Please be honest...

**geedee** · 05-14-2011 12:25 PM

My SIL is a pain in the ***. We've know each other since kids. We've had years of friendship and now years of conflicts and drama. The only way our relationship is tolerable is because we (I) keep it on a strictly family level. We don't mingle friends.

Because of the power of facebook we are both finding people we both went to school with. I found most of these people about 2 years before SIL did because I was on FB first. Therefor I've now developed new friendships with them.

One mutual friend in particular, I'll call her Dee.... because of Dee I've made a lot of new friends with a group of girls Dee is close to. Dee also knows my SIL and now my SIL is using Dee to get in with the group.

Do I have the right to flip out? Meaning: SIL throws herself a b-day party last night, I was invited but declined (because I don't want to mingle friends) BUT SIL invited Dee too. Dee told me she was going but didn't want to stay long but she was also bringing a group of our friends with her to the party. I got really upset. SIL is the type of person who uses any opportunity to think everyone is her new BFF's. I told Dee everythinhg I told you guys, how much conflict ive had with SIL and how I can't mingle friends with her but Dee didn't change her mind and took the friends there last night with her.

I can't stop thinking about it. What if my worst nightmares come true and SIL becomes part of that circle? What would you do? Do I have the right to be upset this is happening?

**Little.Chuck** · 05-14-2011 12:31 PM

You can't stop your friends from being friends with your SIL, just because the two of you have problems. They are not involved in those problems, and in my opinion, it is unfair for you to try to bring them into it. IE, telling your friend about the problems between you and your SIL in a effort to prevent her from taking her friends with her.

**FortunsFoole** · 05-14-2011 12:43 PM

I agree with Little.Chuck. I know you two have had your issues, but that's between you and her. No friend should expect others outside of a situation to have to choose sides, it has nothing to do with them. If they like you both that's just the way it is and a friend should be able to accept it, not try and influence opinions or create distance through sharing experiences.

**geedee** · 05-14-2011 01:18 PM

Thanks. You guys bring up a good point. I know, I mean I know its prob wrong for me to have said something to Dee about it... she actually knew about all the conflict and she brought the conversation up to me because she was trying to talk me into going with them. So I guess I just took that conversation as an invitation to express how disappointed I was at the potential that SIL would be now in with the group. So when I expressed this all to Dee I was even more disappointed it didn't change her mind. I know I can't control people and I wouldn't want to but in this situation I know that if it turns out that SIL does us this as in "in" into the group..... it won't be a good outcome for my family situation.

Its like this. I make a smart decision to not mingle friends with SIL and it works out perfect. We can now tolerate each other. It was the best decision to make granted the situation between us. Now there is the potential to screw that perfect situation up... what am I to do?

**Texinator** · 05-14-2011 01:39 PM

All of you are free to be friends with whomever you want, and one relationship shouldn't affect the other. Whatever goes on between you and your SIL should also stay between you two. So just because you and your SIL need to keep your distance doesn't mean Dee should have to choose sides. She can be friends with both of you and remain neutral.

**kristalyn_04** · 05-14-2011 01:40 PM

What is the big problem with having mutual friends with your SIL, even though there are issues between you two? Assumably others know that you aren't on good terms with each other for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean you can't have mutual friends and acquaintances. Any mutual friends you have just need to respect everyone's feelings here and not stir up emotions or create potentially argumentative situations. To put it simply, nobody brings up the situation while in the company of your mutual friends, and everyone should respect it. If they don't, just kindly ask them to not talk about it or walk away from it.

Any of your friends/acquaintances have a right to be friends with anyone they want, regardless of any issues you have with anyone else. You don't get to dictate who they spend time with or who your SIL is friends with. The minute you get upset about this and try to dictate who should be friends with who, you create even more problems. This isn't middle school, be adults about it, be respectful. If you really can't handle having mutual friends with your SIL, then remove yourself from the situation. You have other friends and can make more.

**Little.Chuck** · 05-14-2011 01:51 PM

Why don't you try to meet some people who are not mutual friends? People you can hang around with when your mutual friends are spending time with your SIL?

**geedee** · 05-14-2011 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by Tex

All of you are free to be friends with whomever you want, and one relationship shouldn't affect the other. Whatever goes on between you and your SIL should also stay between you two. So just because you and your SIL need to keep your distance doesn't mean Dee should have to choose sides. She can be friends with both of you and remain neutral.

Originally Posted by kristalyn04

What is the big problem with having mutual friends with your SIL, even though there are issues between you two? Assumably others know that you aren't on good terms with each other for whatever reason, but that doesn't mean you can't have mutual friends and acquaintances. Any mutual friends you have just need to respect everyone's feelings here and not stir up emotions or create potentially argumentative situations. To put it simply, nobody brings up the situation while in the company of your mutual friends, and everyone should respect it. If they don't, just kindly ask them to not talk about it or walk away from it.

Any of your friends/acquaintances have a right to be friends with anyone they want, regardless of any issues you have with anyone else. You don't get to dictate who they spend time with or who your SIL is friends with. The minute you get upset about this and try to dictate who should be friends with who, you create even more problems. This isn't middle school, be adults about it, be respectful. If you really can't handle having mutual friends with your SIL, then remove yourself from the situation. You have other friends and can make more.

The issue for me isn't that Dee is friends with SIL.... not at all. I completely understand it. Its the fact that Dee knows there is conflict with SIL... she knows I wont mix friends with SIL... and I'm friends with Dee's friends.... so the issue here is that now Dee is introducing those friends who I'm friends with to SIL.... so now i'll have no choice to share friends with SIL. Its soooooo ridicules, I totally understand how it reads but I made a smart decision to not mingle friends with SIL and it works out perfect for us this way. We can now tolerate each other in a family situation. It was the best decision to make granted the situation between us. Now there is the potential to screw that perfect situation up... what am I to do?

**ItsASecret** · 05-14-2011 02:24 PM

Just because you and your SIL are in the same room does not mean you must interact with her. Just because she is also at the table having drinks with you and all the other women does not mean you must interact with her. She is just going to be there, not there with you, just in the room as another person. If you treat her as a hated presence then ignore her, do what you must to not cause conflict. If the SIL is mingling with Dee's friends then let them, while you mingle with Dee on the opposite side of the room. You are fully aware that Dee and her friends can be friends with whomever they wish, going too far with this will turn it into a high school drama situation. Obviously that is not what you want but it can easily get that way if you begin to be upset over who other people are mingling with.

**BabyGirl** · 05-14-2011 02:25 PM

Stalking Krista on here again

. This isn't middle school, be adults about it,

There are many Family members that do not get along *with Blended Families* whether by Marriage or Divorce, there is always Something that Someone Does not Like about Someone.

There are also people who see the " Good " in Everyone, including the Ones they don't Particularly like or would Associate with on a Daily Basis .

The Old saying You Can't Chose your Family but you Can Chose your Friends.. Has some Merit to it . The Key word Is YOUR Friends. who you associate with, Who you Care for. It is the Qualities that you Chose to Associate with them For . Not who their Friends are or Who they Like or Is It ?

It seems that your SIL and you do have some Compatible Qualities, that make people be friends with you both . It would be beneficial " if you all could have a " Girls Night out Gals night out " with all of the " Friends " that are fighting over Friendship of who to be best Friends with, Who to Back up in an Argument
Who's side to take ?

Sweetie, Isn't that already on TV, called BAD GIRLS CLUB or some weird thing like that ?

Bury the Hatchet, not in each others backs, find a Common Love or Goal, which seems to be Your Brother or Husband, this is deducting from the SIL. And Build a Family of Friends and people You can Count on .