Second thoughts about going on retreat

**chaya** · 08-28-2011 07:03 PM

I am scheduled to go on a 7 day Buddhist Sesshin retreat next Sunday. My husband didn't want me to go but I convinced him I needed to go. He said he didn't want me to go because he would miss me and I believe him. But now I think there is another reason, he thinks that by renewing my Buddhist beliefs we would grow apart. He knows I feel guilt from a lot of things I do that a good Buddhist wouldn't do.

Last year Beautiful Disaster posted this for me: "One bit of advice I will give u, is make sure you have a life of your own even though you're living with him. Have your friends over sometimes. Plan things with the girls. If you make him your every ounce of life, you'll start over-analyzing and nit-picking his every action." She was right about everything except it is myself that I am over-analyzing.

Now I know I should have taken that advice. Today I have no life of my own, everything centers around my husband and his friends. Except for some interaction with my family, I have zero friends and with the exception of my sister have never had a friend over. I love my husband and would die for him if necessary but I need to have some life of my own; so I turned to my religion.

As a Buddhist, my life is influenced by a set of guidelines that recommend a behavior that leads to good karma. Not following these guidelines results in bad karma. I won't go into the results of accumulated bad karma but will say it can result being reborn in Naraka (). It was my hope that by attending Sesshin I could learn to live with my husband without accumulating bad karma. Now I am beginning to think this may be impossible and that Sesshin will cause a rift between my husband and myself.

I am wondering if I should cancel or at least postpone attending Sesshin. I should try and make some female friends and pursue a non-Buddhist life of my own. Perhaps I should join the Alpha Kappa Delta Phi sorority if I can get invited again. I have a week to think it over.

**BabyGirl** · 08-28-2011 08:43 PM

How were you suddenly scheduled to go on a trip , so soon after your return from your little sisters accident ?

You and Hubby barely got back and are possibly almost " Normal " especially after the summer Viscountess of your next Youngest Sister, that stayed in the Califo area , dating and under 18 with your " Hubby's Partner ? Hot Tubs, Wild Beaches. Older Men..

Goodness Chaya. You are Not a " China Doll " not to be corrected, trained or not allowed to " Be ".

Nursing Degree or Not / Cop Hubby or Not.

I Personally would go where I could, Where I could feel Peace.

**jns** · 08-28-2011 11:19 PM

I also believe you should go. It is more likely that you will find the answers you are searching for there than on your own or by talking with non-spiritual people.

**Mes T** · 08-28-2011 11:59 PM

chaya, you can go on the retreat AND make friends AND join a sorority, I don't see why it has to be one or the other. Go on the retreat, and when you come back, let what you've learned sink in and simultaneously re-apply to that sorority.

I can tell you from experience: once you start saying, "Oh I don't think I'll do that, oh I think I'll postpone this, oh I'm not sure of that..." You'll soon realize that life has just passed you by and you haven't been able to do ANY of those things, let alone one.

That's the reality.

**Little** · 08-29-2011 08:42 AM

It sounds like you're scared. It's okay to be. But searching within yourself to find out whether your situation is healthy and what you can do to make it be will never hurt you in the long-term.

What will hurt you is NOT doing that self-searching. For someone who takes herself so seriously, you surely mistrust your gut feelings a great deal!

As a final note, I don't know to what level you have examined your religion to see if it fits your actual world-view. For some young adults, this is a necessary step.

**chaya** · 09-02-2011 03:31 PM

Only two more days to I go to retreat and I'm really having second thoughts. I should be looking forward to it but I am really dreading it. I'm not sure if I'm ready for such a long and intense program. It will mean meditating 6 or more times a day with breaks only for lectures, work, food and 4-5 hours sleep a day. The program is meant to totally immerse the attendee into him/her self. Most that go through a seven day Sesshin are changed for life. I'm not sure I'm ready for that change and I'm coming to believe my husband will not like what I would become. I fear what it will do to our relationship. I am considering shortening my participation to 2 or 4 days or canceling it altogether.

I would also like for me with my husband to attend the one day Introduction to Zen Practice. He could learn more about me and how I approach life. This could bring us closer together whereas me going to a 7 day sesshin might drive us apart.

**Mes T** · 09-02-2011 03:51 PM

I think you're taking the retreat and its affects too seriously. Ultimately if there's something in you that you feel is going to drive you and your husband apart, I can guarantee that eventually that will come to light - retreat or no retreat.