For the sake of...
Sometimes, I just need to write...so if any of you want to proof-read and tell me that this post blows, go right ahead...but be forewarned...I may snap and tell you to eat me.
So if I annoy you, dont read this. Go somewhere else. The people that matter to me the most will read this...and they will help me get through this. They have been more of a family to me than my own family has been. Which is why I call CW my mum...she is my mum.
I dont mean to be an attention "harlot" by any means, but I have issues, and I just need to type until my fingers cramp...or until I run out of my vodka cranberry.
I am sitting here in bed...with the ex just in the next room, with my music blasted...typing. I just feel so stressed out.
I miss him so much. I look into his eyes, and my eyes immediately begin to tear up. I hate the power he has over me. But he knows me, inside and out. He finishes my sentences all of the time. And he can be so sweet. He went out and came home with flowers for me. I looked at him, and said "flowers die".
Bills suck. I wish I was still young...and had no cares in the world. I HATE asking for help. It makes me feel like a failure.
My step-mom the other day snapped on me...for no reason, and when I tried to tell my dad how I felt, all I got in return was MORE snapping. Yeah, thanks dad...take her side. We all know she married you for your money.
This bill situation is driving me nuts. On the 13th, my cell gets turned off unless I can miraculously come up with 400.00 CDN to pay for the darn thing.
My dad says I've lost my gumption. No. Its the fact that I just did you a major favor by cleaning and cooking for you and your wife...and I didn't even get a simple thank-you.
And the fact that I dropped out of college makes my family mad. HELLO...I have never felt good enough for college. BECAUSE OF MY DARN FAMILY.
I was in MED SCHOOL....nope...still not good enough.
WHAT EVER!
I did what they told me to. I was a good girl. Now Im full. And I find myself turning to pot for a quick fix. Just to get all of the noise out of my head...even for five minutes. Maybe Im becoming an addict. I feel as if I cannot function without a few hits. I feel horrible admitting all of this, but yeah...whatever.
Hi, My name is _______, and Im lost.
The children almost broken by the world become the adults most likely to change it-PostSecret
Oh girly I'm had no idea..
But just for starters...don't EVER think your not good enough for something or someone.Pot isn't a bad thing,atleast its nothing more than that.I really hope the bills thing comes together soon.Just remember that we are all here for you and if you ever need ANYTHING,don't hesitate to ask.
Love you sooooooooo much! Xoxo
Daughter...
You know where I am....
The last time, I heard you speak like this was when you or I first joined here...
You sound like everything has gotten on top of you and maybe, that you made some choices to do things that you couldn't afford to do, for the sake of love.
You sould like a beautiful lost soul, not seeking attention but doing what she does best, "write" when things seem down and out.
This "ex" still has to pay his way, sweet and help you.
Your parents (step) or otherwise, have their own arguements and sometimes take things out on others, remember that...
I think it's fair to say you know your loved really. But, it's the deep love you are seeking but yet so young, the same love I seek but yet also "so young", understand?
Get off your butt, off that dope, quit wasting money and also being in a whooo ahhhh , sleep, music, food, mood and realise that it aint going to fix this.
YOU ARE.
BECAUSE YOU ARE ACE and your STRONGER than that... We know it, you know it, I, your Mum knows it.
I once had a daughter, now lots more, but this daughter taught me to love someone un-conditionally from the other side of the world and to open my doors to more love.
Isn't that worth more than smoking dope? Feeling blue? Which dope does, it makes you paranoid....
Ask yourself why your ex is really in that next room and whether or not your better off, with your money to yourself, paying your phone, and getting that next job you know is around the corner and loving you, so someone else can come into your life and love you as well.
LOVE YOU.
CW
Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
It doesn't happen over night
if truth were to be told.
Like everything in life that's hard to achieve
you must believe!
Mom is right. About the dope thing especially. I re-read my post,and it kind of sounded encouraging.dope will only make matters worse! It may not be the worst drug out there but it will definately keep you in debt.
Maybe it's time to lose the shackles and live YOUR life for YOURSELF the way YOU want to.
Sweetie, I don't know that you can be really addicted to pot. You are young but you aren't a child any more. You have a lot to deal with.
