The Devastating Truth

**ccraig42** · 08-08-2011 07:45 AM

I posted about a month ago about how I was freaking out about money for the wedding, because we were waiting on a check.

Well the check finally came, and it was way less than expected. So now we really have no money to fund this wedding. We weren't approved for the loan, because his credit score dropped when he got a car loan in April. So now I have no idea what to do...

I have bought the flowers, paid for the venue in full, put down on the rings and the dress, the bridesmaids have bought their dresses, we have a down payment on the caterer.

I'm freaking out and getting depressed. Even if we got a loan to cover all this, it looks like a honeymoon is out of the question. I know it sounds stupid, but things like this really make me question if something like this is meant to be.

Everything was going so smoothly, and then we get hit with the biggest snag possible. On top of that, I've always been wondering if this is the right thing for us to do. Everyone tells me it is just cold feet and happens to a lot of people as their wedding date gets closer. I need some advice or words of comfort...something.

**KMonte85** · 08-08-2011 08:03 AM

craig, do you really think you're not meant to marry the man you love because you two can no longer afford the wedding you wanted? I really hope that is just the frustration talking and not really how you feel. If there are other factors making you question if a marriage is the right thing for you two, there may be something there you need to examine together. But don't feel like it isn't meant to be because you can't have the wedding of your dreams.

If you do truly love him and want to get married, you can. This is totally do-able and you can have a lovely celebration of your union with all the people in this world who matter to you. You're far enough in advance, that you may be able to get your deposits back on the caterer and venue, probably the flowers too. Time to become that "wedding planner" that you're said you wanted to be. What would a professional do for a client who couldn't afford all the bells and whistles? Look into the things that really matter to you and your hubby... you'll soon see that there isn't a lot of "stuff" that means as much as you two on your special day, kissing and saying I DO. Love is free. And beautiful weddings can be done on a dime.

However you really need to examine this whole "cold feet" thing. I'm very concerned that a minor snafu like this would ruin your feelings towards marrying your fiance, or if there is more to it... either way you should dig deep and really figure out where these feelings are coming from and why. You don't want to marry a person you know isn't right for you so you can have that wedding you always wanted. A happy wedding day does not necessarily make for a happy married life.

**ccraig42** · 08-08-2011 08:14 AM

We are less than 3 months away from our wedding. Guess what all our contracts say? 90 days notice or no money back. So we have a caterer we can no longer afford. We've paid the venue in full. I have bought my dress...it is frustrating. As for everything else, I'm sure it can all be returned. I have debated cutting the list way down. I'm actually doing a lot of things myself. Like the deocrations, favors, and invitations. But there are still things I have to buy to make that happen. It just costs less than professionals doing it. I will make it work somehow lol..

I do love him and know our life together would be happy. I just believe that there is a reason behind everything that happens. I'm trying to discover the reason behind this one.

**KMonte85** · 08-08-2011 08:30 AM

Oh that is too bad. You could at least TRY. Many places can be accomodating if you explain. It doesn't hurt to ask right?If you can't get refunds, then you'll just have to work with what you can... returning the things you can, doing fewer decorations, etc.

Perhaps the reasons behind why this isn't working out isn't tied to your relationship. You don't have money for the wedding you wanted, not the marriage. Think about where your focus is in relation to the problem you're encountering.

**Beautiful Disaster** · 08-08-2011 10:30 AM

I'm in agreement with KM, what do you have to lose by trying? Call them, the worst they can do is say no.

I just believe that there is a reason behind everything that happens. I'm trying to discover the reason behind this one.

Perhaps the reason behind this is to show you that the focus shouldn't be on the wedding, but the love and the marriage? I know this is a touchy topic for many brides in todays society and many are super defensive about it, but it does not set a good precedent for your marriage and financial stability to depend on a loan (meaning you don't have the money) to fund your dream wedding. It is not a good thing to be several years into your marriage, still paying off your wedding and all you have to show for the extravagance is some pictures.......that you'll most likely spend hundreds (if not more) on.

It just doesn't make sense. Have we lost sight of what marriage and a wedding are truly about? Perhaps this is a sign to you and maybe it's not a sign that you shouldn't get married, but a sign that your focus has been entirely in the wrong place...............

