Thread: why husband watch porn need advise

Just a thought (and everyone feel free to flame me into oblivion for this).
What if you made a deal that whenever he feels like watching porn, you are available to have sex with him instead. It would make it clear to you (and to him) what it is he really wants. He may not really be thinking that it is porn or you - this would make the choice obvious.

I suspect his is addicted - but if he is forced to choose, he couldn't deny it even to himself.

Again, just a thought - in an hour I may realize that it is a idea.

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Just a thought (and everyone feel free to flame me into oblivion for this).
What if you made a deal that whenever he feels like watching porn, you are available to have sex with him instead. It would make it clear to you (and to him) what it is he really wants. He may not really be thinking that it is porn or you - this would make the choice obvious.

I suspect his is addicted - but if he is forced to choose, he couldn't deny it even to himself.

Again, just a thought - in an hour I may realize that it is a idea.

This is actually a great idea. I get the impression from her post that he is choosing porn over being with her but then again, I have read some of her other posts that states she witholds sex from him to get what she wants. She is attempting to control or punish him but he is rebelling against her attempt to control him. Viscious cycle. Sex should never be used as a weapon. If anything, it should be the means to an end. End of an argument, end of a bad day, end of the night, end of the superbowl...heh. If he is not choosing her over porn when the option is there then he is probably addicted and needs some help. However, she needs to get her controlling, jealous, and punishing ways under control as well.

Originally Posted by anonymouswhitefemale

and if you aren't providing him with it you cannot fault his getting it elsewhere.

now, this is bullsh*t. your offense at his watching porn is born from your desire to be desired by him. his watching porn is either OK or not OK. it won't depend on whether or not you're giving him sex.

that's like saying stealing food is OK if you're in need of a drug fix. stealing is wrong, regardless of any other considerations.

2 different issues - both important. you shouldn't deprive each other of sex. nor should either of you watch porn.

your situation is really common - and very inconvenient for proponents of porn use. folks who advocate for porn like to say it's harmless. your situation proves that not to be the case.

keep that in mind as you read people's replies. folks who love porn have a vested interest in minimizing your problem - and laying it at your feet, rather than your husband's.

everything you're experiencing is normal - and it's painful. you feel inadequate, which creates even more distance in your sex life, which makes you feel even more hopeless about his use of porn, etc. you're not wanting to be naked in front of him is absolutely normal. you feel like you're competing with other women who he has demonstrated affection for.

a common response is to ignore it. i suspect you'll be unable to do that - and i wouldn't advise it. at best, you just numb yourself to your intuition & hope he can use it recreationally. at worst, you numb yourself to your intuition & harbor resentment - and learn one day that he's developed really prurient interests that have manifested themselves in embarassing, maybe even criminal activity.

happens all the time.

to answer your question - why does he watch porn when he has you...

i don't know specifically why b/c i don't know him. but i can assure you it has little to do with sex. porn delivers, emotionally & chemically, a false sense of satisfaction of many needs that go largely unmet in adult males. he can't recognize that it's an imposter - and he can't deny the strong influence it has - so he can't resist it.

when you take it away, he feels a panic that he can't explain. why is porn so important? he doesn't know. he knows it shouldn't be - but yet it is. you're taking away a powerful rush of endorphins that create the same powerful connections that tie people to addictive cocaine use.

plus, you're making him feel trapped, not free.

you're not wrong. it's just that he probably can't handle it. and, honestly, he may not want to.

you have to pull pretty deep to confront & recognize a porn addiction, let alone deal with it. it requires a lot of reflection, introspection, and the ability to consider some very hard-hitting realities. some men simply don't have the desire or motivation - others seem to lack the ability, to be honest.

it's possible - but make no mistake, it's hard. all the voices around you (& him) screaming taht porn is OK make it that much harder.

regardless of any of that, though, it's important (for your sanity AND for the hope of your resolving this with him) for you to understand:

1. you don't have to compete with the women in porn - even though they're often beautiful & they do things most women won't, that ironically is NOT what ties guys to porn. so competing with their looks & trying all kinds of sex acts may spark some excitement (go ahead if you're inclined, no problem), it will not reverse the powerful hold porn has on your husband. this is by far the most difficult hurdle for couples to get over in seeing this issue from each other's perspective.

