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sleep.. definitely thinking about sleep.. how much i want it... how lovely it would be to just put my head down on the desk here at work and sleep... mmmmmm...
Despite the headache I'm fighting now and the bad day I had yesterday..... I guess I'm happy I just uploaded a new pic here yayy!
lol..... Been thinking about taking a vacation too. Thought I was gonna leave somewhere today but I have to think about what to invest my money in. I might rent a beachhouse for 3 days..I'd love to have a change in scenery. Been in the city too long,and need to see nature.
sleep.. definitely thinking about sleep.. how much i want it... how lovely it would be to just put my head down on the desk here at work and sleep... mmmmmm...
"Life’s a game but its not fair
I break the rules so I don’t care
So I keep doing my own thing
Walking tall against the rain
Victory’s within the mile
Almost there don’t give up now"
I'm sad I can't go to a show that my boyfriend's band is having in Boston tonight.... due to the expired license, they wouldn't let me in. GAH! What the is up with that anyway? It shows my age, it shows my face. People need to take the rods out of their a$$es. I've been with the guy almost a year and have only seen him play at practices. I can't tell if it bothers him or not... I hope not. He says he gets why. They're a great band too, by the way, if anyone ever gets on Myspace....
The upside though is that I'll have a nice night in. Be productive and do my laundry that I've been putting off for 2 weeks, take a nice shower, watch movies that he hates...haha. And I'll be able to sleep in with him for the next 3 days. I'm excited for that.
I've got to be direct
If I'm off please correct
You're standing on my neck....
OH, and I want to buy everything on Karmaloop. EVERYTHING.
I've got to be direct
If I'm off please correct
You're standing on my neck....
Thinking of being juicy
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Im thinking I need a new watch...Something nice...
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. - Robert Bloch
Jared doesn't accept that my best friend is also my ex boyfriend. I understand why he doesn't but what am I to do? I love Marty with all of my heart: as a friend and more. I explained this to Jared in a much more sensitive way and he accepted it at first but now he doesn't. If I were Jared, I would have left me. There is no way that if my boyfriend told me that he still had feelings for his ex that I would stay. What would be the point? Jared will not leave me though. So what happens? We end up in a fight like today. Jared said, "Obviously your friendship with Martin means more than I and our relationship do to you, so..." That is not fair. In my personal opinion whether the feelings for Marty were there or not, I shouldn't have to choose between my boyfriend and my best friend. Now Jared and I aren't exactly speaking. I mean, if he wanted to talk I would talk to him. He wrote a very sweet text after the one I just posted that said, "I do love you. I would give my life for you. If that is not love, then I don't know what is." Decisions have to be made... But I really can't make them at this point and it's tearing my relationships apart.
I talked to Marty tonight... As per usual. He's always the first one to say, "I love you" now. It makes me feel good and I believe that he loves me. Why else would he be looking for work here, willing to move to be with me when all of his family is going to be across the country? He is so attached to his family and that would be really hard on him but he's willing to do this for us.
So what do I do? I don't want to hurt Jared and I try to take his feelings into consideration but it's so hard to just let him go on a "not knowing" basis. It's not that he's my fall back guy though it seems that way. I just don't want to lose the opportunity to fall in love with him if he is the one.
It's all a big mess.
"All the beats and melodies keep realities at bay but what happens when the records done and starts to fade away? Alone within myself again, I try to veil away my pain. The dirty grey surrounding me 'round..... And now I hear no sound."
Just let go of it all and work on you and your situation. You need to find a way to continue your education, can you do some classes online since you aren't able to get to the college from were you are living now? Wanting to love and be loved is a normal desire but right now you need to get yourself in balance and love you first. Then the reat will fall in place.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Reassessing. There are things that have to change - starting with me; what I am doing and expecting. I was so busy putting out all the fires in my life that I allowed someone else to define how I would relate and what was acceptable. Time to create some changes.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Things that were once so good between him (not who you think) and I, have now fallen and crashed down around us. I hate what has happened but how do I let it go? It wasn't my fault... It was his. What's left? An empty shell where a relationship once was.
"All the beats and melodies keep realities at bay but what happens when the records done and starts to fade away? Alone within myself again, I try to veil away my pain. The dirty grey surrounding me 'round..... And now I hear no sound."
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