BDSM?

**kygirl** · 04-16-2010 11:58 AM

So, I have been a little curious about this. But honestly, I am not sure how you would even start thinking about something like this or figuring out what you would and wouldn't be comfortable with, etc?

Anyone had any experiences and/or know how to explore this issue slowly?? I consider myself pretty open to trying things but I know this could be a whole different ballgame, so I would love to hear some experiences, suggestions, anything about how to get the ball rolling and how to know whether it is even worth venturing into

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 04-16-2010 02:57 PM

Moved to the Lounge kygirl, as it's not something you would ask your Doctor

For those that don't know what BDSM is, as there has been 32 viewing as no replies:-

BDSM is a type of roleplay or lifestyle choice or between two or more individuals who use their experiences of pain and power to create sexual tension, pleasure, and release. The compound acronym, BDSM, is derived from the terms bondage and disipline (B&D, B/D, or BD), dominance & submission (D&s, D/s, or Ds), sadism and dominance, masochism(S&M, S/M, or SM).

Firstly, ask yourself why you want to try this, because your curious? Or your man is curious? and ensure it's something you personally want to try and that if so, that you both know enough about it, because any form of bondage can turn fatal..

There has to be a code word that you use, if your in pain, that means "stop".. and adhered to by your partner.

If your unsure of how you think, feel about it, try simple things first such as silk scarfs tying your arms, blindfolding you... and see how you feel about that, would be my suggestion...

Perhaps, small drops of hot candle wax, to see if you like the feeling of pain... things like that, to give you a guide line as to what you would try and what you wouldn't try..

CW

**rcoreyus** · 04-16-2010 05:14 PM

I have a little experience with this, and have friends with much more. BDSM varies from very mild to hard, from entirely role-playing to entirely physical. Some thoughts / comments:

If you are going to do BDSM style play, it is a really good idea to have a safe-word. Basically word you agree on with your partner that means “really stop”. This lets you role play “oh please don't do that...” but still have a way to tell your partner that you really aren't enjoying what is going on and want it to end. Never ever violate a safe word – ignoring a safe word turns BDSM into rape.

If your play involves tying someone up, always have a way to get them lose quickly. Scissors or a knife near the bed. Some sex shops sell easy release velcro restraints. Its best if the person who is tied up can get them selves free in a few minutes if they really need to. Don't tie tight enough to cut off circulation, or try to suspends someones weight (unless you really know how).

OK, so much for the safety warning, now the fun.
BTW: “bottom” = person tied up, “top” = person who did the tying. Either can be either gender.

What made you think about BDSM in the first place. Do you imagine being controlled, controlling someone else, some of both? Do you have fantasies in that direction? This gives you an idea where to start. BDSM covers a great variety of activities, some you might like, certainly some you won't.

Some things to try – just to give ideas.

Tie the bottom to the bed (bedposts make this easy), blindfold them. Then do all the things you would normally do to please them – hands, oral, intecourse. You can move on to “making” them perform oral on the top if that sounds fun for both.

Slave – the bottom pretends to be a slave who must do everything (sexual) that the top asks for. Throw in as many “Yes Master (or mistress)” lines as you want.

Punishment: The bottom has been bad and needs to be spanked. Perhaps followed in the “Castle Anthrax” tradition by the oral sex. If spanking is too mild, you can (carefully) use implements – a hair brush or a belt.

Rape fantasy: The top forces themselves on the bottom. If the bottom is stronger, they should start out tied up.

Humiliation: the bottom is a useless worm. They must crawl, grovel, etc. (I'm not at all into this personally, so I can't really suggest much here).

Forced Orgasm: Invent some scenario where the bottom has a reason to try to resist having an orgasm while the top makes them. If the bottom is female, maybe they are being interrogated by a evil inquisition that believes than only witches and licentious women have orgasms – and will be burned at the stake if the do. If the bottom is a male, maybe they are a capture prince and are being forced to impregnate a woman to produce a new heir, then will be executed.

