swear, some days I just say to myself, "It looks like you're just in a sexless marriage. That's it. 40 years old and I'm never having sex again." Yikes!

Good you bought that up, other's may not have gone back and read the beginning.....

Geez, i was 42, saying the same thing in fact i said, "I will not live in a loveless marriage".....

Don't give up yet ok

See what others think.... keep smiling, you know, through those gritted teeth................

CW

**rcoreyus** · 05-29-2008 06:44 PM

Its been a major source of stress for me - relationship problems create a sort of stress that nothign else does. I have thought of cheating - I haven't, but sometimes it has been tempting, and my job provides a lot of opportunities. I don't really want sex with someone else - I want intimacy with my wife - but sometimes the former looked like a good substitute for the latter.

I don't know other men who aren't interested - but at least in my experience it isn't something men talk about at all.

How it got better- don't really know. Something seems to have happened in the last few weeks, she seems less stressed - more affectionate. Sometimes I think she is making a concious effort - but it works. I've been much happier - and probably a lot more pleasant to be around. I hope it lasts.

Originally Posted by harlow

snip..
rcoreyus...How did you deal with it for years? How did it begin to get better. As a guy, do you know other men who are not interested in sex? It just seems so odd.

**alexandria** · 08-10-2008 07:47 PM

For 3 years we have had a sexless marriage. Just all of a sudden, nothing. I felt rejected and unsexy and my hubby just said, he doesn't have the desire, it is nothing to do with me. We have grown accustomed to this and now we are comfortable sleeping separately. It is funny but I do not miss it anymore. I have his love and respect and after 25 years together I realize a hug and a kiss and holding hands is just as satisfying for both of us. It took a while to get use to this because we have learned that without sex you have no marriage. For us, this is not true. We both get excited when the door opens at the end of the day and we embrace. I find myself hoping we will not have sex, because now it makes me feel anxious...can I still do it? Will he enjoy it? So it is good just holding each other tight in the kitchen and kissing each other goodnightl.

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