Stand by your man.......

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-08-2011 08:32 PM

I've noticed an interesting trend among female posters... not pointing fingers at anyone in specific and mean no offense in saying what I am about to... just kind of an observation/question :

I will read a thread where a woman paints a brutally clear picture of the man she is with being... well, up to no good, mean-spirtited or something of the like.

People then respond in concern for the woman poster...

Woman poster returns to all but recant everything negative stated originally... paints new picture, new view of the situation.

It makes me wonder if in anger, or a vent... a woman can see what she really has... then when forced to take off the rose colored glasses and read how other people view it -- go into denial? No longer actually care to see it the way they first represented? Don't want to deal with the possibility that they are with the wrong man?

Or is it more of a case of posting in anger, or a vent... then re-reading later and realizing they actually forgot to mention how wonderful the man was... and realize they were initially blowing things out of proportion?

**LILYBET** · 03-08-2011 08:54 PM

jajajajajajaj or Lol, love you post !!!!!!!!!! so true.

**WildChild** · 03-08-2011 11:42 PM

Good observation I've noticed this too. I also note a frequent pattern of giving out pertinate information in little snippets and then getting defensive or huffy because people respond based on limited information and it isn't a reply they like.

I don't know, maybe it is partially a process of discovery. Seeing things through other eyes they may feel a need to defend why they are with this person. People can get very invested and even though it is it not working out on any front that they can present they still hold a feeling that it must be "good" just because they are in it?

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 03-08-2011 11:54 PM

To me?

If you take the time to view Forums and feel the need to seek advice, it is because you are questioning...

And, I think you are right, a bit of anger, or resentment is there whilst you type your words, from the heart.

But, when you come back, you have either calmed down, "don't want to acknowledge what you read" or can not fathom being alone, and so, it's easier to continue in the cycle you are in.

Let's face it until you have given 100% to a relationship, you will always wonder and continue, and if you are ridiculed it is "your fault" often enough you will believe it ..

The only way people see clearly and objectively is if they are towards the end of that relationship and have lost a considerable amount of love...

In my opinion.

CW

**SaharaJim** · 03-09-2011 11:21 AM

Maybe they are just "testing" an idea? I think a lot of people "put out" an "idea" to see how it stands up to scrutiny.

**Mes T** · 03-09-2011 02:15 PM

Oh I have so been guilty of this!

For me it's been the need to vent, and when I get angry about something I forget all the good things about a person, just long enough to post on a forum or complain to a friend.

It's unfair to the guy, really! How come I can't "vent" about all the wonderful things too?

Ahh I dunno.

**WildChild** · 03-09-2011 03:41 PM

LOL I've found that people are much more interested in the venting than in the praising. If you are happy and talk about how great things are they seem to think you are either seeing through those rose colored glassed, are delusional or are bragging. Of course they don't want to hear too much of the complaints either, unless they are the one complaining, then you are supposed to be endlessly supportive of them.
Funny how that works.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 03-09-2011 06:03 PM

It's the things that go wrong we seek advice on.......afterall we don't need advice on the things going right, right?

I've seen this too, and at some point in my life have probably been guilty of it. Part of it IMO is obviously the need to vent when a wound is fresh, then, as with anything else, a nights sleep brings clarity. I'm very guilty of that. In SOME cases, however, I believe it is a result of low self esteem. I've been there....and I can identify with having a guy whom I thought was my soul mate do something really rotten to me, enough to make my blood boil, make me cry, and truly hurt me.........only to later miss him, feel like maybe I overreacted (even if I didn't), second guess myself, my actions, my thoughts and go into "But I love him..." mode. I think we've all probably had something we said would be a deal breaker (cause we thought it would never happen) actually happen and then we say "But I love him...." and decide maybe it's not a dealbreaker. Therefore, we compromise our standards so not to lose him. It's quite common for me to second guess myself after I've gotten angry at someone. In the past, it has resulted in me staying in relationships that were not good for me, delaying the inevitable. Fortunately, as I age, learn, grow and mature, I have gotten past alot of this. But in the end, I think it stems from a low self esteem, a low self worth and fear of being alone therefore standards are compromised...things are accepted even when we know they shouldn't be, etc....

**Hopeless Dork** · 03-10-2011 03:40 PM

I think it could be the low self esteem/ low self worth thing at play and worse than that... I think it can be a lowering of self-esteem and self-worth from someone who once had a firm grip on their sense of self... slowly but surely becoming more and more accepting of things they once upon a time thought they never would.

I think that old confident person makes the original post... "the wth am I dealing with here?" post that pretty much spells out why they shouldn't be with the man... then upon reading responses that back up their initial reaction, get a bit frightened by the prospect of seeing their relationship for what it really is... then go into almost a denial mode ... not to the posters so much as to themselves as seeing how other people see things can make one either realize they were right or go into a defense mode (with their own thoughts being their oponent).

I ask women all the time, when they talk about a man that treats them horribly, if your very best friend came to you and told you her man treated her the way you just describe... what would your heart advise her to do? And WHYYY don't you think you deserve to be treated as well as you'd want for your best friend?

**WildChild** · 03-10-2011 04:15 PM

Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork

I ask women all the time, when they talk about a man that treats them horribly, if your very best friend came to you and told you her man treated her the way you just describe... what would your heart advise her to do? And WHYYY don't you think you deserve to be treated as well as you'd want for your best friend?

Probably the very best way to respond.