Thread: Forgiveness - Is it Real?

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

I tend to do alot of pondering while I get ready in the mornings. This morning my mind took me to the topic of Forgiveness.

In life we're told to "forgive and forget" and people always say "I can forgive but I won't forget". For most of us, it's nearly impossible to FORGET. And if you can't forget,

Is forgiveness truly possible when you've been hurt to your core?

I think it depends on your definition of "forgive". It has the same "root word' as forgo. When you "forgive" you give up all right to vengence, retribution, restitution or repayment. In AA we are taught to "forgive" because it frees us from any "obligation" or "expectation" to seek or recieve from the person who "harmed" us. It DOES NOT mean that we place ourselves in a position to be "harmed" again. As a very young child I was "harmed" by people who are now dead and short of Pi$$ing on their graves- I will never recieve any amends or apology from them. I have "forgiven" them not for their sake- but for my own "peace of mind". I no longer look for anything from them or use what they did as any excuse for my actions- it's a CLOSED book. Does it inform my actions in other situations...sure it does. I won't leave other small children in simiar situations or what I percieve might be a similar situation.
I think what you are talking about is a much more difficult situation. Yes you can forgive infidelity...but the person must realize that the "trust" relationship has been damaged and must be "rebuilt". The question is do YOU want to and can you "let go" enough to give the "rebuilding" an honest chance? AND is HE REALLY committed to being faithful and not causing you to doubt his sincerity? I do not agree that people can just "forget" but I believe they can not allow that memory to be the final word on how they face the future. Knowing what you know...can you give him a chance to rebuild your trust in him? Tough choice for you and him.

Tough choice for you and him.

To clarify, I am not currently going through an infedility situation. I just think about these things sometimes. The possibility of TRUE forgiveness.

When you "forgive" you give up all right to vengence, retribution, restitution or repayment.

This is a great way to define forgiveness. Perhaps we sometimes have unrealistic expectations of forgiveness? From a religious perspective, in Christianity we are taught that we can ask for forgiveness from God and have our transgressions "washed away". Perhaps we sometimes bring that same thought process into our every day lives. We expect to forgive and have the feelings of betrayal and mistrust or whatever the feelings may be, wash away, and they DON'T.

Sometimes when I hear people who have been cheated on (that's one example of MANY) say "I have chosen to forgive him", I'm thinking "Yeah, you're saying that outloud because that's what you WANT to happen, but deep how on Earth could you really forgive?".

When you say you have forgiven those who hurt you, for YOUR sake........ what does that mean for you? Perhaps you're no longer waiting on an apology, but do you not feel even a twinge of anger in your heart for them? And if you do, have you truly forgiven.......... ?

Forgiveness means letting go of all the negative feelings associated with a certain event. It's much easier said than done, because one might try to forgive and to act like it is all in the past and there is no more anger, but if there is still any anger left, then I don't think it is true forgiveness.

But depending on what happened, forgetting is both unrealistic and unwise. Remembering what happened is good for trying to avoid such a situation in the future or at least seeing the warning signs as it unfolds. That doesn't mean you have to let it rule your life, but it's good to keep in the back of your mind regardless.

So the wife might forgive her husband - even though it's always easy to say one would never cheat, maybe there were other relationship issues, the affair consisted of only one or two meetings, and then the husband came clean and confessed everything - and if she can let go of the feeling of betrayal, then that is true forgiveness. But it is still good to note the warning signs and under which circumstances the affair happened, to recognize when there might be another affair on the horizon.

I think it's important to forgive, even if you can't forget. Having said that, if it something serious then I would question whether you are in the right relationship?
If it was afamily member that did you harm, you can always keep your distance form them in future if they are a nasty type, or someone you simply don't get in with. The saying goes that you can chose your friends but not your family!

I believe it also depends on how severe the wronging was...and also how sensitive the person who was wronged. I don't have a hard time forgiving for most things...but I think the reason we "never forget" is because after we've been wronged we put our guard up, and I think it will be in the back of our mind until we truly trust that person again.

I have been able to forgive, while not forgetting. I don't know if everyone can, and in many situations it isn't the right thing to do. For me to forgive someone I need to believe that they understand that what they did was wrong.

I am the same way as you rcoreyus. I need to KNOW they understand what they did wrong and why it was wrong. After that, I can move on.

Sorry BD..didn't think or mean to imply that you were dealing with an infidelity- your post was clear enough...mine could have been "better worded". I say "forgiving' is done for "my sake" because it frees me from any expectation of the other person. I don't expect them to do anything and I am "free" of them in my thoughts. Much harder when you have an "ongoing" relationship with a person who has violated your trust.
The trust would have to be rebuilt; and unless a person is willing to give the wrongful doer a chance to do it- there is no hope for the relationship IMHO. MOST of my "forgiving" has been for people who are no longer part of my life but towards whom I have a lingering resentiment. Letting go freed ME...not them.