Here's the real deal on adults...the unvarnished truth- a lot of them are no more mature than teen agers or even younger people. Somehow they just get sort of stuck. As they live longer they have more experience so they can handle some things better but emotionally they have not matured. They gossip and get all pissy and try to get attention. It's unfortunate. The other side is people who have the mistaken idea that being grown up means being grim and dour and not having any fun or ever being really amused or delighted. They tend to be critical and judgemental. Neither type really "gets it".
You'd be surprised at the burdens some adults carry, often from their youth. A friend of mine who is in her 70s only recently dealt with the pain caused her by a family member who molested her as a child, when on his death bed he asked her forgiveness. An other friend who is 80 has talked about some things that happened in his family while growing up. We are the products of our environment - unless we choose otherwise.
It can be a tough road. I know I'm still struggling with some things, particularly a habit of self sabotoge when I start to succeed at anything. It's not a good pattern. You have so many talents and abilities, so much potential. Forget your family's judgements or expectations. What do you want? What flips your switch? What do you envision yourself doing in 5 years? 10? You can do it. If you really decide you want it. I suspect that you lost your motivation for college because at some level you were looking for approval and when it became clear you weren't getting it, it ceased to hold any allure. Med school wasn't really where your heart was. Was it?
It can be difficult to pay the bills and work toward what you want. But if you Really want it, you will find the energy is there and a way will open.
As far as this relationship goes, you will have to decide if this can be healed. You can't just stay to have the bills paid, although you may need some time to get back on your feet and on your own. You need to figure out if you really love this man or just love feeling that you are loved? You are very vulnerable right now, you've got a scary health situation to deal with and while you've had many options come before - will any of them pay and move you forward, closer to what you want from life?
I believe that once you commit yourself to a path that you will succeed. But you have to break past the need for family approval and find your own way. You will get through this, you are intelligent and resilient. Writing is a good way to help sort your thoughts and clarify things. You do what you need to, but keep it positive.
We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer
Ya know...when you post your work on a public forum for critique....expect it.
So- if you are spending your money on weed, how do you ever expect to pay your mobile bill?
Good luck.
Well first off, I know that we haven't gotten to know each other....well at all. Haha. But from how I see you interact with everyone else on here, and from reading your posts, you sound like a really awesome chick with a GREAT heart. No BS there
I won't say anything about the pot because I too use that as a huge stress reliever. It's not nearly as often as it used to be, but it's something that has always worked for me...and I tend to go with what works. It does get expensive and add up though, unfortunately.
I think you just need to do what you feel is right for you. Look into getting a job that YOU want, that YOU think YOU will be good at. If you need to go to school for it, then so be it, because you're definitely good enough for it. I never went to college either, maybe for about 20 minutes. I'm just not cut out for it, but that was because I didn't know what I wanted to do up until about a year or so ago...and I graduated high school 6 years ago. It's all about your own timing, if your parents don't like it then whatever.
One thing that people tell me all the time is that you can't please everyone. I like to try my best, but there's just no possible way to do it. In the end, you have to do what makes you happy.
I've got to be direct
If I'm off please correct
You're standing on my neck....
Ace, dear, you need to find what makes you happy and go for it. Stop living your life how you feel others want you to live it. You only get one, and you should live it to the fullest.
Your ex is back in your life, maybe not intimately, but back nonetheless. It's not going to be easy, but if you need the help, then you need the help. Don't dwell on it, or try not to, it's not going to make anything any easier.
Bills are a part of life. It's a struggle at first, I know, I've been there. As you grow as a person, you'll learn to manage things more efficiently.
School's a tough one, some people just aren't cut out for it. There's no shame in taking some time off to reevaluate what you want out of life, with or without school.
Regarding the drugs, I'd be the biggest hypocrite in the world if I chastised you for that. I've been there, done that, more than you could even imagine. But, again, as you grow, you also grow away from it (well, in my case anyways). Once you realize you don't need that crutch and you learn to deal with things in a more productive manner, you'll be happier, not to mention saving the cash you would be spending on it.
Keep you chin up, everyone has rough patches, but it's getting passed them that makes you strong.
Friendship Prayer
May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
Amen
Whoever said anything was possible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.
Hi all...
Im trying to keep my chin up. I hate writing on here, because I feel weak. Im supposed to be SUPER MOD like my mum....
So its hard. These past few weeks I've been holding it all in, smiling. Its what I do best.
After a nice rescue call from the greatest person ever...I felt better.
So now I just have to deal with life. Time to put my big girl shoes on.....eep.
The children almost broken by the world become the adults most likely to change it-PostSecret
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