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Reply With QuoteWell, they say it is never too late. Do things that interest you. Talk to him. Try to fix it. If you can't, you can still be happy. People separate/divorce in their older years all the time. Maybe try a therapist?
Help! Married for 36 years and it's never been right
Anyone else have the same problem? Just don't know where to go or who to turn to!
It never has been right from day one. We have nothing in common except 3 great kids and 4 wonderful grandkids. No communication, it's alway been about him. His activities, friends etc. He has no idea I am writing this...he's to busy with his golfing etc. I just feel lost and confused. Would feel guilty breaking up the family. We never fight, we don't sleep together because of his snoring. I have never been happy with him, but hide behind our kids. I think they all know, but even though they are all grown and married, will not burden them with my feelings. They love their dad too. I know I need help to stay in this marriage or do I just leave and start over at age 57
Well, they say it is never too late. Do things that interest you. Talk to him. Try to fix it. If you can't, you can still be happy. People separate/divorce in their older years all the time. Maybe try a therapist?
La Vita Loca
Hi White,
I feel for you. My situation is/was different, but ...
the woman I now have a relationship with left her husband (not because of me) after 30+ years of marriage becuase she finally realised that things were not right, had not been for 30 years, and at some point you have to change.
You did not say what age your children are, but you have grandchildren, so they must be adults. My children (all adults) have told me many times, they just want me to be happy.
Starting over at 57 is tough, but life is not a rehearsal! You have lots of good years left. Do not waste them. Either fix the relationship or get out. Try couple counselling to see if maybe he can change.
Of course the kids love thier father. And they love you also. Breaking up the relationship does not require them to change thier feelings towards either of you. They will still love both of you.
Unless you take action you will be asking yourself the same question at 67. Make a plan. What do you and he have to do to try to save the relationship? etc. etc.
Then go over the plan with him. Don't be agressive. don't make the problems HIS fault. Make them BOTH our your problems. "We have to work together on these things."
You did not mention your sex life, but I assume it it not great. My lady friend is about 5 years younger than you. we do not live together. After we have spent a weekend together she can barely walk, and sitting down needs to be done carefully. And I'm not trying to boast. We have fun together. and I have ED problems big time. But we work around it.
Please do not wait. Take action. Try hard to fix it. Set targets. If you don't meet them, then move on. And you will not be starting over. you have your children and grand children and your friends.
I wasted 10 years of my life in a relationship that was not bad, but was not good enough. Ten years i'll never get back! Please don't you do that. Try to learn from my mistakes.
Good luck.
Never feel your too old.... You may live until 99, that's 40 years away...
You don't have and haven't had anything to make you smile for years, so you won't be missing anything...
If it's all about him, start living your own life. In-cluding him cooking his meals on a BBQ for himself.
Whilst your still living at home, get involved in Social Groups, come and go as you please and make it known to him that this is your life to so your going to have one.
Do things you love. Buy a Camera and start albumns that reflect things you like, go to the Zoo for instance, and take shots... Start to see the beauty in what's out there as life goes and you'll see it in yourself as well.
Two things will happen.
One, you will no longer be afraid to make your own life, as you have been creating one whilst stilling living at home and you can make that choice to do so.
or:
Two, he will see the selfishness and desire of growing old together and change enough for you to be content, whilst you still have gained your own independance.
If you run cold turkey you may get depressed, feel down as you already are in a worse state and that's not going to help you.
Lastly, let the kids know as you start to build your new life that trust me, you will enjoy and ask why you didn't start thinking for yourself long ago...
So if you choose to leave, then they understand and can cope with it.
It is your life and you need to be happy.
Sometimes, not being direct but showing strength and grown can scare the ... out of a person into understanding and being logical.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
Hi Whiteteeth,Originally Posted by whiteteeth
I would advice you two things:
1) get some professional help from a marriage council
Now, don’t put your expectations too high, your husband is most probably not going to want to go there with you and if he does, he will not be willing to deal with his issues, because he absolutely believes he has none!
The only reason why I still recommend you to go there, is because it will make it absolutely crystal clear to you that this marriage will never make you happy, it just want: fact!
2) get yourself a boyfriend
This will make you feel young, attractive, sexy, a woman! In the case you decide to leave your husband it will also help you through this awful period of moving out. Now don’t get me wrong, the chances of this new relationship being the right one for you are very slim. The sole purpose of it, is to make you feel better about yourself, give you more self-confidence and help you to be more selfish. You obviously have an issue there.
Don’t worry about the kids, they will come by eventually and the period they don’t ? Well, it’s their problem not yours.
Oh yes, one more little advice, if you would decide to leave, set yourself a time frame during witch you will life alone; “nobody can move in with me for the next 5 years” as an example. You need some time on your own, to discover who you are, whiteteeth herself. Not the wife of mister x.
Been there, done that.
Good luck.
At least he doesn't torment you
I agree that life is short and you have a lot of years ahead of you and you deserve to be happy and true to yourself. However, divorce can be so difficult and disruptive both emotionally and financially. You are lucky that he doesn't torment you. Some men are so possessive and jealous. I think I would branch out, make new women friends, enjoy my hobbies, and socialize with my women friends. Well, this is just a thought, good luck to you.
My mum stayed in an unhappy realtionship with my dad for around 40 years. All they had in common was us, their 3 kids. He didnt engage with us, his family, just 'existed' alongside. My mum tried to keep everything together on her own which can't have been easy.
I used to tell my mum that she would be better off without him around but she just stuck with it because it's what you're 'supposed' to do when you're married. No-one wants to break up a family, however dysfunctional it is...
However, in the past 6 years my dad has moved back to his home country and my mum has stayed here, going to 'dances' as she calls them, bingo, festivals (!), abroad with friends etc. Basically she has only just started living her life and is a different person, living for herself. Always out and about, great social life whereas when she was with my dad she did nothing, was probably too depressed.
My mum turned 60 a few years ago and her enjoyment of life has definitely just begun!
I would hate to end up feeling unhappy and trapped in a marriage for so long. My mum's example gives me hope and encouragement that my husband will be able to start his life again when we inevitably split up (another story).
Get out and there and start living, that's what I say
You can try till the cows come home.
But if two people can not try together, you will just keep trying because you believe in the word. "Marriage", because you have a heart, a soul, because you feel a "friendship" because you have a "form of love" ....
But nothing is perfect. Everything has problems. Everything should be "tried to overcome" but in the end?
If you have given all you have got?
If it can not turn around even 25%
If you can not make those dreams reality?
Then find your dream..
We have ONE life and only ONE....
love is such a difficult word.
Is it that he/she was our first love?
Is it that they were our only love?
Is it that we chose that love but didn't look deep for whom were are?
Is it that we are so giving?
Is it that they are not?
Are we alive, they are not, we can breathe and grow they can not.
Is it that we chose the wrong partner to start with?
AND each day we TRY to capture our dream, wants and desires
but it can not be. No matter how hard we try.
One day, one day, it will dwindle to the point of no return...............
or one day we will accept that that is all we are, and we will remain through thick and thin because, that is all we know..
We will forget who we are. And survive.
Or
We will focus on , that is all we are.
Think hard.
CW
Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 09-24-2008 at 07:04 AM.
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
Hi there..please contact me..I am in a similar situation
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