Thread: Abortion

This is the most difficult decision I have ever had to encounter.
At no point in my life have I been put in front of something so complicated and so emotionally draining. There are no right answers here, no easy route. Nothing I do from here on will be right. Everything will be so very very wrong.

On October 12th I went to the doctor. I turned out to be one of those idiot women who haven't even figured out that she is pregnant. When she told me the pregnancy test was positive it was as if the world fell apart around me. I could not believe it. I could not believe that I was pregnant. Me - the least sexually active person this side of the equator.

She booked me an emergency ultrasound for the next day. I spent October 12th crying. I told my sister, a friend who lives abroad and my manager. Nobody else knows about this to date.

I went for an ultrasound October 13th, which is yesterday. My pregnancy was confirmed and thanks to this I managed to calculate the date of conception. I was lying there, for ages, staring at the screen. Staring at the screen where I could so clearly see the fetus. It's heartbeat, it's little profile. They kept calling it the baby, which led to me starting to think of it that way as well. My baby. They told me everything looked normal. I asked, because I have been partying a lot. Like rockstar a lot. But everything looked normal. "Your baby is nice and active" they said. I tried to keep a brave face on. But I broke in front of one of them.

She made sure I could see a social worker after the ultrasound. I went in there, with my envelope with the picture of my baby that is growing inside of me, in my shaking hands.

You see - I am completely on my own about this. And if you wonder why I was so surprised to be pregnant, the answer is simple: I don't remember having sex. However, tracking back with the date of conception I can now see that this was when I was on holidays, alone, and I did indeed have a blackout night.
I remember a guy trying alright, but me telling him no. But I don't remember more. He must have come with me to the hotel room after all, had sex with me and left before I woke up. It is the only explanation.
I don't know this guy, even know his name, or have any means to track him. I am completely on my own.

I am completely on my own in more ways. See, I live and work abroad. My family are all in my home country and I am here. Alone. I have worked hard for the last four years to be where I am in my company, and I love my job. I am a hard worker and very career oriented. In fact - I thought that stress was causing my symptoms and not pregnancy.

'So why haven't you shared this with anybody?' you wonder. To be honest with you - there is nobody here that I feel that I can trust. Nobody that I feel that they would support me selflessly and not spread vicious rumours.

I would end up being a poor mother. I have checked the costs of daycare, which to be honest shocked me. One is not supposed to be a single parent in this country, that is for sure. I checked costs for living as I would have to move to another house.
I have no parents or family that could watch my baby for me, not even for a moment whilst I run to the shop to buy some bread. I am completely, and utterly alone about this. Alone and financially strained.

Somewhere it has to mean something. The fact that I have not, even for one moment, felt even a little bit of joy about this. Only sorrow, and despair. Sorrow in so many shades; a violent red sorrow that hurts every piece of me; a grey veil of sorrow that leaves me feeling hollow and empty. A black monster of scary sorrow that blames blames and judges and kicks me so I have to curl up into a ball. A sorrow that takes all my strength and makes it it's own. My heart has never been this heavy in my chest.

From a completely selfish point of view; I don't want to be that mom. I do not want the struggle. I do not want to have to fight to make ends meet, be tired and stressed constantly, not be able to offer my child anything because I am all worn down.
And the worst thing is; I can not see it being any other way. IF I was to go through with this pregnancy, I would not be able to see myself as anything else. I can not see myself being a happy mom.

Maybe, if things were slightly different. Maybe if I had family around, or a partner. Maybe if I was financially safe. But none of this is true. None of this is my reality.

This sounds like something that happens to an idiotic, uneducated teenage girl. This getting-knocked-up-and-not-realizing business.
I am not uneducated, and I am 27. I might be an idiot though, however judging by my career and the reputation that I have as very smart and intelligent, I wouldn't necessary jump to that conclusion either. So how did I not figure this out before now?

Well - some of us have very irregular periods. I am one of those women. Actually all women in my family are one of those women. We don't bleed once a month. Sometimes this would lead to us not having a period for six months and then bleeding for a fortnight. Sometimes we get normal periods, with too little time in between. My sister did for a while struggle with periods every other week. Meanwhile, I have been known to skip my period for months at a time - really it would be more normal for me to skip a few months than to have more than two normal "calendar periods" in a row.
Also - there is the fact of not actually remembering having sex. Now how stupid is that. Very ing stupid. I agree with you all the way and I have nothing to say to my defense.

The reason I went into the doctors was because I haven't had my period for almost six months. This is significantly longer than I have been pregnant, by the way. I also had bleeding from my anus, was very tired and drained for energy. I thought all this was due to stress, I have a sensitive stomach that has always acted up on me in the past, so did not see any reason why it wouldn't do so again. I have been under a serious amount of pressure at work for the last 10 months so I put it down to this.
I was obviously so very very wrong.

I have been thinking - maybe I knew, subconsciously? Maybe my brain blocked out the conception. Maybe nature took it's course because I am 27 and it didn't feel I was getting anywhere. Age wise - maybe it would make sense now?

But my age does not change my situation. It does not change anything about me or the situation I am in. All that is still the same. Even if these are indeed my child bearing years.

I am currently on my 3rd day of endless tears. I am crying so much, I did not know there could be so many tears. I have not cried like this when people have passed away even, it is like all the world's tears are currently streaming out of my eyes. Me. My eyes. Me with my logical thinking. Me, who never acts in emotion. Who never gives in to weakness. Who never let's herself be victimized. Me, who always finds a way, a better solution, something that can work for everyone.

In this case, nothing works for anyone.

In my usual logical manner I have made lists in my head with things I need to think about to take a stand on this. Sadly I have ended up in the situation where after gathering all of my information I don't think that I can keep this baby. I have checked for abortion clinics overseas as abortion is illegal in the country I am residing.

It's breaking my heart but I am going to have to terminate.