Torture: the top tries to force information out of the bottom by “torturing” them in various ways. (of course the “tortures” all wind up being sexual....”

Basically though whatever sounds like fun to you and your partner.

**A Dying Breed** · 04-16-2010 05:51 PM

Originally Posted by rcoreyus

Punishment: Perhaps followed in the “Castle Anthrax” tradition by the oral sex.

+1000 internets for fitting Monty Python reference into this subject.

Many of my friends and I have had experience in this area, so here's some info.

As said, always have a safe word.Now,there are a few different types of BDSM.

The first is just the mild kinky play usually seen as rather "vanilla". Examples of this are fuzzy handcuffs, a neck collar, or a leather "spanking stick".

The next is a giver/receiver, or top/bottom for sex. Not only just role playing, which really fits into the first example, it is more along the lines of being very dominant. This takes some time, because you have to know what your "receiver" likes. The top person has the responsibility to pleasure the other person without their feedback or decision, which takes a lot of time to figure out in a non-BDSM sex life and is why it is very unsuccessful if tried right off the bat.

The master has to be able to please the partner without seeming like he/she is taking any feedback or that they are actually "caring" about the other's needs. They have to be able to satisfy their partner while making it seem like they are just trying to satisfy themselves. You should definitely be together for a long time before going into this, or else there will be quite a few times where you need to use the safe word, and that really ruins the mood and the experience.

The final type is by far the most extreme, but not necessarily unhealthy. It almost requires that the two of you live together, and this relationship requires a LOT of trust in the "top" person. This not only involves sex, but life together overall. Alot of things require control. For instance, punishment involves actual punishment (not violent of course, but definitely humiliating). One very erotic and intimate example is orgasm deprivation. Where you have sex, but only the "master" is allowed to orgasm. If they break the rule, they arent just punished in a kinky way, but in a humiliating way;

For instance, I made my girlfriend lie naked in a cage for 6 hours. Again, this requires trust and you have to make sure you are doing nothing that is physically or emotionally dangerous but still take control away from that other person. Sometimes making the person go to bed early, or making them sit down after dinner and watch you eat their favorite dessert.

I wont make this too much longer because I have aready said lots and if you really want more info PM me because Ive got experience in this area.

TL;DR If done right, it can be the most intimate, erotic, sensual, exciting thing for your sex life. But it takes alot of time, alot of work, and a lot of trust.

**rcoreyus** · 04-16-2010 08:43 PM

Just my $.02, but I'm a bit worried about 24/7 BDSM relationships - it is easy for them to drift into actual abuse. I'm not sure it really meets the consensual (or sometimes sane) criteria of safe / sane / consensual.

I'm not saying it can never work, but I think it can fail very badly.

**p3375** · 04-17-2010 01:48 AM

Wow! Thanks for the replies, esp the detailed descriptions...
I always thought I wasn't interested in this kind of thing

Now I'm absolutely certain.

again, tho wow! Human sexuality/psycology is a wonderous and varried thing!
P

**LanaBear** · 04-17-2010 05:21 PM

Just to give my slight opinion on it. I'm a control freak, in 99% of my life. In my profession, I have to stand up against high powered men, who are no fun to deal with. I'm very well probably one of the biggest witches many have had to work with. However, I sometimes crave being able to give up total control in the bedroom, I don't want to be the one that decides what I do, etc. All the time, no, but definitely more often than not.

There is a lot of trust that has to be involved. You have to trust that person like no other. The longer you are in a relationship, the better it gets because they learn more, different and better ways to please you.

**kygirl** · 04-19-2010 06:33 AM

Thanks everyone for the information. I was mainly wanting to get some ideas, see how it works in actual practice instead of theory... Some of that is definitely way more than I would want to try, but it definitely helps give me some ideas and know for sure where my limits would be starting out.

I am assuming code words/safe words need to be something very obvious and arbitrary so it would be apparent that you were definitely wanting to stop. Suggestions?