**rosekitten** · 08-08-2011 10:53 AM

Originally Posted by Beautiful Disaster

I'm in agreement with KM, what do you have to lose by trying? Call them, the worst they can do is say no.

Perhaps the reason behind this is to show you that the focus shouldn't be on the wedding, but the love and the marriage? I know this is a touchy topic for many brides in todays society and many are super defensive about it, but it does not set a good precedent for your marriage and financial stability to depend on a loan (meaning you don't have the money) to fund your dream wedding. It is not a good thing to be several years into your marriage, still paying off your wedding and all you have to show for the extravagance is some pictures.......that you'll most likely spend hundreds (if not more) on.

It just doesn't make sense. Have we lost sight of what marriage and a wedding are truly about? Perhaps this is a sign to you and maybe it's not a sign that you shouldn't get married, but a sign that your focus has been entirely in the wrong place...............

I agree with this post 100%. Sure, fancy weddings are nice (for those who care about the, at least... I'm an odd duck), but a wedding is about *love* not about *stuff* when it comes right down to it. My wedding cost us the price of the license, and paying our friend to officiate. That's it. So, while I understand that you're frustrated, I wouldn't take this as a sign than anything more than "hey, maybe we're overdoing it and trying to accomplish something outside of our means." Beautiful is right, it's not a good precedent for your marriage to start with being in debt just so you could do something fancy.

**Carrie-Kiki** · 08-08-2011 11:18 AM

You love him, he loves you. THAT is what really counts. The wedding doesnt have to be perfect. I once heard someone say the worse the ceremony the better the marriage.
My wedding went off without a hitch. It was perfect, absolutely beautiful and now I'm getting a divorce.
Dont let the focus be the ceremony.
Let it be about how you both feel about each other.
You are having doubts. You need to examine yourself and see if you really want to marry him. Do you love him? Whats the worst that could happen and would you still want to be with him if it did? Would you trust his love if the situation were reversed?
Dig deep into your heart about the two of you and dont lie to yourself. I wish I hadnt.
Then remember, after the wedding, the courtship doesnt end.
Remember how you both fell in love every day and then give him a reason to fall in love with you all over again too.
Whenever anything happens remind him of this,"Happy Wife, Happy Life." I heard this from a man in my church married for a VERY long time and was still very obviously in love with his wife.
(personally I wish I had sought his advice before getting hitched or he had been at my wedding. I would have been a run away bride. Better yet I would have saved myself a few thousand dollars.)
Talk to someone older who you trust and if after all that its a go. Then GO and dont look back.
The marriage is whats important. Not the wedding ceremony.
Trim anything that you cannot afford and is not essential.

**ccraig42** · 08-08-2011 12:00 PM

Thanks girls. And BD you are right we get defensive lol...all of you are commenting about some big fancy wedding when it isn't fancy at all. Just a luau BBQ. My mom wants me to call her before I make any decisions so I will try. I'm not even wanting the huge wedding p. We are down to 98 people. I'm just freaked out about paying for what we have already paid for. I'm all for party city decorations lol. My dress and the rings are my biggest concern...

**KMonte85** · 08-08-2011 12:11 PM

If it is beyond your means it is too fancy, ccraig. I think that is the point everyone was trying to get across.

As dissapointing as it is, it is time to get into "fix it" mode and figure out how you're going to deal with the situation you've now found yourself in... Have you and your fiance sat down and brainstormed about how you're going to make the plans work for your financial situation as it is now?

I can see getting input from your mom, but if she isn't the one paying for anything, she really has no say in how you two should choose to cut corners so you're able to afford things. And she certainly shouldn't be telling you to hold off on anything until you've spoken with her first. Especially if you're able to call those places and explain your situation so that you can perhaps either get a refund or work with them given your smaller budget.

**ccraig42** · 08-08-2011 12:29 PM

He called the VA today while he was at work, and that was our last option. When he gets home, we will discuss everything. Meanwhile, I'm going to start making phone calls. My dress hasn't gotten in yet, so maybe I can stop it before it comes?? I dunno. I'll just do a tiny party at the church with only the closest people if it comes down to it. I have a white dress in my closet no one has seen yet.

Thanks a lot for putting things into perspective for me ladies. I've gone astray quite a few times from this planning process! I know it's all about our love and life together. Stupid things like this shouldn't stress me out when I know we still are in love with each other...