Thread: Abortion

Hello forgetmenot,

Reading your posts made tears stream down my eyes. I am so glad that everything worked fantastically for you. You are a strong woman! One in a thousand! Let this be of help and good advice for other women out there who are going through similar experiences, to stop feeling scared and understand that there are a lot of people out there who are ready to give their support and help!

Hugs and kisses.

Imoen

Some time has passed now since my abortion. I have been burying myself in work and tasks since I came back. I feel better when I am keeping busy.
The social worker that had failed to call me on the Friday before I booked the termination called me when I was at work. That shook me. I was feeling so safe in my little business bubble; I was not expecting that my personal life, my personal trauma, could so abruptly waltz right in, bashing through my armored walls as if they were not even there in the first place.
I could hardly speak to her on the phone and just told her it was already done. She told me she would like to see me anyway. In the end I just agreed to it because I needed to get off the phone, I could not keep my composure anymore - it was as if she had stripped me of my clothes and I was standing there naked and unprotected in a spotlight. I felt sick and as if everybody around me knew, understood, could read from my face the entire story - and that they were judging me for it.
After work I thought about it long and hard and it just made me so angry. I ended up canceling on her. To be honest, I didn't want to chance it and confide in her in case she would let me down again. She told me to keep her number in case I changed my mind.

In one way it feels so surreal that this has happened. I have deleted the events out of my calendar and disposed of all the tickets and receipts. It feels very strange having done this and gotten rid of the evidence. I do have a folder though tucked away in a safe place. In it are all the medical documents, along with the picture from the ultra sound. I do not know if I will ever be able to look at it, but it is there. I just can not get rid of the picture, I may be hiding from others that this has happened, but I do not want to hide it from myself, no matter how painful.

Physically I have felt quite well since the treatment. I am still bleeding a bit and a bit of pain that is similar to period pain - but nothing too bad. My breasts did explode for a couple of days, which was quite painful, but I understand it is normal. I have also been lactating a little bit, but not too much and they are getting back to normal.

Emotionally I am not sure. I have kept busy during the days. It is when I am alone, and it is at night that it comes, the fear, the anxiety; all these destructive thoughts keeping me company through the dark, cold nights.
I caught myself laughing today. And then a thought came in to my head "Could I really be a murderer? Could a murderer really feel like this, laugh like this?"
I don't think so. I don't think that I am a murderer. I did a terribly difficult thing. I made the most difficult decision of my life. But it was the best decision, the only decision I could make. Not only the best decision for me, but the best decision for this little life. And I find myself thinking about this baby that I have put on hold, and I have promised it that next time I will do it right. Next time I will be ready. Next time I will be the best mother in the world. And the baby, it agrees, it accepts. Next time, mommy. Next time.

Thank you all very much for your support. I genuinely don't know what I would have done without you.

<3