is it me or them?

**mewhenim** · 03-07-2009 02:37 PM

So my husband recently left me (I say recently, it was about 5 months ago now). For the 5 years we were together I was faithful. Unfortunatly for those 5 years I was incredibly sexually frustrated. The best way I can explain is to say I love sex like a man, I could have sex 5 times a day every day and still want more. Having sex usually just makes me want more sex! And why not? I feel like, that was awsome, I wanna do that like 20 more times haha. Anyway, he unfortunatly liked sex like a lot of women... hardly ever. He was always too tired or had a head ache, we we did it he enjoyed it, but it was hard to catch him before he went to sleep or just wanted to go to sleep. Anyway, 5 years, never strayed... became very depressed and self conscious, but never cheated... Oddly enough, my depression is why he said he couldn't be with me anymore (a-hole!). So now, I'm starting to move on with my life and as you can imagine, as much as I love sex, I'm not really getting much, I'm too picky and std terrified to just sleep with random people. I finally found a friend who would do the deed and I thought I was in the clear, both of us are happy at keeping our relationship at that, unfortunatly when I called like 2 days later to see if he wanted to play he was busy, this went on for a week or 2 and finally I just told him I'd rather you just tell me you don't wanna hang out really anymore than make up excuses and I can try to move forward with someone else. He gave me the no offence, but I think I'd rather be by myself... ok, whatever, no feelings hurt, I stop calling. Then last week (3 weeks after I last "saw" him) he sends a text, I don't recognise the number (lost my phone and all numbers) and so I call back, he asks if I wanna come over and I've had a rough day so I do. I asked him what was up and why he didn't want to play. He was worried I was wanting more, I reassured him I didn't and it seemed to go well... twice that night. (the last time we had sex 5 times in 1 night!) So I know he's up to it, and it's not a stamina thing, and now again, he's not returning my texts really. Now I'm not hurt, and I know he just wants sex, so do I, my question is why doesn't he want it more?!?!?! Is it me, or do I just keep picking guys with a low sex drive?

**WildChild** · 03-07-2009 03:08 PM

Why do you think that men always want it and women don't? Not true. We see so much of it here, women who aren't getting what they want or need because the men in their lives aren't into it. There are members of both genders with high sex drives and low. The real trick seems to be matching them up!

The thing with a sex buddy is pretty much the same thing as with any relationship involving sex. Gettting to a place where you both want it at the same time. Not being in close contact you have less opportunity to get each other's rhythm.

**mewhenim** · 03-07-2009 05:16 PM

I know sex drives go both ways for both sex's, but only wanting sex like once a month and then doing it like 5 times, this is crazy! I just feel most men want sex relatively frequently, I'd never been with anyone that didn't want it almost all the time before and now 2 in a row...

**WildChild** · 03-07-2009 07:12 PM

They can drive you crazy, can't they? Guess we drive them nuts sometimes too. I'd really like a formula to find someone well matched but then there is no guarantee it would stay that way. I'm with you a few times a day would be nice, a quickie, something nice and slow and playful, a little romance now and then but such is life, there's always imagination....

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-08-2009 12:01 AM

I think wildchild put it best, since you guys aren't spending a lot of time together or are in close proximity like living together or going on dates and setting a mood etc.. its hard to line up when you are BOTH feeling frisky and BOTH have the time.

Are you not looking for a relationship right now and just want single sex or is this something to fill the urges til you find the right guy? I think what the media and macho guys would have us believe is that men are the ones with all the drive and women are less into it, but from what I have seen on these boards alone that is far from the truth.

I think when you are first dating/seeing each other the guys are more into sex with you because they don't know when they will get it again so they hate to pass up a chance lol. But when guys are in committed relationships and they know they can expect sex (especially with a very horny partner) whenever they want. In that situation it comes to the light that mens drives arent quite as high as we all thought they were.

I don't think our drives have to match our partners to be happy as long as consideration is given for both. Sometimes when one is not in the mood and you are, let it go - masturbate or cold shower it. Sometimes when one is the mood and you are not - do something to please them sexually anyway.

Its a give and take as long as BOTH parties care about making the other happy enough to sacrafice now and then either to do it when they'd rather sleep or to give other a break even though they'd rather be doing it.

If your partner wasn't compromising with you then it wasn't you, it was them.

As much as I love sex, and I love it, I prefer the closeness with my boyfriend - I can always make myself orgasm whenever I want, I like it best when he does it - but I can do it myself whenever I feel like it. But his love and cuddles I can't recreate without him so that matters most.. to me. His job is more stressful than mine and sometimes he is more tired than me and I understand that. I am hands on and need a lot of affection, more than he does, and he understands that and gives it to me.

You just have to find someone whether its a friend with benefits or a boyfriend that you can fully communicate with and that will understand your needs and if theirs don't match exactly that they at least care enough to compromise.

**mewhenim** · 03-08-2009 12:20 AM

My time to go is any time, so there isn't a matching issue. As far as compramising, that is sooooo what my husband didn't get.

**Steph33** · 03-12-2009 03:11 PM

My sex life is great, my guy adores me physically. We go at it at some point in some way daily.

But you need all the other stuff aside from an orgasm to be happy, just my opinion.

And when you get sweaty, if has to be in ways you both need and want to sweat (as often as you need to)

This may sound like the dumbest thing I've ever posted. There are times I just feel like laying naked with my guy and talking. We end up having sex, but I just want to lay there and talk.

My BF will lay wrapped around me naked, totally extremly erect, and hungry, and just listen to me and talk to me for hours. I don't know how he does it but I admire and appreciate it.

Most men I ever knew with a hard on want NOW and if they don't get, just get pissed or leave.

I thought my guy was wierd for discussing sex in detail, different aspects, many times LONG before we first did it. I still wonder if we'd be together if I didn't finally get dominante and take him.

Now I think he was smarter. You won't know if you're compatable and will be happy with a sexual partner unless you talk about it bluntly and openly. The time to talk is before you're in bed, not after you're living together, married, dating just 1 person.

**WildChild** · 03-12-2009 08:47 PM

I'd say you are one lucky lady!

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-23-2009 05:25 PM

I don't think there is a difference at all between men and women, rather their attitude towards things.

It's also possible that he doesn't really want to just simply have sex to get his rocks off with a woman he doesn't really know, regardless it kind of makes you feel used.

CW

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