Thread: A Question for Married Women

Originally Posted by Inconsistent

Forget what people told you for a sec and ask yourself these questions.

Can you support yourself entirely? Can he support himself entirely (means no debt, no parental funding, stable jobs, etc)

If yes, then the worst that's gunna happen is a divorce.

This is true. Having agreed with it tho, I am also pulled by the other side of it. Thinking so lightly about marriage ie: the worst that's gunna happen is a divorce... is one of the big reasons marriage just isn't what it used to be. Divorce is way to easy these days. Marriages aren't taken seriously like they used to be.

Originally Posted by Uneeklyme

This is true. Having agreed with it tho, I am also pulled by the other side of it. Thinking so lightly about marriage ie: the worst that's gunna happen is a divorce... is one of the big reasons marriage just isn't what it used to be. Divorce is way to easy these days. Marriages aren't taken seriously like they used to be.

Agreed and I think one of the problems is that a lot of people go into it with the thoughts of "if it doesn't work out we can always get a divorce". It seems that there is no such thing as honoring a commitment these day.

Originally Posted by CollegeChic

How can you tell if they're the one for you?

I asked the question to so many people when i was a teenager and they always told me "oh, you'll just know".

Well i met a man about a month ago, and we clicked instantly. He and i are all ready talking about marraige. His family is all for it. My family keeps saying that we don't know each other well enough, we haven't been together long enough to know for sure.

I've always respected the opinions and advice of my family, but i feel like they're wrong on this one, that they're just being over protective. But i'm also afraid that if he and I do what we want, what we feel is the right choice, that it's going to upset a few people in my family, a few people whom i'm very close to.

Do i still follow my heart? or listen to my family?

It's not that they don't like him, they just think we're rushing. We don't feel like we're hurring into anything, we just don't see the point in holding off on what we're ready for.

Here is what is recommended in professional pre-counseling sessions:

Have 2 lists that consists of the same questions.
You answer without his help and he answers without your help.
Then you meet together at a time when you are not in a rush to really talk about the list.
Talking about the list in honesty and not trying to agree just to keep arguments down. Here are some questions that may appear on the list.
Feel free to add more. Questions should be concerned about big issues.
Not who-gets-mad-if-the-toothpaste-cap-is-off questions.

1) Do you want to have children? How many, how soon?
2) What is your religion, are you practicing it. If different from yours which one is important to you for the household?
3) Do you expect one of us to take care of the kids at home and the other spouse work?
4) What type of discipline you feel is acceptable for raising children?
5) How good is your credit?
6) How much debt are you in?
7) Have you ever been arrested, why?
8) How much do your relatives like to visit/sleep over?
9) How do you feel about birth control?
10) Would you be willing to relocate if my job relocated or I just wanted to relocate to another state/country?
11) If I became really ill, would you feel comfortable taking care of me for years if needed?
12) Do you prefer large/small wedding?
13) How much money do you feel is acceptable for a family to save?
14) Do you plan on going back to school?
15) Have you ever hit a guy/woman?
16) Do you have a substance abuse problem/drink/do drugs?
17) How often a week do you like to have sex?
18) What sex act would you absolutely not like to do?
19) Have you ever done a "taboo" sex act. What was it?
20) Have you ever slept with someone of the same sex?
21) Are you HIV positive? Carry any type of STD?
22) Have you ever been tested for HIV?
...

*Note, it is important to see how each of you react when you are in a stressful/angered situation.
You usually can tell the true character in 6 months to a year.

I agree one month is very quick but it sounds like you are only talking about it. It is nice to know that you both see this as a commited relationship and thinking long term. Speak to him about when he thinks you would get married he might be thinking of some time further into the future. If he is not then I would be asking him what was his hurry. I'm sure he is very much in love with you but other factors may also be contributing. He may feel a little insecure and not wanting to loose you once you have more time to get to know each other.

My fiancee, second marriage for us both, started talking marriage quite quickly, but not quite as quickly as this. It freaked me out a bit at first but after we talked about it he was thinking of a future time. we have been together two years now, living together about 8 mths and getting married in November.

Getting to know each others good and bad qualities is really important.

No hurry, just have fun getting to know each other. This dating/honeymoon timne is really special.

Good luck
tt

You've received some good advice here. One thing I'd add to that is that marriage magnifies things. The good things and the bad. At least it magnifies how you feel about them. It may seem over rational, but I would consider a Ben Franklyn list. List the good on one side and the bad on the other side of the paper. This isn't a judgmental kind of exercise or comparing him to prince charming but more of "I like this and probably always will....(good) I don't like this about him and probably won't tolerate it for long (bad) etc. Also get to know people who have had relationships with him long term ie family, people from church, old friends etc. If he hasn't had many long term relations you probably won't be one either? Also if they barely care to admit they know him this isn't good, however if they sing his praises and are happy to give/loan/trust whatever that's probably a good sign that he's a giving person that has and can invest in relationships with others. (There's a lot of selfish son's of female dogs out there- you want to make sure he's not one of them!) Just a handy point of reference you might say. I've come to know and notice that trend a little too well in people I've tried to get close to. ouch!~ I guess meeting people they've had relationships with is like a relationship credit report. Marriage is kind of high stakes (high risk/ high reward) so I'd go for it once I could assess the risk and how it fit me. Meeting and talking w. people of their past gets you that quick.

When your young, so many different times you meet the guy that gives you goosebumps and makes you feel special for that first month or two. Then after that getting to know you stage is over with, the true man comes to the surface. I can only suggest that you keep things going at a light pace. Enjoy the time of getting to really know him without loosing yourself. So many times we women who are strong and independant tend to loose ourselves in relationships. There have been many times that I have done this and I know that I'm not alone. There is no need to rush anything. Keep enjoying the time of getting to know him.

I personally think that you should wait a little longer. I was dating a year and a half, and engaged a year and a half when I got married and I still had no idea what I was getting into. I love my husband with all my heart and he is my best friend. There are things you need to talk about first and learn to compromise with, otherwise it will put a strain on your marriage. I think we are slowly figuring out the art of being married and how much you actually compromise I wish you two the best.

Marriage can be a lot of fun and you always have someone there for you. You just need to know the person very well first. Like how each of you handle conflict, what are your pet peeves, ect.