2. the women in porn are not necessarily better lovers than you are, just because they do things that attract your husband. this may seem like a restatement of the above - but it's not. this is an important, unique misunderstanding that most women inherit when they go through this. sure, there are women in porn who are drop-dead sexy. there are women who will never do porn who are even sexier. so what. porn uses some pretty advanced strategies to make it's product exactly what it needs to be in order to hook guys like your husband: unbelievable. most guys who use porn are just like your husband - they're guys who have all the sex they want. porn portrays what guys like that can NOT have - unbelievable sex. in other words, impossible sex. they watch girls doing things that look unbelievable because they really didn't happen that way. this is really harmful because it leads them - and you - to believe that it really did happen that way. then you're both screwed: he wants what he'll never find & you want to do what you'll never be able to.

bottom line: don't buy the lie & don't get on that treadmill. it's an insatiable desire that can't be satisfied with better sex.

make sure you really internalize both of those concepts - and if you really want to delve into this issue, do some research. you'll find plenty of porn stars on the net talking about their experiences & revealing the behind the scenes activities that don't make it past the cutting room. blood, shots of antibiotics to the genitals during filming, ungodly infections.

you need to be OK with yourself. don't let porn - or your husband's use of it - rob you of your self worth. guys who compare their wives to porn stars have been blinded.

don't let that happen to yourself.

i just started reading this book titled "For women only" and its amazing. it helps women understand the way men think. i'll try not to make this too long, but it talks about why many men look at porn and get addicted. try to stay with me here. one of the most important things to a woman is to feel loved by her man, right? well in the same way, men need respect (anyone can run this by their man if they are skeptical). that is how they feel loved. please don't think i am accusing you of doing any of the following, but you just might put it to thought. our husbands NEED to fell 100% respect from their wives, just like we NEEd to feel 100% loved by our husbands. men feel respect when we are apprectiative, uplifting, and heed their advice. if a wife is constantly not trusting her husband (with desicions of any kind, for example), putting him down in public OR private, not taking care of her self phyically, nagging him about work, etc. he feels VERY disrepected. if a wife is focusing more on her kids than her husband he feels neglected, disrepected, and UNLOVED.

it goes on to say that many men get addicted because they feel disrespected in other areas of their life. but when they look at porn they get not only an adrenaline rush from the images, but a burst of confidence they are lacking elsewhere. the women in those pictures make them feel like they are king of the world. it sounds silly, but it is a way for men to escape and feel good about themselves. alot of times porn addiction isn't completely about SEX. it can have a lot to do with self confidence. has he been doing well at work? does he feel like a good provider? does he feel like a good father? like the kids respect him? do you put him down in public/private with either your words or actions?

now don't make the mistake of me saying that your husband's porn problem is in any way your fault. it might not have anything to do with the way you look either. the fact that he looks at porn eventhough you are their to get him off instead, really points to the fact that its probably not about the sex. men are very insecure, moreso than us women realize and their egos depend greatly on US!

stay strong sister! there is no need for you to consider giving up on your man! I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE YOU TO GET THAT BOOK!!!! it is a real eye opener. it might be hard, but maybe your husband is really hurting on the inside and just doesn't know how to deal with it. there is also a book called "For men only". my husband and i am reading them and they have changed our relationship. so i will be praying for you and i truly hope this helps. love you girl!

Originally Posted by whilhelm

now, this is bullsh*t.

I won't get into a protracted debate with whilhelm, since we've been there before and it never ends sensibly.

However, I will say, that whilhelms point of view is based firmly in conservative christian belief, and that's where he draws his viewpoints from. If you, too, are a person of christian moral character, then by all means feel free to lap it all up. If you're slightly more about the way the world actually is, and understanding human nature, then take my way.