Tex

Hey Amber, how are things these days?

Amber

My boyfriend broke up with me for good this time yesterday. It was done by email but was probably the best considering everything. I'll tell you why and everything in a few days. I don't think I could get through it now without crying again. I already miss him so much and I don't know when or if I'll ever see him again. But that is mainly because I have to get over him before I can see him again because then it could only be as friends. I have no idea how long it will take but it kills so much right now that it seems like it will take forever. But they always says it heals with time. I'm glad we left on good terms, no fighting or hateful words but as much as I'm glad, that is a tiny piece of me that wishes we didn't. And that is a very tiny piece. But if we had, then I could hate him for all of it and maybe it wouldn't hurt as much. But I can't hate him. I only miss him so much. Here comes the waterworks again. I better stop talking about this.

I do see the sex therapist for the second time, a week from tomorrow. I'm having a hard time working on the relaxing stuff, because of the bf stuff but maybe she can give me other things to try. We shall see.

Amber

After about two weeks of thinking that we do still have a chance but we will have to be seperated for a bit, he comes back telling me that he wanted to end it. He didn't want to string me along and make me wait for him. Remember there were things that he had to work out about himself, I never really knew exactly what it all was but I knew some of it was self asteem issues although it wasn't something that you could guess automatically. I got clues once in a while here and there and then he generalized it the other day.

But in those two weeks he realized there was much more in his life he needed to work out and he didn't know if he would ever be ready to a relationship and it would be unfair for me to wait. He knows how much I want a relationship and it could be years if ever before he would be ready.

Even though he had to overcome all of this, there was something that was still bothering him that I got out of him when I told him to look me up when he is finished, no matter how long it took. I would go on my life but if there was no one in my life maybe we could get back together. But he mentioned the kissing part again. I'm thinking he figures if he can get his self asteem back, then he is going to also want someone who can feel his kiss. But he said if we were meant to be, then you never know. Which probably means no such luck.

The kissing part I really thought through today especially. I guess if I want something to be mad at him it is that he wouldn't want to give us another chance for that. I don't know what to think anymore but it doesn't really matter anyways. Because he is gone. That is definite. I keep telling myself to stop crying and just get on with your life but it hasn't been easy so far. I'll be doing something and something comes up that reminds me of something we had planned to do and then I would remember that it won't happen now because he is gone. He was always good at talking about the future and at first I was weary of that but after a while I joined him in on it. Now it is all just a joke.

I have been laid off from work for some time now and still can't find anything. No guy is going to want me like that so there won't be another guy any time soon. Not that I think I would want that but I do need to get on with me life, which means to stop thinking about him. A new relationship would be one big way to do that. But then I know how hard it was to find him, I can't imagine another guy coming any time soon.

I know everyone says forget about guys, work on yourself. Yah, like finding that job when there are none out there. I'm having no luck on that one. I'm a Corporate Travel Consultant and those jobs are not out there nowadays. I have been looking for close to a year now.

I wish I could just masterbate and get that part over with. People say it feels so wonderful. I could use something that feels good right now. You can't drink alcohol during the day. One big strike against me is I was having the problem to relax before and now it is ten times worse. What very little progress I had with meditation just won't even work anymore.

WildChild

How's, The Kissing School book coming along? I'm a fast reader but am taking that one slowly and absorbing it - I love it!
When I was in 8th or 9th grade I had a guy freind I used to practice with -practice makes perfect, right? LOL
Meditation can come and go, how about just giving your self some time to be medatative? To just sit quietly, light a few candles, put on some Enya, read a good book, maybe a poem, do a little writting, even stretch or do some yoga? I'll try to find some time to write out some guided stuff for you or get you the names of some cds you could pick up.

THis is not something you can force. Just don't give up, sweetie.

__________________
We can only learn to love by loving.

Iris Mudoch, British writer

Amber

I didn't get too far on the kissing book because I was stressed out about my boyfriend. Now the thought of even picking it up is way too depressing. Who knows when I will be kissing again. Not to mention it was the final straw for him. I honestly wonder if I will ever be able to feel something when a guy kisses me.

Thanks WC. I'd be curious to see what CD you can come up. So far i can't find anything that will work for me. It either will put me to sleep which is too relaxing or my mind continues to wander. I'm just not having luck on finding the right music.

I tried Yoga. With my bad knees that turned into a big no no.

Who Enya? I'll see if I can find it on itunes.

Tex

You wanted the emotional connection but weren't quite ready for the physical, he wanted the physical connection but wasn't quite ready for the emotional. So you were both ready for half but just not the half the other person was ready for. Life sucks like that sometimes, but maybe something good will come out of it one day.

