Do you think we are destined to repeat the mistakes of our parents?

**kygirl** · 04-08-2010 08:45 AM

Do you think there is some pull to make the same mistakes our parents did because that is what is familiar?

**KMonte85** · 04-08-2010 08:50 AM

I definitely think we have a propensity to repeat our parents' mistakes if we aren't careful!! We are so used to seeing, living, breathing their mistakes, that when we find ourselves in the same predicament it is often difficult to catch it, because it is such a norm from our upbringing - the flags don't go off.

BUT, I don't think we're doomed either. If we make conscious decisions... if we are aware of the choices we make and why, and if we strive to do better for ourselves. I think anyone can rise above their upbringing and ensure that their past isn't an indication of their future.

However, it takes work, and a lot of self reflection....

And of course, we always end up making our own, unique mistakes along the way too lol

**BellaGal** · 04-08-2010 08:57 AM

I think there is definitely a pull to do the same mistakes, even if we are aware of them and don't want to do them.

My mom got married young and moved right in with my dad - she never wanted that for me or my sister ... so what do I do? I got married at the same age she did and moved right in with my husband. It's causing me grief now because though I love my husband, I feel there is something missing (most likely actually living, finding out who I am, etc.).

Many times people are able to break the 'chains' of their past generations.

My dad is a native american. Everyone knows the stereotype - drunkards, always there for welfare wednesday and bingo. Well my dad's great uncle broke the chain - he refused to be that way and left the reserve to go work with 'the white man' ... and I tell you - my dad's side of the family from then on has all been successful and definitely do not fit the stereotype.

My husband was beat from his childhood until he left home at 14. His mother was a drunk who has since broken that chain. My husband would definitely go after anyone who hurt his family or friends - no doubt about that - but he would never hurt or hit his own family. Not on his life. He is all too aware of what pain that causes. (Well, except for you know ... brother fights etc ... typical guy stuff)

Everyone grows up thinking that what they've grown up with is normal. (Unless someone intervenes and they see that it is not - in cases of abuse and whatever else) So it is my feeling that of course a person who grows up in a certain way will think that is the only way and will follow.

Back to the native american stereotype. What does everyone (generalizing, sorry) think when they think of a reservation? Dirty, poor, vehicles and junk everywhere ... and what do you see for the most part when you go through a reservation? Exactly that. And why? Not because the children and teens and parents and whoever else want to be like that, but because they have grown up like that and it's expected or just sort of the norm for that to be the way it is. It's been like that for years and years and years and it takes a person pulling their head out of the sand and taking a look around at what the rest of the world is doing to go 'hey! there is more out there! I can make a change, I can do something different' to do just that.

My 2 cents ... and always open for discussion and other views ...

**LanaBear** · 04-08-2010 09:26 AM

IMO, No! Not to say that some don't, but no, I don't believe we are "destined" to make the same mistakes.

I think you learn from your parents mistakes and I hope my children learn from mine.

But I also guess it has to do with how big those mistakes were... I had an interesting childhood, as did my hubby (sometimes I wish I could just open up with everything the both of us had gone through, but that is just opening up too much). Neither of us will ever do what our parents did and because we were raised a certain way, we parent our children differently.

Not to say that neither of our childhoods were bad. One half of our parents did their best. We always joke around and say that between the two of us, we have an awesome set of parents. One from each side. lol And there are positive things that we learned from them as well, that we also teach our kids.

But, destined to make their mistakes, no way, no how.

**rcoreyus** · 04-08-2010 11:03 AM

I think a lot of people learn from their parents' mistakes, then make their own different mistakes.

**xJanex** · 04-08-2010 01:50 PM

I cant say i am anything like my rents..
I am young still so I havent made the same mistakes as them, but i have definatly follwed my mums values, and thoughts on life.
I think it depends on the environment and who you live with, or work with, or see, friends, partners, family.
I dont kno.. I was never like my mum when she was young..

**BasketCase** · 04-08-2010 11:37 PM

No I think everyone makes there own mistakes. We influenced by the people that raise us but don't have to follow in there foot steps. Unless thats the path we choose.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 04-09-2010 06:04 AM

I think it may be what comes most naturally to us, so I think we have to be consciously aware so we can make the necessary changes in our lives. You've heard many say "OMG I'm turning into my mom" or dad etc. Sometimes that's not a bad thing. But sometimes it is. So yeah, I think it's what we're familiar with, how we were raised, and it feels "natural", but being AWARE and realizing that we do have control over our lives should empower us and give us the ability to be what we strive to be.

**WildChild** · 04-09-2010 06:38 AM

Some things become so ingrained at such an early age that we don't even recognize them. I have contemplated our culture of abuse and wondered how far back would be have to go to see where it started. Many, many, generations, much of it is embeded in our cultures and belief systems. Patriarcal religions with father gods who throw temper tanturms and destroy entire cultures and communities and punish and torture individuals for ever and ever, certainly set the stage for some very unhealthy thinking and interaction.

Living consciously we can change the patterns and responses we were raised with, but it takes Conscious and attentive action.

I think this is part of why stats show that people who live together first, then marry, have higher divorce rates. When they sign on the dotted line, a whole set of buried expectations come to the surface. All at once the relationship isn't what it was and they may not be sure why, but it's not what they thought they were getting or what they signed up for.

**kygirl** · 04-09-2010 08:26 AM

Originally Posted by WildChild

I think this is part of why stats show that people who live together first, then marry, have higher divorce rates. When they sign on the dotted line, a whole set of buried expectations come to the surface. All at once the relationship isn't what it was and they may not be sure why, but it's not what they thought they were getting or what they signed up for.

I'm a little curious about this statement. So are you saying that people change because of ingrained behaviors when living together but not until they sign on the dotted line?

I have two differing beliefs I guess... First off, that lots of people don't show their true colors even when living together because there often is still some expectation of behavior before marriage and feeling "locked in". Secondly, that many people live together and then almost feel like they "have" to get married because they have already committed for a certain period of time and it is comfortable.