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Thread: PORN: A Matter of Concern Or Not?

  1. 06-02-2010 01:22 PM #1
    caterpillar79
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    Default PORN: A Matter of Concern Or Not?

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    I know there has been so much on this topic. It is quite redundant as you may think of me posting about it.

    I have my share of stories/ personal experiences on this which could be shared in another thread. But as of now, I want to know how you all view this issue.

    To me, porn is porn, and men are going to be men, BUT, in a loving and caring partnership, where there is respect and loyalty communicated and expected from both parties, I cannot take that the partner still looks at other women, nor view porn just because men are men.

    To me, it is borderline cheating, and if you cannot be honest and be loyal to me 100% in little ways, how can you be on a much larger scale?

    That said, tell me ladies, how do you feel about this? And to our male posters, what do you think?
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  2. 06-02-2010 02:39 PM #2
    sourpuss
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    I'm not one to tell my partner to not look at other women....because I'd have to not look at other men. haha To me, looking does not = disloyal. It's just noticing someone who is attractive.
    I think it boils down to how much is one person bothered by something (no matter what it is) and is it communicated to their partner.

    I have a good friend that I used to be very interested in. We became friends because I asked him on a date. It never really ended up going anywhere beyond a couple awkward make outs. But now we're good buddies. My boyfriend was really uncomfortable with me hanging out with him when we first started dating so I avoided spending time with him. After my boyfriend realized that we were just buddies, he was ok with us hanging out. But it all came down to communication and trust.

    If my boyfriend looked at porn rather than being with me, I wouldn't be comfortable with that. But if he looked at porn on occasion to have some quick 'special me time', I don't think I would mind. I say that now because he doesn't look at porn, that I know of. I may feel different if he did.
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  3. 06-02-2010 03:15 PM #3
    LanaBear
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    I think it depends on ones experience with the issue. Personally, right here, right now, I don't have a problem with it. But, it does absolutely nothing for me or my hubby. We've tried watching it, just to turn it off not even 5 minutes later laughing, it's just blah. I'm probably more apt to watch it then he is, since every time we did try to watch it, it was my suggestion. lol

    But if I had the problems as some of the others, my outlook would be a lot different, I imagine.
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  4. 06-02-2010 03:28 PM #4
    CHANDLERS WISH
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    I cannot take that the partner still looks at other women, nor view porn just because men are men.

    To me, it is borderline cheating, and if you cannot be honest and be loyal to me 100%
    It's so healthy in my opinion, if your man can look at another woman, make a comment and you can laugh it off, together. That is `100% trust, open-ness and therefore, secure feelings... Same if I was to look at a man and make a comment, such as I love Daniel Craigs eyes

    If you make a person feel un-comfortable, and he one days looks and get's caught, arguements occur, non-trust, in-securities.

    I believe you have to believe the love you have for each other, until proven otherwise.

    As for Porn. I recall once... seeing it on a computer, questioning it, and was told " All men watch it", to which I stated as you know "No, they don't mine never did", to which I was advised "Not that you know of".. And, how true that must be, could be.

    I do believe that there are two types of people, those with visualisation and those without... Those without, need visualisation in order to achieve

    I also believe that there are things still to be learnt, and no matter what age you are, you are never too old to learn.

    If it doesn't affect your sex life, then I don't see it as an issue. If it was a past that was done, before you, you can say, I understand that but I prefer that you don't now as I am here. But, I think more than anything, it's a scary thing for most women because it sets off some in-securities which otherwise wouldn't be there.

    I think that women should understand and acknowledge and know that they are truly loved and in that, not worry about these things.

    It's when they can see they are not loved, that they should worry.

    CW
    Do we not realise that in order to find a soul
    It doesn't happen over night
    if truth were to be told.

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    you must believe!
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  5. 06-02-2010 09:08 PM #5
    Hopeless Dork
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    Porn used to never be an area of concern for me in my relationship, I could see my boyfriend was looking it. It organically hurt my feelings... it made me feel insecure, like something was not good enough about me that he needed to look at other girls. But I sucked it up and took it for what it was.

    When our sex life was a bit slow, but the porn on his computer stayed ever present... I began to resent it in a way I could no longer keep to myself. When I told him how much it hurt me, he was surprised... had always assumed I wasn't bothered.... since I never said. After many fights about it, me feeling neglected in favor of it... him tellling me it had nothing to do with me. He finally backed off of it... and it was apparent to me not just because he said he stopped... but because our sex life improved GREATLY.

