I'm not raising a princess, right?

**Casey715** · 10-22-2010 10:50 AM

I could not put this under motherhood for the apparent fact that I am not a mother. Regardless, I need an outside opinion. My daughter is 12. She has responsibility's to herself and this family. Doing the dishes, keeping her room nice, and keeping her grades up. She has A's, 2 or 3 B+ a year, on her report card. In public she is very respectful and behaved. No acting out in school. But at home.........well its another story. From me first: I am pretty hard on her. I push her to have A's. She gets grounded for anything under a B. She gets the "You can do better than a B" when she brings home a B. This is all with no studying. If she would study, she would have all A's. She tells me, "I don't really care, as long as I don't have C's." I um...kinda nag? her about watching her weight. I was over weight 4th-8th grades, and the potential is there for her to be as well. It sucked for me, and I received very little heckling from my peers. As a girl, I think she would have it a lot worse than I ever did. I don't want her to go through that. Also, she has a really bad attitude when we try to parent her. She's not gotten away with anything in life, meaning this (rules) is not something new to her. I try to parent her and she looks at me like she is having a brain aneurysm. That really pisses me off, then we are in a verbal sparing match until I get fed up and ground her. Thing is, grounding her does nothing to correct the problem. She's a very adaptable person and she will just read a book or do a puzzle to pass the time. Honestly, it kinda pisses me off that it doesn't her off. AND I think she knows it. Look, I'm not an ignorant person, but this has me stumped. When I got grounded, it was the end of the world for me. A week of not doing what I want to when I want to, that was just terrible. Any thoughts or is it just raising a pre-teenage girl?

**LanaBear** · 10-22-2010 11:00 AM

Maybe it's an age thing and not a gender thing... My oldest son will be 10 next month and we're going through something similar. He's very very well mannered, very respectful, gets good grades, excels in sports, everything like your daughter, but we've noticed he's increasingly just being a turd and it's nothing major, we're just not used to it, I guess. In fact, when we've had him spend some time in his room, he just shrugs, goes up and starts reading, and it's not as if I'm going to say, no reading, he LOVES to read and reads every night before bed.

He has always known the rules and boundaries, but it seems as if now he is just trying to see how far he can push them and what he can get away with. He knows we won't tolerate it, so I'm puzzled as to why he tries, all I can think of are outside influences, friends at school, etc. The kids he plays with on our street are all very nice and well behaved.

Sorry I don't have any solutions for you, but just had to let you know I'm floating in the same boat with you.

**pretzel** · 10-22-2010 11:17 AM

Casey and Lana,

Been there (more than once), don't worry. There's just something about kids when they get to a certain age where not only are they finding more about themselves (i.e., beginning of certain bodily changes, greater sense of who that are, etc.) that makes then totally different animals.

They'll drive you to drink if you let them get under your skin. Time for you to allow them a little more flexibility and let them start making some decisions on their own but also let them know that you both behind them, but they will be held accountable for those decisions.

**WildChild** · 10-22-2010 11:42 AM

Back off a bit bucko. You mean well, but you need a different approach.

Picking on her weight will set her up for a lifetime of issues with self esteem and eating disorders. You are her male role model. Her expectations of male behavior and interaction come largely from you.

I have two teens, a daughter and a son. I've never grounded either of my kids and they pretty much always get straight As, never get into trouble, and are little health nuts. Do they occasionally argue or get huffy? yes. They are human. Do they occasionally do things they would be better off not doing? Yes, but not often.

As a parent your job is to get her into adulthood as healthy, well adjusted, hopefully happy, functional person. She needs to learn to make decisions and choices and to think critically. She can't do that if you are micromanaging. It sounds like you may be controlling more than parenting.

Neither of my kids did much studying at that age either. school was just too easy to warrent it. I set a pattern that when they got home from school, they had a snack, could unwind a bit, then school work had to be done before there could be any TV or other activities. There was no gaming during the school week. I would check their planners and sign them off. I let them do their work but was available to assist in finding the solution if needed (not doing it for them but keeping them from getting too frustrated).

I usually allowed them age appropriate choices. Bright kids can handle more but are still kids, they lack life experience. When there were choices to be made we would talk about the benefits vs cost and possible outcomes. Just an example, when they were little (even pre-school) when a movie they wanted to see came out, I would give them a choice, we could see it now in the theater or we could wait and buy the movie and see it as often as they wanted, but mom can't afford both. They would discuss this between them and almost always would decide to wait and buy the movie. This taught several things; delayed gratification, cost vs benefit, weighing choices, and shared decision making. They learn far more by doing than by lectures or enforcement.

As far as grades, there were times when one of them had a grade that was lower than their usual. I would ask, what happened? They usually know. Is there something you can do to bring the grade up? My gold standard was always, "can you tell me you really did your best?" Because they didn't punished for speaking their truth, I got honest answers. Sometimes it was that they could do better, other times there was a problem and we would figure out together how to deal with it, positively. There were occasions when I had to be a bit stern but because it was seldom, it was effective.

Both my kids really do some studying now, one is in HS taking 4 AP and 2 honors classes and the other is in college (on a partial academic scholarship to a well known private university) they are taking some high level courses and pulling straight As. I don't have to remind or bug either of them about their school work. The pattern is set when they are younger and constant berrating doesn't teach. When you can, make it fun. Let her know that you recognise and value her intelligence. Let her show you that she can be responsible. Sure she'll screw up now and then, its part of learning. Make 'what can you do different next time' more important than punishing. Put more emphasis on 'how are you going to correct or fix this' than on blame. Punishing teaches people to find excuses, cover up and avoid responsibilty.