Don't worry so much. One day you will find someone again, and you'll be able to enjoy their kisses, their touch, your love making..

Amber

Something that has been really bothering me the last day or two. I plan on asking this to the sex therapist when I see her Thursday but I'm wondering what you guys may think. I use guys as a slang but I'm looking for male or female opinions.

Even though my ex broke up because he had a lot of issues to deal with, he did tell me again in our last emails that me not having a spark when we kiss bothered him. I was truely a virgin last April in every sense of the word and a lot of it is very new, even the mental part of it all. I felt totally clueless in that bed of what to do at all.

I always believed that what inside a man is what truely matters. The first thing that always "attracted" me to a guy is his sense of humor. I love a guy with a sense of humor and it is a must for me. I look for a guy with some smarts upstairs, that he is understanding, and kind. You know that kind of stuff. I never went for the dripping wet gorgeous guys because they made me feel self conscious and also most of those guys can have any women they want so you have a lesser of a chance of keeping him. I look for guys that are nice looking but no Matthew McConaughey.

But now I'm finding out that that may not be good enough. Maybe I didn't find my ex gorgeous enough? So how does it work. The only way I'm going to have sparks when I kiss a guy if he looks like a movie star and he is dripping sex just looking at him? When you guys look at your opposite sex, to have sparks, are they down right gorgeous? I'm getting to start to think, at my age, I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life.

Amber

And to add what I said in the previous post...most men in their late 30's or early forties have beer bellies and their faces don't look like a 20 year old. So they are maybe nice looking or maybe even a little cute but they don't look like something out of playboy. I'm fine with the way these guys look but I guess my sexual appitite is not because I obviously don't have one. I guess when I enter the bedroom, I'm suppose to want to eagerly rip his clothes off or if I see the guy, I'm suppose to want to kiss him to death. That is all part of chemistry, as I have read, something I'm afraid I may never feel.

My ex, I wanted him to hold me or touch my hand and arm and make it tingle like he use to. I loved the feeling of that. That I craved for but I didn't crave the kissing. Why, because he doesn't look like playboy?

OhThereYouAre

I understand what you're saying here.

And I think you may be selling yourself short.

For men looking for women, while looks are an attraction, it's what's inside a woman's head that will keep a man. Physical beauty fades over time. My exes are all exes because they couldn't keep me mentally involved or we weren't on the same page with our thoughts/beliefs.

For example:
A lot of times, the first thing I notice about a woman in a social setting is her behavior, what she's doing, how she is enjoying herself. That first vision alone can make her way more attractive despite what I would think if I were to "rate" her independently of her behavior.

Attitude is a lot. Confidence is a lot. Don't overlook these two powerful attractants.

Now - So are you saying that these really hot guys are what gets your motor going. You are going to have to figure that out yourself. If being intimate with your man wasn't enough, I don't think a fantasy world Matt McConaughey is going to do it, either.

When I look at my g/f yes, there are sparks there. Now, more so than ever, along with feelings of sexual desire, there are also strong feelings of appreciation, too. It's hard to explain, but yes she is my ideal girl in terms of inside and out.

Amber - you aren't going to be alone for the rest of your life. Please remember that you have complete control over your destiny. If there are things you want to work on, you have the time to do it. There are so many ways you can open doors to meeting new people are exploring new things.

__________________
'If you think you can or you can't, you're probably right..."

"It is discouraging how many people are shocked by honesty and how few by deceit..."

"People who lack the sense to question Big Lies always end up in deep trouble..."

"I don't worry about pointing fingers in the past...i operate under the assumption that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future..."

"Build the life you want and then find someone to share it with, someone who fits where you are and where you are going..."

Tex

Amber, there's no 'owner's manual' that tells you what you need to do and think in order to feel a certain way. You have to figure that stuff out by yourself. A big issue in your case is that you don't really have much experience, neither with someone else nor even with yourself. So you still have to learn what turns you on emotionally and physically and you still have to learn how to process your sensual and sexual thoughts and make the most of them.

Of course there needs to be physical attraction but I think you'll find that emotional attraction has more of an influence on physical attraction than the other way around. An average looking guy is gonna look a whole lot more attractive if you discover you have an emotional connection. On the other hand a pretty boy might not be that good looking anymore if you find the two of you are incompatible.

My guess is that your worries interfered in such as way that your brain wouldn't let you feel anything beyond the physical sensation when you were kissing him because you were probably wondering if you were doing a good job, if he liked kissing you, what you should do next, etcetera.