    He assured me it was not the root of our problem, but when it was out of the picture... things got better. Every now and then, even though our sex life was awesome, id find that he'd occassionaly watch. Even though it was not affecting us poorly... the feelings I had from it in the past just didn't resolve. I would feel hurt and betrayed every single time I saw he'd been viewing it.

    After several more talks on the issue. He finally understood how bad it hurt my feelings and either quit it all together or is only viewing it in a way that I'd never notice... and since our sex life is great I don't dig or ask about it.

    Just recently I saw that he was looking again... and it broke my heart again. But less so this time. I think I'm getting numb. Which does scare me as if I am losing part of my feelings for him with every discovery of his willingness to do something that hurts me so much.

    He is the best boyfriend in the world. He makes me happier than anything in my life. I don't want to throw it all away over his viewing of porn... but I don't know how to get past the feelings of him not being satisfied with me when I see he's been viewing.

    I don't have an inherent adverse feeling towards porn... I'd watch it with him, and have... but when I feel like he's been seeking it out, it makes me question his happiness with me and also his concern for my happiness. He tells me it means nothing. But it still pops up now and then. So it means something, obviously... even if neither of us know what.
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  6. 06-02-2010 09:15 PM #6
    ItsASecret
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    It is not the jerking off that bothers me, it is not the dolled up photoshop girls that bother me, it is not the "men are visual creatures" that bothers me....it is the lieing. Constant continual lieing, saying that he is not using it but you walk into a room and see the yellow-ish stained tissues flowing out of the garbage or the smell of chlorine cum in the air. Not to mention looking at the computer history and seeing more than a plethora of porn links and yet he is standing his ground with saying he does not use porn anymore. That is my concern. If I am not around to help him out, okay fine use pictures of girls you will never be able to have touch or feel. If you have already given me plenty in the bedroom and for whatever reason I am not in the mood for more okay fine you can do as you wish when I leave your place. But if I ask you if you have jacked off today (it is obvious when he does because his ejaculate amount is fffaaaarrrr less and he is not at all interested in the subject of sex when usually he is) can you not at least have the courtesy to tell me so that I do not get lied to again and again?
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  7. 06-02-2010 11:07 PM #7
    rcoreyus
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    I think of porn as a form of sex-aid used for masturbation. If someone is masturbating and ignoring their SO, that is a big problem. If they are masturbating rather than doing work, or chores, or out having fun - that is a big problem. If they just occasionally do it when their SO isn't around, or maybe watch with their SO, then I think that is fine .

    I'm not as worried about the "lying". People have been conditioned to be dishonest about sex. Watching porn or masturbating are considered embarrassing. I don't think it is any more reasonable to spy on a computer to look for a SO's porn, then to hid a camera in the shower to see if your SO masturbates.

    Another view - think if porn as like alcohol. Used a little, it isn't a problem. Over-used it can be a serious one.
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  8. 06-03-2010 01:38 AM #8
    Thomas Hepburn
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    I agree totally with CW. If trust and love are there then you ladies have nothing to fear. As for me, I personally don't like porn. I think it's degrading to both parties. What I do love is erotica. And I believe that is something quite different. The first time I watched porn I started to feel excited, then shortly afterwards started laughing and then finally felt sick. Appreciating attractive people of the opposite sex, even when in a relationship,is healthy and natural. There's a big difference in looking and touching!
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  9. 06-03-2010 07:57 AM #9
    pretzel
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    Me, I think I fall more towards rc's point of view.

    For me, it's situational. Right now there is virtually no physical interaction between my wife and I. Yea I get the drunk sex once or twice a month, but that's pretty much it.

    Porn is a very short term temporary release mechanism but not much else. It's a visual way to fantasize about making love to my wife and the pleasure behind it. There really isn't much depth behind it.

    We do occaisionally watch it together. Generally, it's just a wasted 17 bucks on our cable bill. But it's usually in the drunken sex mode so it doesn't do much for her nor for me for that matter.
    There will always be boundries, but making love is so different, than having sex, let's face it. CW
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  10. 06-03-2010 08:37 AM #10
    white ant
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    Honestly, I don't see anything wrong with men watching porn. As long as he has time for you and never dodge you for porn. I think you might learn to like it if you just try watching porn with him. And you might be suprised at what porn might do to you. I was never a porn fanatic but right now you can never separate me from it and I only watch it with my boyfriend only. It did wonders for us hey. Just give it time and instead of looking at the negatives side of it like thinking of it as cheating you can use it to spice up the bedroom!!!
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