She is only a child for a small part of her life, find as much pleasure in this part as you can and keep an eye to her lifetime as adult.

A wise healer once explained the teen years very well to me. The teen years and the toddler years are about the same process of development. They are acquiring the needed physical and emotional skills to separate from their parents. They are testing their exsistance as independent beings and finding their limits. Your job is to lovingly help them get through it one piece and emotionally healthy.

**Casey715** · 10-24-2010 12:07 AM

Right there with you Lana. She loves to read, can't take that away and feel good about it. I don't think it's the friends. I feel she has more of an effect on her friends than they on her. And WC, controlling? Looking from the outside, yes. I idolize my dad. My dad was controlling. He was killed on the job when I was 15. Mom was there, but after how dad died, I couldn't count on her. I did everything my dad said not to do and I ended up making some really bad decisions. The controlling part was never a problem with me. I just thought that was how it was. I had friends who had no parenting and I knew they were in for a hard life. I think that maybe that's why I want her to listen to me so bad. It was a good thing for me, just was no follow through. I don't know. Was I smart enough, then, to make the right decisions? I was a bright kid so I like to think yes. I say controlling, and you read controlling, but it was more of a.....standard? morals? Seeing that I knew right from wrong, and CHOOSE to do exactly what I was told not to do, scares the out of me. I was a good kid, without adult guidance I chose wrong. I guess this is my true fear. I know deep down that I was acting out, and that my situation is not the situation my daughter is in. But this is the only situation I know. My wife's dad left her at age 5 and her mom worked all the time. So her past is of no real help. This whole, 2 parents who care, is a new concept for us looking back on our childhood. WC I think I will try to approach it different. Try not grounding her and giving her more power in making decision that affect her life. Grades, "can you tell me you really did your best?" I think that can work for us. The only thing is, she doesn't do her best, and admits this. What then? How do I convince her to give it a good go? And the looks????? Those really feel very disrespectful. What does anyone suggest. Botox? So she can't show any facial expressions, because I'm down for it. lol kinda

Thanks for the feedback, hope for more.

**Hopeless Dork** · 10-24-2010 01:09 AM

I don't think you realize how hard it is to be a girl when it comes to appearances, having your dad nag you about your weight... I can't imagine how awful that would be. Keep only healthy foods in the house, encourage activity... but nagging about weight can cause her long term issues with it. Dads can do miracles for a young girls self esteem and they can also be responsible for ripping it to shreds. And we all know the outcomes of girls with fragile self esteems. I am not saying you are a bad dad, I am just saying... what hurt you growing up won't hurt her as bad as thinking her looks fall short of her dads ideals.

Nagging about grades, nagging about appearances... I know you want the best for her, but shes got to be able to feel like you'd be proud of her at any size and that you'd still love her if she brought home a C, that you'd make her study more and perhaps still ground her etc... but that you still love her.

A lot of times when parents set high expectations (a good thing, btw) a kid feeling like they are falling short, or afraid of falling short may give up trying all together. May rebel and get bad grades on purpose or eat twinkies just to spite you, in other words bringing about the opposite of your desired results.

I just mean you don't want her puking in a bathroom scared to gain a pound for fear her dad will love her less if she does... and though you don't say that to her, nagging about dieting, preaching about weight.. can take a toll on a young girl who at 12 is already getting messages from everywhere in the universe that she has to be this or that to be good enough, having a dad that makes her feel more than good enough can make all the difference in the world.

**Thomas Hepburn** · 10-24-2010 08:59 AM

well put Wildchild. Couldn't have done it better myself. x

**Casey715** · 10-24-2010 04:32 PM

Alright HD, this is why I am asking. I'm not telling her she is fat or anything like that. But I do know there will be an effect. This is why I am concerned. I encourage her not to eat that extra portion. I relay to her how I was overweight and that it was no fun feeling like . You say, "I don't think you realize how hard it is to be a girl when it comes to appearances." I don't. All I know is I just don't want her to have to deal with more than she has to. IF she does eat that extra portion, which would equal to eating more than me, she will have to deal with being overweight. I'm 30, 5'11, 220 lbs and I exercise 5 days a week. There is no way she should be eating more than me. Right? I ask Dee if she thinks I am going overboard, she has the same concerns as me. She agrees that eating more than me cannot be good for her. Dee has told me I'm going a bit overboard and I stopped saying anything at all, months ago. But she still knows. She will ask if she can have more, and I will say, "C. if you really think you need more, then get it." The way I say it, I know I sound like a butt. Its hard to stand by, knowing she is making a bad choice. I want to be part of the solution. I feel that [B]Not[B] saying anything would be irresponsible of a loving father. ????????????????????

**lizzardb63** · 10-24-2010 09:30 PM

Yes, don't pick on your daughter about her weight! That is scarring! Teach her how to be a healthy person, whether she is size 0 or size 20. If she is healthy that's what matters and looks arent everything. Perhaps you got teased bad because of your personality that went along with the weight? If she has a wonderful personality, do you think people will ONLY see her weight? Chances are, not really. Some yes, but not all!

**Casey715** · 10-24-2010 11:17 PM

No lizzardb63 As I said in 1st post, I did not get teased because of my weight. I was a pretty popular guy. I, and I repeat, I, felt like . Personality? We are talking about middle school kids. Them kids are harder on each other than a Vietnamese POW camp could ever wish to be. I have to be real here.

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