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This is so funny, it was sent to me entitled " I laughed Until I Cried" and I did!!
WAX is "Not your Friend"
All hair removal methods have tricked women
with their promises of easy, painless removal - The
epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
My night began as any other normal weeknight.
Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had
the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for
the next few hours: "Maybe I should pull the waxing
kit out of the medicine cabinet." So I headed to the
site of my demise: the bathroom.
It was one of those "cold wax" kits. No melting a
clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in
your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and
press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull
the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be?
I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am
mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.
(YA THINK???)
So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing
each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them
together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer
and heat it to 1000 degrees. ("Cold wax," yeah...right!)
I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around
it tight and pull. It works! OK, so it wasn't the best
feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this!
Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah,fighter
of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth
skin extraordinaire.
With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the
kids, sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting
championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.
Using the same procedure, I apply the one strip across the
right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my *hoo-hoo*
and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek
(Yes, it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....
RRRRIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! Vision
returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.
OH NO! What have I done???!!! Another deep breath and RRRIIIPPP!!
Everything is swirly and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay
conscious...Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...
OK, back to normal.
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has
caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.
I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair.
I hold up the strip! There's no hair on it. Where is the hair???
WHERE IS THE WAX??? Slowly I ease my head down, foot
still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should
be on the strip. I touch. I am touching wax.
WHAT?! I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my
body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.
Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is
still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something.
So I put my foot down. My LIFE FLASHES BEFORE ME!!!!!!
I hear the slamming of a cell door.
My *hoo-hoo*? Sealed shut! Butt?? Sealed shut!
I penguin-walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what
to do and think to myself, "Please don't let me get the urge
to poop. My head may pop off!" What can I do to melt the wax?
Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!!! I'll run the hottest water I can
stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and
the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? WRONG!!!!!!!
I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.
Now, the only thing worse than having your nether, regions glued
together is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom
of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt
cold wax.
So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had
cement-epoxied myself to the porcelain!!
God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to
have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!
I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some
secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter
"So, my butt and *hoo-hoo* are glued together to the bottom of the
tub!"
There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal
but she does try to hide her laughter from me.
She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, "Are we
talking cheeks or *hoo-hoo*?"
She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the
rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.
YEAH!!!!! Right!!
Like I should be the joke of someone else's night.
While we go through various solutions. I resort to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Nothing feels better then to have your girlie goodies
covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water
and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!
By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major dive and
I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling
for this event. My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my
saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on
and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared
the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care.
"IT WORKS!! It works!!"
I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up.
I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to
my grief and despair....
THE HAIR IS STILL THERE....... ALL OF IT!!!!!!!!!!
So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now.
Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair color......
I'll let you know how that goes
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09-22-2008, 09:38 AM
A Real Funny
