WildChild

OK, I'm dealing with some "stuff" in my life.
Here's one of about 50 questions I've journaled thinking things out.

Do people try to use or seek intense physical experience or connection in place of, or to make up for a lack of, deep emotional connection?

WildChild

Is this part(or all) of the reason why some people are controlling and manipulative.

CHANDLERS WISH

I'm trying to grasp the question WC.

Maybe I am not awake enough yet.

I don't look for an intense "physical or emotional connection", I tend to think that you allow that to "Grow" .

It took me a long time to realise that I am a beautiful person inside with alot to give, and that the more I gave, the more that was taken, but now, my belief is the more I give the more I am just being me, and in that, I will find someone whom likes me for whom I am totally and I have the same belief in whom ever I will end up with in this part of the journey in my life, they are who they are.

When I was younger, much younger, yes, i probably sought after emotional connection, deep emotional connection.

But your setting yourself up for a fall if you seek this in a person instead of growing with a person and seeing those emotions get stronger and stronger, because all you are really doing is "seeking" instead of "being".

I don't see the two go together.

I believe that it's in their makeup to be controlling or manipulative, they are one sided perhaps, it has to be their way.

Put someone who wants emotional intense connection, with a controlling person and the controlling person will win because the emotional person will keep persuing this intensity, whilst the controlling one will feed off of it.

CW

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WildChild

Perhaps I need to expand this a bit. I'm not "looking" for this. I've just been doing a lot of thinking about many things. I got to wondering about people who get heavily into porn or fringe type sexual activity, people who engange in extreme sports, or just people who engage in intense physical experiences (or seek to). We might extend this to people who cut themselves also.

Are trying to fill an emotional void? Is it the lack of a deep emotional connection that drives them to try to fill their needs through physical intensity? A sort misdirected need. Actually I think this is exactly what is happening with most of them. This is also what drives some people to go from sexual partner to partner, they never stay long enough for it to develop or grow into anything deep. They are trying to feed a hunger, fill a need. a void. Like fast food, they don't understand the need for time and interaction and openness.

The thought about people who are controlling or manipulative is that they seek to fill their needs not by caring and growing with someone but by controlling them instead. We hear so much on here about people who have a caring partner but still chase after what are essentially imaginary experiences online or who misuse the one who loves them. I've been through some of this and pretty much labled them jerks - but what motivates it? Why is there so much of it? I just got to thinking they must not feel connected. Really deeply connected. This may go back to childhood or early relationships.
I wondered if anyone else observed this?

Joy

Its excesses... the junkie getting that next hit. Always looking for the high in love and no lows. I think it has to do with personal development. We are all at different growth phases in personal development. We get tangled up with someone on a lower stage and get drug down by a "baseness" or lowest forms of self and its an all out battle.

As people mature thru some stages I think we learn not to place all of our garbage on our s/o. We try to stay balanced and look inward at the enemy instead of outward for an enemy.

At the lower stages of development its all about me-me-me. we are happy aslong as our needs are being met don't care if we are abusing our S/O cause at this stage we are still abusing ourselves.

as we mature we are more aware of the deep emotional connection and are better equiped to handle it.

WildChild

Drug abuse isn't one I'd put in there but I kind of think of drugs and alcohol as a numbing experience - depends on the drug though I guess (not going there, some of my youth is a closed book- LOL)

Joy

well I didn't mean junkie on a drug scene there are love junkies craving that excitment that rush of new love. Its like a drug. In the beginning of relationships its usually all the love and excitment none of the problems. Your S/O thinks your are wonderful and see's all the positives about you. Then the dating mask falls off and you begin to see the cracks and flaws. Sometimes we are so busy looking at this person thru "rose colored glasses" we fool oursevels into believing they are someone else.

The love junkie hops from person to person looking for that perfection and that constant physical connection not looking for the deep emotional attachment and acceptance.

caterpillar79

This hits home, Joy. I wonder how much time it takes for the dating mask to fall off. People/couples seem to have everything in the script and when they don't see it resemble the movies they make up in their minds, they feel like something is wrong with them.

Also, we seem to find it hard to step out of ourselves and see ourselves as we act out our roles in everyday. Sometimes, we fall short in showing our S/O that we are capable of being happy as we are because we constantly crave for that connection.

I know I am not making a lot of sense here... but I am having a hard time figuring out why there are times that you just feel distant and empty even in a very loving relationship. Some fluctuations of emotion? of positive energy and enthusiasm? I can't see it...

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WildChild

Some or maybe all of that, is the infatuation chemicals that flood your system. Depending on the person, they last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years apparently, it really isn't until after they subside that you find out what you really have. That's when you start to see the flaws and have to decide if they are tollerable.

I think the rush of a new relationship would fit in with what I was thinking of except I was looking at the non emotional actions people get into. But one night stands and revolving door relationships would probably fit in there too.

caterpillar79

We often talk about man-woman romantic relationships. Right now, I am thinking about platonic relationship among sexes. There is still a degree of physical contact in this area. Yet, same question applies...Now I am rationalizing...

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Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, but learning how to dance in the rain.