So here is my problem... my husband got himself into the worst debt while we were seperated and after we got back together it turns out we couldn't handle it on our on so we each moved in with our parents, him with his mother, me with my folks.

He has always dreamt of starting up his own chemical business. I'm the only person who is supporting him in this dream. His friends say 'yeah, whatever' and his mother says that it's a ' idea'.

I had a plan (I'm a planner, yes) that I would work two jobs here in this very safe city and save money to so we can get a house here where it's safe and he would move up in January to open the business. All of his money is going into the debt. Plan was going great!

Problem.... he just got fired because he didn't show up to work the day before because he was sick, and never called in to let them know he wasn't going to show. This is not the first time he has done something like this.

I revised our plan... I would conitue working two jobs and I would finish paying off the debt while he moved up here and got a part time job along with starting up his company.

He wants to live in that town where it's dangerous with our daughter in his MOTHER'S HOUSE! I want to kill him! He keeps choosing his mother over me, when I'm the only person who is trying to make his dreams come true. In the year and half that we have been married I've asked him for three things: first that he treat me right (duh) and be faithful (double duh), and now I'm asking that he think of our daughter and live in a place where murder isn't just an every day accurance (I'm not exagerating!).

He didn't treat me right during the first year of our marriage and did cheat on me... so the only thing that I'm begging him for now is that we live here where it's safe and he keeps shooting me down.

I'm so mad.... I told him today that I would never live in that town with my daughter (along with several other areas that are dangerous), but I would follow him to the moon if it were a safe place with an excellent school for our children. He went on about how it's CHEAPER to live there... (which technically isn't true, and he would know that had he listened to the rest of my plan!).

I told him to decide what is more important in his life, he is no longer a kid, but is a father and husband and had well better decide if his mommy is more important than his daughter, I told him to send me a message when he knows and I wouldn't call him until he did....

....I'm ranting and raving and actually shaking I'm so ed.... anyone think that I did wrong or right? Anyone have any advice for me??

I love my husband, and want this marriage to work... but he has gotta want it too, right?

I wrote a book.... sorry

Sorry about your situation. Your priorities are in the right place - taking care of your children is your highest priority. If living in the town is really dangerous (does he agree?), then you shouldn't do it.

Deciding how dangerous a place is can be tricky. I actually think that first impressions are pretty good - but sometimes they can be misleading - especially if the area is strongly ethnic. (I'm not talking about racial bias - just that different cultures can look different, and give different impressions of safety).

The money issue is very serious. Not wanting to be mean, but if he can't keep a regular job, he has NO CHANCE of running his own business. Running a business is much harder than any normal job, and most people can't do it (I can't). It is true that you can make far more money at our own business - but you need to really work for it. The idea the businessmen somehow laze around all day just isn't true. The people I know who started their own business work insane hours.

If you have your own business, there is no one to call if you are sick. You need to show up - or accept what might be a huge monetary loss if you can't meet your customers. A customer who finds a store closed when it should be open isn't going to come back (especially a commercial customer). It doesn't matter what the excuse is.

OK, now I'm starting to write a book. My main point is that running a business is MUCH MUCH more difficult than just holding down a regular job.

There are no easy ways to make a lot of money. Usually the best bet is to get trained in something in demand, and which you enjoy.

As far as the business thing, I had my own business when I lived in a tourist town, I know how hard it is and I think that with my help (and me doing most the work) we can make this work. If it doesn't work at least he tried.

About the danger of the town... I live in Guatemala. Do a crime search on a town called Villa Nueva, Guatemala and you will probably see what I mean. Three kids in front of my house were shot to death while playing soccer... happens all the time. In fact, last time I was there visiting my in laws, they killed another bus driver.

I'm not kidding about the whole "it's normal" thing... The gangs in Villa Nueva own the town.

Seems to me you go to the "end of the earth" for him and back again.

Two Jobs? A daughter to raise? A Plan?

And, all the while, all he can think of is where he wants to live?

Surely, he's not "Mummy's boy?", Not being rude i hope, but does he understand 1) The word Marriage? 2) Looking after his family? and 3) Support?

It sounds like he is a me, me, me person, it's all about him, hense my comment Mummy's boy...

I run a business, and i can tell you, it's hard work, it's stressful, all the time your worring and working your but of whilst other's just mose along in life, saying What? When, you say am i the only one working here? It is "your life" and does consume you some what, although i went out late last night and let my hair down and tonight, hehehe... Sometimes you have to.

He needs to be shaken, not stired.

Does he even understand, forgetting where he wants to live, non-protection of his family, child, but does he even understand all that you are doing? For him?

Now, that i have said all of that......

Your situation is so difficult... He doesn't live with you and only one and a half years married, sounds he's got into a comfort zone and perhaps slightly depressed at the same time... Comfort, stay with Mum, bring you both there, depressed, non commital to making ends meat and equaling all your doing to help, or maybe that's the problem, he can't compete with what you do, you plan, you work, you are raising a child, and he can't compete with your strength, maybe feels the weaker of the two.?

Men can feel like that when the woman is stronger.

Just a thought, as i don't know you two.

CW

"Sheni Godinez, 46, had to borrow money to pay gang members $650 for the right to live in Villa Nueva, home to 500,000 people, many of whom live in zinc-roofed wooden houses." - one news clip!

He is a 'mama's boys' as we say in Alabama. He would go to the end of the earth for his mother... and no, he can never see what I do for him, or if he does he doesn't admit it.. I knew he was selfish when I married him, and honestly I'm okay with him being selfish when it comes to most things, but not the safety of my daughter.

And to top off my beautiful day.... My daughter just started crawling!!! and I tried to call my husband to let him know this wonderful news, he refuses to answer his phone...

I called my mother in law and let her know, I do like her, just am a bit jealous of her now. She loves to talk smack about my husband though, which drives me crazy because I feel the need to defend him....

I dunno.... life is looking pretty sucky today.... maybe tomorrow will be better.

Well, the good thing is you accept him for who he is, and that's worth alot

The bad thing is, he needs to once in a while tell you that he respects what you do ongoing for him.

The reality is, you keep watching that beautiful baby make all those new moves, and keep safe as that's your instinct and instincts of a Mother are there for a reason....

He'll come around....

If he's a mamma's boy, then she's probably perswading him somewhat as well, even if she disses him, she loves him and "he's home" again, even though married and she likes it...

Tomorrow is another day

CW