Fiance and his mother

**Kittie0251** · 08-06-2008 08:58 PM

So my fiance is extremely close with his mother because she is basically the family that he has. i dont mind when we go to lunch or dinner with his mother but its getting alittle much..its like im dating the both of them because shes there so much... I mean, he does ask if i mind if she comes along usually i say i dont mind because i dont want to hurt his feelings.. I know how important she is to him so i just let it go...Does anyone have the same problem or know what i can do about it??

i also feel like we have to do everything in the world to make her happy but when it comes down to my parents he could care less.. I think the situation is getting worse because he doesnt want to leave for more than a couple days because he gets worried that shes alone...And when he comes to visit my family or something she gives him a guilt trip about it which makes it even worse...

**Fire(m)** · 08-13-2008 06:25 PM

There's nothing wrong with what you're thinking. I agree with you. I'm not sure what the solution is, but I do agree with you that it's a problem.

I don't want to generalize, but if you spend much time on these forums (or just in real life), you see that there seems to be an inordinate number of relationships that have some pretty significant one-sidedness (if that's a word) with regard to one issue or another. I too am not unaffected by this in my own relationship.

It wouldn't bother me at all if he was that close to his mom and then acted like your family was as important too. The fact that he doesn't appear to realize that is bothersome...as if you didn't matter as much in the relationship as he does. Hmmm.

Sorry I can't offer any real good advice. If I could I'd probably fix my problems too. This is a very valid question though, so I hope some others weigh their thoughts in here and maybe someone can offer you a solution.

In the meantime, good luck.
Cheers.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-13-2008 06:37 PM

Sorry that we missed this thread, from beginning of July and great that Fire(m) found it.

I dated a guy (very, very, briefly) like this. It was horrible. Even Easter, we got the same chocolates in front of each other with a statement of "to my two favourite girls", he still lived at home with her.

I think she is quite controlling and won't let go and he is "mummy's boy" protecting as she is on her own.

Your "family" I am assuming that you still have both, a Mother and Father and If I am right, then that means that he sees that you still have both so it's not important.

As Fire(m) has stated (if you return), it's a bother that he doesn't acknowledge equally and that's what a relationship is all about.

Kittie0251
And when he comes to visit my family or something she gives him a guilt trip about it which makes it even worse...

I would also hasard at a guess that she is extremely lonely and has no one and can't handle loosing her son, assuming she lost her husband and can't get over that fact and I'm tending to think he's the only child?

He needs to get her out and join hobbies, groups, thinks that she can mingle with other people with and enjoy so she's not so dependent of him.

CW

**rachel77** · 08-14-2008 01:18 PM

I dont have positive advice on this either, unfortunately. I have been through this exact situation. I was married to a wonderful man who was also very close to his mother. Im a pretty strong and independent woman, where she was not, and I am not very argumentative so I never stood up to her directly. I always respected her, and also the fact that she was his mother. She adored me for taking good care of her son and our home, and that made it even harder for me to dislike her constant intrusion into our life. She was a good person, but needed to constantly be involved in our life and the decisions we made.. every single decision we made from buying curtains to where we went on vacation. Now, Im not a controlling person, however I do not tolerate very well with being controlled.. and she was constantly trying to tell us what to do with our lives. It was aweful and he kept telling me once we were married she would accept him as an adult, and now husband, and would "let go." She never let go even a little bit, and it was a major problem in our life, in fact it was one of the very few things we ever fought about. He didnt want to hurt his moms feelings by telling her she needed to back off (being not as strong emotionally as I am,) so there was very little that could ever be done. It was very bad, she would call the house at least 5 times every single day. If she called and we didnt call back within 10 minutes she would drive over, knock on the door, if we didnt answer she would let herself in. No Kidding.. these are just a few examples!
I wish I could offer some advice to help, and I dont want to be negative, but Im not sure theres much you can do. Youre not going to change his relationship with his mom. I think youll really just have to ask yourself if you can deal with his relationship with his mom. Also, I wouldnt hide youre feelings about it, youre getting married and there is no way youll be able to hide the way you feel forever. The longer you wait to tell him, the less he might be able to do to adjust to your feelings.
I have to assume he is an only child as well, or perhaps the youngest child.
Best wishes to you in planning your wedding and talking to him about this.

**Kittie0251** · 08-18-2008 08:00 PM

Thanks for replying...He actually is not an only child, he is the oldest of two. His mother never married and his father passed away years ago but he was not involved in his life. Its kind of funny because she treats his younger brother better than she treats him and that bothers me too. She is exactly the same way as all of you are describing, she calls his cell every 10 minutes until he answers and its getting out of hand now...i tried to talk to my fiance about it, at first he was angry about it but he eventually cooled off..he took it the wrong way but now i think she is starting to get on his nerves too with all the calling and nagging...
As for being lonely, i dont want to sound cold hearted but i feel like she does it to herself. She has friends but she just doesnt bother....doesnt want to go get coffee or have a chat or anything...I dont get it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 08-18-2008 08:28 PM

Originally Posted by Kittie0251

Thanks for replying...He actually is not an only child, he is the oldest of two. His mother never married and his father passed away years ago but he was not involved in his life. Its kind of funny because she treats his younger brother better than she treats him and that bothers me too. She is exactly the same way as all of you are describing, she calls his cell every 10 minutes until he answers and its getting out of hand now...i tried to talk to my fiance about it, at first he was angry about it but he eventually cooled off..he took it the wrong way but now i think she is starting to get on his nerves too with all the calling and nagging...
As for being lonely, i dont want to sound cold hearted but i feel like she does it to herself. She has friends but she just doesnt bother....doesnt want to go get coffee or have a chat or anything...I dont get it.

Not cold hearted.

Seems she's a tad manipulating, attention seeking and your Fiance I would guess reminds her of her late husband. Where as his brother does not.

My ex's Grandma is like this. She puts him down and favours the other all because he reminds her of the ex-husband of her daughter and she never liked him.

Perhaps this has some weight on it...

CW

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