Furious about something that's never happened to me.

**ThexMrs** · 02-10-2009 12:25 AM

I wasn't sure if I should post this here or in the Mental Health section because I think it applies to both.

So what am I furious about? Cheaters!

I have never been cheated on nor have I ever cheated but when I hear about it, whether a friend is telling about another friend or really any situation that has to do with cheating, I become livid.

I'm wondering if this is psychological because my father cheated on my mother once and she forgave him. The second time they got a separated and ended up getting a divorce. (I was 8 years old but 11 when the divorce was final) After they separated my father moved away and eventually out of the state and I hardly ever saw him. In the end my father committed suicide. (I was 11) It was three weeks after the divorce was final though that wasn't the reason he did it.

So is this psychological or not?

I mean I really get upset when this topic comes up. I will even put in little digs about the person who cheated.

Another thing that I didn't want to put in this post but probably should is that my current boyfriend cheated on his last girlfriend but that isn't the worse part; Before he was with her he cheated with his best friend's wife... Twice. In the beginning of our relationship I hung him for it. I would always bring it up during an arguement but learned that the past is the past. He was in his early twenties when he did what he did with his best friend's wife. I know that doesn't justify it but I think that he has grown up since then. As for the ex girlfriend, she cheated on him first.

Okay, there you have it.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-10-2009 01:04 AM

I have moved this to Lounge, as it's a topic you wish to discuss.

Before he was with her he cheated with his best friend's wife... Twice.

I firstly feel that when it is close to your heart such as family, you can sometimes think that it will happen regardless, that is the way of the World. Not so.

I am really sorry about your Father, however, perhaps there were other issues at hand, as to why he committed suicide my ex-husband's Father also did this and cheated.. My ex-husband wouldn't run away with another woman, but he would with a car, true story.

Physcologically, it has possibly affected you somewhat, but then I don't understand why you are with a Man whom did the same therefore, seeing as it makes you so mad and I assume this man has been honest with you and through your discussions of your Father, he opened up and told you the truth about himself, however, that being years ago.

People make mistakes, and they can change.

Maybe you have changed, as you accept this Man.

Have to warn you though you can't put digs here if someone comes on with a thread about cheating, it's not allowed...

I can tell you that I have been married, and engaged and in 2 other long term relationships, and none of them cheated...

I think that it boils down to the individual person as to whether they have Morals or not, that's my Opinion.

CW

**ThexMrs** · 02-10-2009 01:30 AM

Thank you.

Yes, there were other reasons for why my father committed suicide. It's a long story and very personal. I don't wish to discuss that here. It's a really tough subject for me.

I have never thought about how I have accepted this man and yet I get completely livid when my friends talk about it. All I really know is that I have no tolerance for it. Well... I know one reason I accept him and what he has done in the past is because I do love him. I understand that people make mistakes and I have no fear of him cheating on me.

You don't have to worry... I would never be disrespectful to anyone on this site.

I just really don't know...

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 02-10-2009 01:39 AM

That's strange if you think about it?

And, I respect your privacy no problem.

But, you do accept what this man did in his past, and it being a wife, which is often the case, or visa versa hey.

But, not what your friends tell you and how mad you get over it....

Could it be that you can associate what your Father did with these people, but where love is concerned there is forgiveness?

I am one that will say "walk" don't cheat, walk away and do what you want, if you are no longer happy with whom you are with....

So I get that alot of people get up-set and alot of people get cheated on and it hurts like buggery and takes ages and ages, to realise it wasn't your fault, or you and that you can move on and find better.

I don't get why you don't like it but accept it in your relationship, hense the question...

Don't suspect you know either, it's interesting... perhaps other's can put their views and see if anything makes sense...

Unfortunately, you stated that your man did as well and so it becomes part of this thread hey.

CW

**sassie** · 02-10-2009 07:47 AM

Wow to be so livid over cheaters and to be with someone who has cheated in the past really doesn't make sense. But in saying that I know where you are coming from the only difference is my husband cheated on me just 5 months ago after being together for almost 14 years.

When it's not you who is going through being cheated on your feelings are so to speak set in stone as you can say anything you want until you are in the situation as the situation at hand is harder to deal with then if your sitting on the other side of the fence. I always used to say that if a man cheats why do the women stay are they stupid, so they have no respect for themselves. Reading just now after typing it really hits me hard as that is exactly my own words and now I am living the pain by choice. I have chosen to stay with my husband even with what he has done and yes it hurts but when you love someone with your whole heart you start to look at things in a different light.

I guess the bottom line about cheaters is that you can say all you want to everyone out there who stays with someone whom cheated on them but until you actually live through the cheating yourself you really can't say how you will handle things. Life is like a roller coaster it has it's ups and downs, good and bad but when you love someone you have to sit back take a deep breath and decide what will work for you not for anyone else as only you know what you can handle and what you can't. Follow you heart and it will lead you to the road that works for you and keep in mind that today is a good day for you and your relationship so don't judge someone else if their day isn't so good things happen in life and everyone has to deal with them in their own way.

**WildChild** · 02-10-2009 08:06 AM

You should examine this because it must affect your relationship. It's impossible for it not to. I've been cheated on more than once and it hurts but I don't carry it. In a way your father not only cheated on your mother, he cheated on you. He cheated you out of having him there, having his love and being able to give your love.

I've known a number of people who have dealt with this and been unable to really let go, it taints every relationship. There is a well of hate just waiting for them to drink or fall in. For someone who loves or cares for them it is like a field full of land mines and that's assuming that person hasn't cheated. You are in a relationship with someone who has cheated in the past, you have to ask yourself and dig deep: do you really trust him? Or are you setting up situation which will fullfill an expectation, or fit a script you have for being cheated on?

**ThexMrs** · 02-12-2009 01:53 AM

No, it totally is strange. I think you are definitely on to something though. I do think that where my heart is, where my love is, is forgiveness and that is why I accept his past and what he did. Also, he's 36 now and when he had sex with his best friend's wife, he was 25. At that age yes, you know it's wrong but I don't think he was mature at that point. I think then, he was out for himself possibly. I just love him... That's what I know.

I went to see my therapist today and I brought this up. He thinks, as did I, that this has something to do with my father. He told me that my father cheated on me by doing what he did and my mother as well for the things she has done and continues to do to me.

**ThexMrs** · 02-12-2009 01:57 AM

Sassie:

I'm very sorry to hear that this has happened to. I don't claim to know how I would react. In a relationship that I was in, I thought that he could cheat on me but only because at that point I was insecure about myself. I set up a fake account (which I would never ever do again) just to catch him. He never did anything. He didn't even respond. Before I figured that out though, I told my friends that even if I did find something, I didn't think that I would be able to leave because I loved him. So I do know that it's hard even if it was just a , "what if?"

**ThexMrs** · 02-12-2009 02:18 AM

WILDCHILD:

It no longer affects the relationship I have with my boyfriend. It did in the beginning. I hung him for his past and for his cheating. I always brought it up until I exhausted him over it. Now I have accepted that he made a mistake and we are all human. It was over 10 years ago. I have no reason to hold that against him. I also have NO FEAR WHATSOEVER that he would cheat on me. There isn't a doubt in my mind that he is faithful.

**WildChild** · 02-12-2009 07:17 AM

If you can move past this, that's great. With my first husband dealing with the first affair was rather high drama as he threatened to kill himself if I left. When we hit nos. 2 &3, and then back to no 1 (she had moved out of state but he kept up a stream of letters and phone calls) I got more cynical and finally lowered the boom. I know there were others. I don't have any real issues with jealousy but have had men in my life who were cheated on in the past and never got over it. It tainted every realtionship they had.

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